Have a weird, random dream job that would only exist in a Hollywood script. You’re a product tester of…products, or a “GLAMOROUS” dog walker, or a super chic editor of Chic Magazine located in Loveless Metropolitan City, U.S.A. Your job is your life. In the office, you’re an assertive smart woman but at home, when no one is looking, you open a bottle of wine and become The Sad Wine-Drinking Single Woman. It’s all so terrible. You really feel sympathy watching the fun, sassy career woman dissolve into mush when there’s no hard, throbbing penis greeting her at the door. “Wait, YOU don’t have it all? I’m so confused. The KT Turnstall song and the DVF dress you wore to work today indicated otherwise. Now, I’m interested…”

Have a quirky single sexually-active best friend who drinks a lot and tells you to go out and find a man, dammit! Sometimes she even talks about penises really loud when you’re at brunch and everyone stares. OMG, she’s so inappropriate and wild but, like, don’t you just love her? She’s the funny kooky friend everyone loves to be around! Whenever you get invited to dinner parties, the host asks you, “Can you bring your crazy friend? SHE’S SO FUNNY!” So you do. You bring her and she livens up the whole evening with her antics. These women are married, which means they’re boring and have no zest for life (Incidentally, the goal of this film is for you to join them and be happily married and boring too but whatevs!), so when this free-spirit energy comes barreling through a home where love and monogamy lives, it’s a special treat for everyone! “Look at her, girls! She’s single and saying funny things!”

Be smarter than the average woman. In case you didn’t already know, the average woman is a retarded psycho. They fall for womanizing jerks and get cruelly dumped but it’s okay because they’re nuts and sort of deserve it. Not you though! You’re smarter than that! When you meet your love interest — the womanizing player — you let him know that you’re not one of the slutty, stupid girls he’s used to sleeping with. You’re on to his game! You won’t be won over that easily. Wait, he has amazing eyes though. And you’re so tired of being alone. Maybe one date with a misogynistic jerk won’t hurt. Farewell bottle of wine…

This is when you stop being the strong, single independent woman and start to lose your mind. You put on a good front there for a second, showing this man that you were smarter than all the other girls, but now that you’re developing a crush, you’ve become One Of Them. Some may diagnose you with a case of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, but nope! You’re just a girl who’s falling in love! Do the following things to show that you’re happy: Dance embarrassingly along to hip-hop in your kitchen alone while in your underwear, gesticulate wildly, call your crazy friend for advice, widen your eyes repeatedly, talk very fast, become a spaz and fall (hilariously) down the stairs, and start to question every aspect of the relationship and/ or yourself. Take down your ratty ponytail (YOU WERE SO UGLY BEFORE WHEN YOU WERE SINGLE, OMG) and get glam.

Tame the misogynistic jerk into a nice guy with only slight misogynistic tendencies. After all, you can’t change a man completely. Now you just find his sexism to be super endearing. Have his male bro friends tease him for becoming whipped. When a man becomes tender and sweet, he is humiliated by everyone around him. It’s really weird and #dark. You celebrate men for mistreating women and condemn them when they change their ways. Um, k.

Have a moment when the man’s whole credibility goes into question. He’s lying to you about something. Maybe he’s actually your ex-boyfriend from high school who’s been made unrecognizable with plastic surgery? Or maybe he’s a Mormon? IDK. Regain your power for a moment and dump him.

Get back together four scenes later after a lot of begging and pleading. All of the misunderstandings are cleared up with some paper-thin excuse, or maybe you’ve just been tasered and your memory has been erased. Whatever the reason, you get back together and suddenly revert back to the powerful woman you were in the beginning but with a boyfriend. Because women can have it all! Because of feminism! Because of… wait, where’s your glass of wine? Can someone put on that song “Hot In Herre”?

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1. Pretty girls are really depressed. Like all the time. It’s a strange phenomenon and we must start giving it as much attention as humanly possible. PEOPLE ARE IGNORING THE SAD PRETTY GIRL EPIDEMIC AND IT MUST END NOW. Oh, how will we ever make them happier though? We don’t even know why they’re depressed in the first place. We just understand that they like to lie in bathtubs (even when it’s their wedding day), wear flowing dresses, and sleep on the grass, in the shower, or on a football field. It’s truly terrifying.
2. When people joke about the Internet or make any reference to the present day, it’s very funny.
3. If you want to let someone know that you like them, you should act mildly autistic. Instead of actually talking to your crush, pass notes back and forth. Be like, “I’m sorry. I have laryngitis!” and do a scribbly unhappy face to get sympathy. The other person will think this is endearing and decide to marry you in a cornfield while holding a ukelele.
4. You’re not allowed to act mad or show any display of emotion that can’t be conveyed in a quirky half-smile.
5. Are you feeling too lazy to say anything meaningful? No worries! Just play “Sea Of Love” by Cat Power and walk around a park with a sour expression on your face. It’s basically the same thing. No, wait, it’s better.
6. Gay people are NOT a big deal. And you know what?! I’m so tired of the stereotypes. Sometimes gay guys can fall in love and behave like normal people. I know it’s a controversial idea but I don’t care because that’s what indie filmmaking is all about! To challenge these preconceived notions of sexuality. Judo chop!
7. Everyone in the whole world is white, cultured and lives in New York or LA. Unless they’re poor. In which case, they might not be white and they probably live in a war torn country somewhere. I mean, IDK. Wait, what was the question again?
8. Terrible things happen to good people and it’s terrible. Here’s a five minute shot of them swimming in a lake.
9. Did you know that people live in small towns and have their own life struggles? No? Well, that’s embarrassing for you. Go watch an indie movie or something. Get cultured.
10. Sometimes people fall out of love for no reason. Like there’s no infidelity or some evil person trying to break up the relationship. Life happens, you get older, and you just drift apart. No, I know. It’s crazy.

