November 28, 2016

Here’s What Happened When I Gave Up On Love (And Started Giving Into Me)

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People are lucky on certain aspects of their lives — family, friends, career…love. Some get lucky on all of those, some don’t.

As for me? I’d say it proudly that I’m not very lucky in the love department. Maybe I used to be but things change; you win some, you lose some. And it’s safe to say that I’ve been losing a lot since then. While most of my friends are blissfully married, engaged and committed, here I am, alone, writing this and I have no one.

Surprisingly, it felt alright.

Looking back, I used to be boy crazy. My head used to turn to every direction whenever there would be a cute guy within the 30-meter radius. I’ve had an awful lot of crushes though I never dated a lot. But all in all, I was a normal single lady — a lady with high standards, that is. My friends kept telling me I’ll end up alone because my standards are as high as The Great Wall of China and I’m a smartass. I guess they got that one down the drain. It became excruciatingly difficult to find someone I’d click with. So the chase began.

I chased love. No, I chased guys. I chased the feeling of being liked, the feeling of being wanted. I chased the idea of getting the perfect guy… the perfect relationship. I ran after all of them and failed. Consistently. But I never stopped. It went on for two years, even after I finished my degree and took my first job. Eventually, I got tired of it. I realized that maybe I wasn’t able to find it because I kept looking for it. What if you’re not supposed to look for it? What if it’s meant to find you? The idea haunted me until I decided to change my perspective. You’re not supposed to find happiness from someone else — you find it within you.

Instead of going out on dates that I know will end up nowhere and settle for the temporary, I invested on the constant. I spend time with my family; I maintained a small circle of friends because you really don’t need that many; it’s not high school anymore. You need the ride-or-die, through-thick-or-thin kind. I’m lucky to have found those people.

I’ve never been more content.

I found my purpose and realized, I was prioritizing the wrong things. I should focus on me. I should chase for the love I deserve. I should run towards the things that only myself could give: my dreams. So I worked and strived hard. I kissed my weekends and social life goodbye. I moved on from failure to failure and eventually, I got wiser. I learned to fail better. I took risks. I’ve made bad decisions. I still do. All of these have been worth it.

Now at 23, I’ve never been more blessed for being able to do something that I love. I’ve never been more thankful for all the working weekends and late nights at the office, the people who said no to me, the battles I lost and the opportunities I missed. You made me look for something my naive, 19-year old self wouldn’t even bat an eyelash on. Because now, at 23, 4 years after I stopped chasing love, I have never been this close to achieving my dreams. No, I am able to achieve one of my dreams. I am able to reach it because I have all the love and support from the people around me.

More importantly; I have the kind of love I needed: from me.

For every someone who’s looking for love right now, please love yourself first. Put yourself first. You don’t need somebody else’s love to complete you… to make you feel fulfilled. You have you, and that’s the most important thing you need to find happiness. Not a guy or anyone else. Just you.

And as for me? I’m currently on a chase for something higher. The rest of my dreams. TC mark

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