1. It is so easy to get out of bed in the morning, knowing there is minimal coffee prep involved. When I open my eyes, my prospects seem dim—bills to pay, work to be done, a bathroom to be cleaned—but then, I think about coffee, and how I don’t have to go to a coffee shop to get my fix, and suddenly, my day doesn’t seem so shabby. I throw off the covers and start brewing some hope.
2. Black coffee helps you think more rationally. (Is there science behind this? There should be science behind this.) Adults drink black coffee, right? Adults make good life choices. What’s a cute and quirky way to reply to this text from a love interest? How much money do I need to save if I want to spend a month in Berlin? Am I on the right career track? I may not know the answers, but coffee helps me contemplate my options rationally.
3. If you’re a late-bloomer, black coffee makes up for the maturity milestones you think you’re lacking.
4. It’s undiluted so it can transform a hungover-sleepy-lazy-grumpy person into a non-hungover-alert-active-happy person.
5. For some strange reason, it impresses people. It’s like you’re not even trying to be instantly intimidating and awesome, and yet here we are, friends. Here we freaking are.
6. Black coffee is always accessible. You don’t have to go out of your way to the one coffee shop with almond milk.
7. Wanna fancy it up with a drop of whiskey? Go right ahead.
8. Liking black coffee is a sign that you are a simple human being. You can appreciate life for its subtleties. Black coffee is a point of stability and simplicity amid a life of chaos and complexity. It’s the real deal. Did you know that coffee can be surprisingly sweet underneath its intensely bitter aroma? Did you even give it a chance?
9. As the cheapest option on any coffee menu, it will satisfy both you and your wallet.
10. Contrary to popular opinion (ahem, Cher Horowitz) coffee does not stunt your growth.
11. It’s the ultimate bonding mechanism. The summer after I graduated college, my dad and I would share a pot of Medaglia D’oro and talk about politics, movies, and what we were going to do that day. Not only would we bond, but we would savor that pot of coffee until it was all gone and we had about five cups each.
12. It is the perfect excuse to sit in a cafe for hours. I’ll keep an empty cup of coffee by my side, pretending to write a really deep essay when I’m actually just taking a “Which Love Actually Character Are You?” online quiz. It will look like I’m going to get a refill, but chances are I’m going to make my next cup at home.
13. As it is undiluted, it is guaranteed to keep you awake during those bleak college all-nighters.
14. IT TASTES SO AMAZING WITH DESSERTS, when the bitterness cuts the sugary-sweetness of whatever you’re eating.
15. Come on, how ridiculous do you sound when you say soyfrappulatmacchino?
16. There. Is. No. Sugar. Crash.
17. It is easily customizable for warm months. It looks great in an icy, open mason jar, especially on a hot day. Taken at just the right angle, it’s perfect for Instagram.
18. It is the unofficial beverage of writers everywhere. (Well, that, and, you know, the whiskey thing.)