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There is a movie called AirBud, about a dog who can play basketball. Of course, I don’t need to tell you that, you’re probably already a fan. I mean, who could resist a tale about a young boy who adopts a homeless puppy, learns the dog is a wiz at human athletics, then teams up with the pup to win his high school’s basketball championship? It’s charming, it’s dramatic, it’s a story we can all relate to. In fact, there’s an entire series of Air Bud films: Air Bud 2, Golden Receiver (football pun); Air Bud 3, World Pup (soccer pun); and Air Bud 4: Air Bud Spikes Back (simultaneous volleyball and Star Wars pun). Sports fans still marvel at Bo Jackson, an athlete so gifted he could play professional baseball and football simultaneously – well, Bud can do all that AND lick his own balls. So, how about we start giving Bud the attention he is due, eh? Why am I telling you this? Because War Horse, the heart-tingling Hollywood epic that’s considered a favorite for a Best Picture nomination is Air Bud as interpreted by Steven Spielberg. And it’s about time everyone knows it.

The essential appeal to the Air Bud franchise is that there is a dog that can do things humans can do. War Horse is the same, exactly the same, in fact, except War Horse isn’t a dog, and Steven Spielberg can cast better supporting actors. War Horse is a tale about a young boy whose father buys a homeless horse (covering his tracks, Spielberg has changed Bud’s name to Joey), learns the horse is a wiz at gardening and human comprehension, then teams up with Joey to save his family’s farm. Sound familiar? Were the film in the capable hands of Air Bud director Charles Martin Smith, it would’ve ended there. But Spielberg being who he is, he had to push things. Not only does Joey save the farm, but he goes on to give a dying girl a reason to live, fight gallantly for both France AND Germany in the first World War, remind both sides of their humanity which no doubt results in the ultimate cease fire, have a (possibly gay) love affair with another horse, and ultimately return to his boy owner, now a man, and help him convince his taciturn father that it is OK to love. Can Joey shoot a free throw with his snout? We may never know. But that other stuff is pretty damn impressive.

Every scene in War Horse is built the same: create a scenario where an almost God-like person saves the day… then replace that person with a horse. It’s manipulative beyond belief, and at a certain point you wonder what might be left for this great horse to accomplish. Can he cure cancer? Perform a c-section of human twins? Present himself as a viable Republican candidate for the Presidency? These are the questions you expect from a movie about a dog playing sports (“The audience is gonna lose it when when Bud saves the winning goal with his tail!”) — but not from the guy who made Schindler’s List.

The most memorable example begins with Joey hauling missiles for the German army with his (possibly gay) horse mate, Topthorn. The two met when they were both serving in the French army, and remained close after being captured by the Germans. Sadly, Topthorn has contracted an unknown horse disease, and is having trouble pulling the missiles that the brutish Germans so insist upon moving about. When a particularly barbaric German tells Topthorn to get to the front of the cavalcade, Joey immediately stands up for (possibly gay) companion. He neighs, pounds the dirt, and does that thing where horses stand up on their hind legs and move their front hooves around in a circle. Joey convinces the Germans that he is stronger and more capable than Topthorn, and takes over the greuling lead role for his (possibly gay) partner. Topthorn returns to the back of the march where he can get some much needed rest. It’s heartwarming and of course, completely ridiculous. You could easily see this happening with a person. A brave, powerful person who’s heart was as strong as his back. Maybe Russell Crowe. Or Elizabeth Taylor. And that’s what makes the scene seem like such a good idea. We’d love to watch a human perform such a valiant act, imagine how great it would be with a horse! The exact same principle that was no doubt going through the Air Bud screenwriter’s mind as he scripted the final game-winning jumpshot as performed by a canine.

For this to work with a horse, however, Joey would have to speak human, speak German human, love another horse, be braver than pretty much every person alive, and be able to do that thing where horses stand up on their hind legs and move their front hooves around in a circle. It’s fun and all, but it’s also deeply formulaic. And manipulative. And cynical about the state of modern audiences. In short, it sucks. And it’s the sort of thing we accept from maudlin movies we let our kids watch while we’re making dinner, but not really the thing of celebrated Oscar contenders. We can still tell the difference, but I’m starting to get the feeling that maybe Steven Spielberg can’t.

It is only fair to point that War Horse was not Steve’s creation alone. It’s based on a children’s book (surprise, surprise), and its subsequent adaptation as a Broadway and London theater sensation. So there’s more than one person to blame. But just because they were doing it, doesn’t mean you had to too, Steven. In the end, I’m not sure what’s more disappointing, that a great director is adopting the approach of a preposterous series of children’s movies, or that he’s going to get an Oscar nomination for it. Am I going overboard? I thought maybe I was. That is until I read this Twitter review from one of today’s great critical minds…

Now I know it was crap for sure.

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The Dark Knight Rises

You know that friend of yours who wants to tell you about a new movie, and you ask them not to, but they insist what they’re describing isn’t important to the plot, even though it’s a shot by shot description of the ending? Do you have a friend like that?

I have a friend like that, and when he’s not around, I have the internet. Boy does the internet love ruining movies.

Let me put this very simply: I really enjoyed The Dark Knight. It was by far one of the best films I’ve seen in years, and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone on that, so naturally, I’m excited to see The Dark Knight Rises. But lately I can’t visit a blog, go to a news site, or even glance at my Facebook feed for two seconds without somebody posting a picture from the movie or describing scenes in intricate detail.

The coverage has been ridiculous. Day after day there are stories about costumes, set pieces, vehicles, casting choices, and locations, and the film nerds eat it up, never satiated with how much they know about the movie. It’s become so ubiquitous that I have to avert my eyes every time they show another picture. No, I don’t want to know what Bane’s makeup looks like, I didn’t even want to know that Bane was in the film. This is a serious issue people!

Now perhaps you think I’m being too much of a purist or a neurotic, but consider this: there is so much information online that I can imagine viewers bringing a clipboard to the movie to make sure everything they read about is there. “There’s the costume – check. There’s that scene from the trailer – check. There’s Anne Hathaway in leather – check.” (I’ll be honest, seeing the last example didn’t bother me that much.)

Audiences are deconstructing the film before even seeing it. I can appreciate piquing your interest with tidbits of information, but no film has ever been enhanced by knowing about it beforehand. The idea is to watch the movie in its linear assembled form. That’s what story telling is, so if you want to get the most out of your Dark Knight Rises experience, it’s best to simply let Christopher Nolan tell you the story. Trust me, he knows what he’s doing.

Now I have a very cynical theory as to why people are reaching for so many details. You see, The Dark Knight was an incredible film. It was so good in fact, that audiences (myself included) have a hard time seeing how Nolan can improve upon it, but that’s just it. All those people overindulging in revealing tidbits are subconsciously destroying their own movie-watching experience. They don’t want it to be as good, so they won’t let it be as good. How can you enjoy a film when you know so much about it? Every new detail acquired destroys a little more of the surprise, which is partially where a film’s power comes from, and by knowing its secrets, its twists and turns and visions, we feel like we have taken away some of that power.

Sure, that last paragraph was a little dramatic, but do you do this with other arts? Are you desperate to know what font the new Jonathan Franzen novel is in? Do you want to hear random base chords from the upcoming Arcade Fire album?  Is it essential to read exactly how many bubbles there are in Dale Chihuly’s latest glass installation? (A weird example.) No, you don’t need or want to know any of these things, so stop doing it with The Dark Knight Rises.

I realize people will argue that the production is releasing these details to generate buzz, and that sopping them up is only natural, and in a way, that’s completely right. But does it really take the power of an overactive marketing department to make you want to see The Dark Knight Rises? Isn’t it enough to know that the movie merely exists, and will be out soon? That’s all I need.

There are blogs I’ve temporarily stopped reading because they are showing too many pictures. There are Facebook friends whose status updates no longer appear in my news feed because of their incessant reporting. And in rare moments of frustration, I’ve even thought of keeping a roofie next to my computer, so if I accidentally see something from the film, I won’t remember anything. (That’s what they do for prostate exams!)

So please internet, stop reporting so much on The Dark Knight Rises. You can see it when it comes out. Go report on something else, like the latest Katherine Heigl film. I hear she plays a bounty hunter!

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1. Prince Charming, Cinderella

Arguably the original Prince, the one whose romantic decision-making skills rest largely on whether or not your foot is cute, Charming presents the kind of guy you should only be with if you are looking to move up socially. Most similar to a real Prince, in that he’s suffering from intense family pressure to marry, and he’s definitely not interested in being seen with your ugly sisters, it seems logical that a girl looking to get a nice-sized ring put on it would choose Charming. But beware, as a guy so easily swayed by his foot fetish is likely not going to hold out well in the long-term, what with calluses and everything.

Husband Material Rating: 6/10

2. Beast, Beauty and the Beast

I know that some of you take your issues with the Beast and his willingness to submit the village bettie to Stockholm Syndrome so easily, but give the guy a break. You’ve been locked in a gothic castle for 20-some years with a bunch of singing furniture, you tell me you won’t take the first thing that walks by your front yard and make it come play some card games with you, even against their will. Regardless of problematic plot points, though, all is inherently forgiven the second he gives that girl a library. Come on, a library. And then as if that weren’t enough, he almost dies for her, and turns into this super-hot guy with that whole sexy Renaissance long-hair look. Keeper if I’ve ever saw one.

Husband Material Rating 10/10

3. Aladdin, Aladdin

As we all know, the best bread is by far some market bread, freshly stolen by the hot, shirtless town thief and his sassy monkey. Though it’s never fully explained why he was so politically opposed to a shirt, but a firm advocate of the tiny purple vest, we’re not here to judge the boy’s fashion sense. I know he essentially used limitless world power to woo a less personable Kim Kardashian, but I remain a firm believer that if he’d gotten her sooner, he would have done something slightly more productive with his wishes. Also, unlimited carpet rides, if you know what I mean, ladiesssss.

Husband Material Rating 7/10

4. Robin Hood, Robin Hood

While it’s clear that, if he were around today, Robin Hood would be the most insufferable of all the Occupy Wall Street protesters, seeing him in his adorable forest context makes you forget his half-baked political ideologies. The guy knew his way around a bow and arrow, he wasn’t afraid to stick it to that pretentious fop of a king, and he carried around satchels of gold coins — by far the most badass way to transport your money. Plus, let’s be honest, the guy was a total fox. (AMIRITE?! AMIRITE?!)

Husband Material Rating: 5/10

5. John Smith, Pocahontas

Imagine that one really super bigoted, ignorant, conservative white-guy in your sociology class who’s just such an enormous ass about everything and you’re forced to explain the most basic concepts to him. Like, he’s the one insisting being gay is a choice and the Native Americans were best friends with the pilgrims. Now, after you explain everything to him, he’s surprisingly receptive and learns to accept that the world around him isn’t just one giant Denny’s. But this is, of course, after a semester of painful coaxing and cajoling. But the thing is, he’s incredibly hot. Is this worth it to you? Probably not.

Husband Material Rating: 3/10

6. Li Shang, Mulan

Professional panty dropper from ancient China, Shang, is the kind of man that will whip a troop of nerds into shape and then turn around and semi-fall in love with what he clearly thinks is a guy. He’s a Renaissance man in every sense of the world, and isn’t going to let a silly thing like gender presentation get in the way of wanting to nail the most admirable of his soldiers. Not to mention, when we don’t have to look at Donny Osmond, his singing voice is like warm butter melting over your ears. Mysterious as the dark side of the mooooon, indeed.

Husband Material Rating: 9/10

7. Prince Eric, The Little Mermaid

Trying my best not to be influenced by his adorable Old English Sheepdog, it must be said that Eric is fairly lame as far as Princes go. Sure, he’s rich and has a sweet castle on the beach and what is hands-down the nicest dining room in Disney history, but what Prince doesn’t have tons of material stuff? What makes Eric such a disappointment is how inactive he is throughout the whole thing. Even a troupe of singing waterfowl wasn’t enough to get him to make out in the boat, he thinks that the evil singing brunette is his girl when the one who saved him was CLEARLY a ginger, and he remains largely indecisive about everything through the story. And let’s be honest, would you really trust a guy who’s ready to marry a girl who’s literally never spoken to him after at least 10 dates? No, you wouldn’t.

Husband Material Rating: 2/10

8. Prince Naveen, The Princess and the Frog

Alright, so you won’t be getting the fortune that normally comes with marrying a prince, but you will be getting a guy that is both super beautiful and willing to give up that beauty to live with you as a frog, if the occasion calls for it. A frog, in a part of America that regularly eats frogs. He’s that into it. And while he is a little high-maintenance, if you’re willing to put in a little work, that penny will shine up bright and new — just in time for you two to go in together on a charming diner and become that cute old couple that runs a restaurant. Who doesn’t want that?

Husband Material Rating: 8/10

9. Hercules, Hercules

Anyone who would choose Meg is good enough for me, hands down, but if you needed another reason — talk about marrying into a good family. Who doesn’t want Rip Torn as your all-powerful father, and a flying horse for transportation? Come on. Not to mention, this pretty packaged packed a pair of pretty pecs. You’ve really won at life if your husband has his face plastered all over Athens and is followed by a Greek chorus that zestily outline his exploits. Who doesn’t want that little short one to emphasize all the funny things you do? No one.

Husband Material Rating: 9/10

10. Tarzan, Tarzan

Let’s be real for a second, Tarzan probably doesn’t smell super good. That whole “rugged wild man” charm only goes so far — at least Bear Grylls takes a shower once in a while. Be that as it may, there are certainly fewer things more appealing than a man who can surf his way around a jungle canopy while wrestling panthers and looking at you with big brown eyes behind some solid white boy dreadlocks. He’s the ultimate gross hippy that’s so hot it kind of works for him, and I’m sure we could all find the patience to teach him his table manners if he promised to continue wearing a loincloth. These are the kinds of compromises one must make in any good Disney marriage.

Husband Material Rating: 7/10

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Less Than Zero (1987)

A novel that revels in and romanticizes the destructive nature of the rich, uninhibited youth of America.

Hollywood’s problems

(1) Teenagers on drugs, especially cocaine, ramble and are emotionally/ physically numb to the vast majority of human experiences despite their enthusiasm about discussing them, and when they witness something horrific, they either express underwhelming levels of disgust or try to photograph it, which, as a motif, would desperately frighten most viewers.

(2) Movies are a medium of passion. If there is no passion, there is no movie. This is what Hollywood thinks about a “true-to-the-zeitgeist intellectual tome documenting the depths of teenage confusion”: if there is no drama, we cannot sell it.

Hollywood’s solutions

(1) Hire actors who convey “numbness” and “drug addiction” convincingly, give their characters just enough emotion to appear to feel shame regarding their lecherousness, and allow this shame alone to drive the plot.

(2) Completely wipe away any semblance of realism by working the quantitatively daunting character count down to five and do not, do not, involve homoeroticism, except in the context of the warm-hearted anti-hero giving BJs for crack, because Gays are frightening.

What we got

_____

American Psycho (2000)

A novel about a demented, homicidal one-percenter who brutally kills people or just elaborately daydreams about brutally killing people. How might Hollywood adapt this meditation on Shakespearean evil for the screen?

Hollywood’s problems

(1) Hollywood is primarily made up of demented, homicidal one-percenters who don’t want their clandestine fantasies revealed to the public.

(2) If this movie is perceived to be a commentary on white-collar psychology (and you for one are not sure whether or not the book is), then this movie could have lasting negative repercussions with the public perception of the concept of “businessmen” and possibly scar the genres of both magical realism and horror in a way that will drive the public to solely desire escapist science fiction for the duration of cinema’s existence.

Hollywood’s solutions

(1) Form a highly unstable human being out of plastic and out-of-control enthusiasm and program him to be the main character, so that empathy is impossible and the audience can easily compartmentalize what they are watching and what their actual thoughts on serial homicide are.

(2) Play the “it’s all just a dream” card.

What we got

_____

The Rules of Attraction (2002)

A book that ignores contemporary ideas of narrative structure. It’s about three college kids: an amoral, suicidal everyman; a guilt-ridden, potentially suicidal, severely lovesick everygirl; a Gay. They attend an Ivy League school, and haphazardly experience promiscuous, mind-altering, and yet somehow, to them, mind-numbingly boring events in a hyper-reality where college is literally just about testing the limits of how messed up you can get.

Hollywood’s problems

(1) A Gay is a primary character. In the early ’00s, is it “hip” to be gay yet?

(2) The Western World desperately needs their teenage population to believe college is about discovery and a sense of securing one’s eternal destiny, not sampling every possible human experience to the point of entering a vortex of eternal horror, which in many ways is the primary substance college provides.

(3) The broken nature of the plot structure would have to be something like a sequel to Memento, or maybe a two-hour, three-wheeled, alternating zoetrope, which is just not marketable in a Hollywood, multi-million dollar business venture sort of way.

Hollywood’s solutions

(1) Hire three beautiful people to act. Have their characters be “searching for something” and wondering when the drug and sex cyclone will end.

(2) Make The Gay kind of the bad guy and the suicidal everyman kind of like Clark Kent, and… yeah, just make Memento II. With sex scenes, we need those, just not gay ones. Okay, maybe one gay one.

(3) Concretize the story in a way that results in a sense of solidarity between these “lost young adults” and sets up for a drawn-out reconciliation in an idyllic setting. Maybe give them some capacity to “move past” this endless cycle of destruction, because we don’t want the suicidal everyman to be every man and woman who walks out of the theater.

What we got

_____

The Informers (2008)

A series of vignettes about severely depressed Angelinos on various tiers of the economic totem pole, and a vampire. Given Hollywood’s track record and BEE’s unquestionably cemented place in postmodern history, can they decipher this? Can Hollywood somehow milk a coherent narrative out of it?

Hollywood’s problems

(1) Vampires aren’t “in” yet, so there’s no way Hollywood’s going to risk trying to explain that through story development. He’s out.

(2) The book is set in the eighties and references all kinds of period concerns and pop culture nuances. What were the eighties?

(3) It’s finally “in” to make a movie sans drama, the independent market is flooded with them. But how do you get people in the theater if the plot is driven by establishing and then immediately disintegrating what would normally set up “plot,” followed by three-to-five minute long meditations on “white people problems” that then resolve in terminal bleakness?

Hollywood’s solutions

(1) Hollywood puts together an impregnable team of beautifully vapid A-list actors. Money in the bank.

(2) Ray Bans! Naked People! Synthesizers! Movie Stars! Drugs! Polyamory! (Subtly inferred) AIDS! Ladies and gentlemen, the ’80s, but like… in the ’00s, but it’s the ’80s! It’s so postmodern it’s crazy!

What we got

_____

Glamorama (????)

A throw-away novel about the fashion industry and espionage that’s more an experimental, masturbatory meditation on popular culture. Whatever.

Hollywood’s potential problems

(1) The idea of Glamorama as a movie is hilarious.

(2) The book is not hilarious.

Hollywood’s potential solutions

(1) There are no solutions.

(2) Ben Stiller needs ideas. Ben Stiller is hilarious. Zoolander.

What we got?

_____

Lunar Park (????)

There are no plans to make a movie about this book — BEE is living this book. This book is his life. Does he have a camera? Can we take part in the horror of BEE?

_____

Imperial Bedrooms (????)

A sequel to Less Than Zero.

Hollywood’s potential problems

(1) The actors are old. Specifically, Robert Downey Jr. has moved past his “drug-addled Loki” typecast phase. Would he even be willing to botch another poorly-interpreted iteration of Julian?

Hollywood’s potential solutions

(1) You don’t do it. You stop writing. Everything is right with the world.

(2) Impending doom.

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image – Name Your Link

As we all know by now, movie executives ran out of new ideas around about the time that The Godfather came out.  Ever since then, movie studios have been focused on grabbing onto everything that we loved as little kids — cartoons, comic books, superheroes, boardgames — just so that it can ruin these things by regurgitating them in CGI/Megan Fox form.

Because of this, it sometimes feels like Hollywood wants to hurt me; innocent little me. …Hey, Oliver, Hollywood says. Didn’t you sort of like “The Smurfs,” once upon a time? …Well, you’ll like them 100% less once they’re in CGI-form, with poop and fart jokes and Neil Patrick Harris! And when we’re done with that, we’ll go ahead and ruin something else!  Conan the Barbarian, The Transformers, The Karate Kid — anything you liked from the 80s; we can ruin it for you!

…And so, in the spirit of childhood sh-t being ruined, I present to you the trailer for the new film G.I. Joe: Retaliation, starring “The Rock” and ahhhhh who gives a sh-t. Roll the garbage!

Man, it’s more like G.I. Joe: Retardation — amirite, brahs? Boo-yah! …Brahs?  Wait, brahs? Where are you going? Come back.

Okay. Anyway, there are so many questions to ask about this trailer! Such as:

–Who’s the girl who is firing wildly into the air? ‘Cause that’s who I want on my team! The person who FIRES HER MACHINE GUN WILDLY INTO THE AIR.

–Is standing motionless inside a well while people shoot at you… is that really a good idea?

–Why fight on a cliff like that?

–“They’re all dead. …We’re all that’s left.” Oh, why didn’t you all just die? That’s a movie that I would watch. …Fifteen minutes of all the “G.I. Joes” being killed, and then ninety minutes of shots of a serene desert landscape, filled with lifeless bodies. Sort of like Koyaanisqatsi or something.

–“…The world’s not gonna save itself.” …Yeah, but sir, what if it does? According to chaos theory and what we know of thermodynamics, anything is possible. Sure, it’s less than an a 0.001% chance, but I say “F-ck it!” Let’s go for it and do nothing and see what happens!

–Does Cobra feel that replacing the American flag with the Cobra flag might be alienating at all? Like, to most of the population? Why not take charge as dictators, but not change the flag and pretend that everything is still the same? Y’know, the way that Dick Cheney did. …Zing.

–This isn’t really a question, but well, sort of it is: Hey! It’s Bruce Willis in full-on, smirky, “I don’t give a sh-t” mode! You keep cashing those paychecks, Bruce. Hey, Bruce, could you care any less?  That’s my question. …Could you show your disdain any more clearly?

–Can this movie hold a candle to the first G.I. Joe movie, which featured a secret headquarters with an ocean level in the middle of the building? …And wouldn’t that be leaky, having an ocean like that? How much did it cost to reinforce the building superstructure so that it could hold 250,000 tons of water? One billion dollars? Five billion dollars? …Who’s in charge here, soldier?!

 _____

It’s true; when I first saw the G.I. Joe: Retaliation trailer, I thought: “This is utterly retarded looking, and I don’t mean ‘retarded’ in the good handicapped way.” …But then, I realized that “nonsensical and idiotic” is what a movie based on G.I. Joe should be like.

As it turns out, there are some things that even movie studios can’t ruin. For example; G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero. …G.I. Joe was my second favorite thing as a kid, right behind Star Wars. I was the mechanically-inclined boy in the neighborhood who could fix all the action figures by replacing the rubber bands in their arms. I treasured my Joe “action figures” so much that I wouldn’t mix them with my other toys. G.I. Joe could never fight He-Man or Voltron or the Go-Bots. G.I. Joe could only fight against Cobra. As an adult, I even got a G.I. Joe tattoo on my right arm. Which was a bad idea, getting a tattoo like that, but whatever.

Clearly, I loved the Joes. And so, here’s my accumulation of my life’s knowledge about them. …Here’s what I know about G.I. Joe–

“G.I. Joe” is a team of good guys. Their drink grape soda and their headquarters are in New Jersey. They have code-names like “Roadblock” and “Shipwreck” which they assumedly chose themselves.  The sailor is gay. There are thirty good guys, and they fight all the evil in the entire world. They have one tank, one plane, and one helicopter. They have one aircraft carrier for their one plane. G.I. Joe is a team of people who can do a single thing each. One guy drives the tank, one guy flies the plane, one guy’s a ninja, and one chick throws spears. Members of G.I. Joe use machine guns that shoot laser beams. They never kill anyone. No one ever dies, they parachute out of planes or jump out of tanks before the tanks explode. G.I. Joe fights against a terrorist group named “Cobra.” Members of Cobra wear bright blue uniforms — “eye-searing blue” being the color on sale that day at the evil uniform store. Cobra is terrifying and merciless and the most feared organization in the world; it’s also totally incompetent and can never accomplish anything at all.

…And all these things made sense to me as an eight-year-old — and I hope that they made sense to you as well. But as I was writing them all down, it finally became clear to me that everything about G.I. Joe was always dumb. It always made no sense. …And that’s awesome. Not everything must make sense in this world, and it especially doesn’t have to when you’re eight years old.

Yes, it’s true; G.I. Joe was the stupidest thing that I loved as a kid, and as an adult, I was still foolish enough to have my love for G.I. Joe permanently tattooed onto my body.  And yes; it’s true: G.I. Joe: Retaliation looks awful-ish. …And this is as it should be.

And so, I salute you for once, Hollywood! …You have finally made the dopey G.I. Joe movie sequel that I need; nay, that I deserve. In the future, please to stick to ruining things like this; things that are fundamentally un-ruinable. And now, let’s go and watch people sword-fighting on the side of a giant cliff! And what do you mean, How about just cutting the ropes instead of fighting with swords?  …I don’t know what you’re talking about, brah.

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Excuse me, honey. Come here for a second, if you have a spare moment. I know you’ve got a headache. I’m sorry I startled you. I’ll get you some Advil. You need to see this. You should probably be sitting down.

Certainly, I can read it to you. Sorry. I won’t talk so loud. I know it was a long night. It was a long night for both of us. I haven’t had so much champagne since our honeymoon. I’m just a little anxious about this news.

Remember last night? How the hospital threw us that banquet because we donated the money for the new particle beam therapy wing? That little boy with leukemia made the most touching speech I’ve ever heard. Brought tears to my eyes. You began sobbing, darling. I gave you my handkerchief.

Then there were toasts. The trustees gave speeches effusively praising our generosity. We drank glass after glass of champagne. Our helicopter pilot said he’d never seen either of us in such a state. We stumbled to the elevator from the helipad and paged our chef, demanding he make us omelets, posthaste. I really should send him a letter of apology and a new automobile for our rudeness.

What is the last thing that you remember about last night, my love? Yes, we ate our eggs with imported truffle oil and fresh mozzarella with stunning alacrity. Then, yes, we did stumble up the stairs, leaving our formal garments in a series of silken heaps, your dress and gloves turning our stairway into something of a lavender dreamscape. It is true we also lay in a warm bubble bath, drawn as usual by our housekeeper, for several minutes. But there is one minor detail that you are failing to recall.

My darling, last evening…we bought a zoo.

No, my dear. This I am not attempting to be humorous. If I were endeavoring toward laughter, I would have pointed you in the direction of the latest New Yorker cartoon or Garrison Keillor radio program. I am as serious as NPR. Last night while intoxicated, we browsed electronic-bay dot com and eventually decided to purchase the Branson, MO county zoo.

How much did we pay for it? That is the natural follow-up question. Thirty million dollars. No, it is not refundable. The fee has been transferred over PayPal. We shall never see that currency again. Yes, I am also distressed by the unfolding of these events. No, I do not purport to know the first thing about zoology. I am, as you know, a neurosurgeon, specializing in dopamine therapy for depressed movie stars. I do not begin to presume that my professional skill set will translate into zookeeping or animal husbandry.

Now, honey. I do not think that it is fair to say that I alone bear the responsibility for the purchase. It is true, yes, that the credit card listed on the receipt is in my name. Is it not also true that in your haste to dine on eggs and make way to our bath, you left your own pocketbook on the back seat of the helicopter? Perhaps, and I do not mean to say this as a statement of fact, I made the purchase at your behest. It is a possibility, no?

It seems that we are, at present, hopelessly embroiled in the vocation of menagerie ownership. Yes, I agree that we should indeed attempt to resell this zoo as soon as we can. I do believe, however, that it would be an atrocious breach of ethics to simply allow the animals to govern themselves in the interim. It would be carnage. As a medical professional, I could not bear the blood of innocent creatures on my conscience, nor, I imagine, could you as a medically-minded philanthropist.

Would you care to examine the electronically-delivered receipt? Oh, yes, I’m sorry. Your head. Excuse me. I’ll fetch you the ibuprofen. Then we shall commence plans for our temporary relocation to Branson.

Yes darling. I know. I want to vomit as well. I’ll ring the maid to bring clean sheets.

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1. The Descendants

Did you ever worry that you were dead inside? That a MacBook Pro lived where your heart should be? No worries! If you watch Alexander Payne’s new film, The Descendants, you’re bound to feel something. It’s a film that’s nothing but emotions! It’s about a man who has just found out his wife is cheating on him. He would confront her about it, but oops she’s in a coma! Instead, he just has to yell at walls and his children to get the aggression out. It’s not an enviable position to be in. Nope. I would not be jealous of George Clooney… for once.

Alexander Payne has a knack for making films that are so real and raw that they often feel like documentaries. The Descendants is no exception. There are no explosions, nudity or drugs. It’s relatively quiet, which makes the big “a-ha!” moments all the more powerful. And there’s no happy ending tacked on at the end either. The message is defiantly realistic: Families are screwed up and there’s a lot of resentment next to all the love. Ah, how refreshing!

2. Shame

In all honesty, I’m not sure if I even liked Shame but it stuck with me for days afterwards, which is a lot more than I can say for most films. Everyone’s talking about it because it has an NC-17 rating and, even though there’s a lot of sex and penis in this film, it’s never actually sexy. There is no joy in the sex that Michael Fassbender’s character has. On the contrary, it’s pure misery. It’s a very American thing to do — make a movie about sex and show no joy coming from the act. Sometimes I think our collective head would explode if we showed promiscuity without consequence. What a novel idea! In any event, seeing the agony attached to something that is supposed to bring you ecstasy is interesting. Plus, Michael Fassbender’s dick is huge. So bye.

3. Young Adult

Let me say something upfront. This movie isn’t perfect. In fact it’s quite flawed but somehow the film manages to make that work in its favor. Charlize Theron does an amazing job playing a female character who’s downright unlikeable. It’s a revolutionary concept actually — creating someone who has a vagina with few redeeming qualities — but screenwriter Diablo Cody goes for it in her third feature film, Young Adult. Imagine if the lead character, Mavis, was deplorable and didn’t look like a supermodel. Now that would be truly progressive! But we’re not there yet as a society so in the meantime, we must swallow the bitter pill that is Charlize Theron acting like a narcissist. Patton Oswalt does an amazing dramatic turn as a handicapped nerd and Patrick Wilson plays a DILF so, yeah, go see it. You will have an opinion about it no matter what. Guaranteed reaction!

4. We Need To Talk About Kevin

I haven’t seen this yet but everyone is losing their minds over it so I figured I should include it. The premise seems interesting. A couple raises a boy who turns out to be a murderer and they’re like, “What? Didn’t see that one coming.” This idea that you could give birth and raise someone who becomes a monster seems intriguing. What if you legitimately are afraid of your child? Are you allowed to hate who they are? Some interesting ideas going on in this little indie. Plus, Tilda Swinton is God.

5. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Based on the Jonathan Safran Foer novel of the same name, the title of this film irks me but I’m looking past it because I legit tear up every time I see the trailer. From the looks of it, it just seems to be about a young boy running around New York City while laughing, screaming, and crying, but whatever. I’m sold. Sold and already sobbing.

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I will not watch It’s a Wonderful Life, and I will not watch Miracle on 34^th Street, and I will not watch any animated special urging me to celebrate the holiday season in Technicolor (that means no Grinch, no red-nosed reindeer, no Charlie Brown, and no grandma roadkill).

I will not watch any version of A Christmas Carol (except one, which I’ll get to), and I will not watch anything that ends with a puppy decked out in a red bow. Or Home Alone, but I won’t watch Home Alone mostly because I don’t like Macaulay Culkin in anything but Party Monster, and then, just barely.

Artificially sweet holiday fare doesn’t deck my halls or mistle my toe, but before you add me to your naughty list, know that I do get into the holiday season via cinematic escape; I just do it through movies without a peace-on-earth shiny happy people message.

Like Gremlins. Gizmo is a Christmas gift for Bill, and at least one of the after-midnight monsters sport a Santa hat. A snowman is decapitated; a woman is given a ride in a stair lift; a movie house is blown up. Yippee ki yay, mofos.

Speaking of, I very much enjoy spending Christmas in New York with Detective John McClane and Hans Gruber in Nakatomi Plaza.

Bill Murray sleighs me (see what I did there?) every time in Scrooged. Then again, nothing gets “lost in translation” with this retelling of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Because of Scrooged, no other retelling will do.

My friends and I turn Jingle All the Way (that classic Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad film) into a drinking game. Try it.

Elf has to make the list too. You’ll laugh; you’ll cry (but only from laughing); and you’ll never look at raccoons the same again.

You know what else I won’t watch? Jim Carey’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Reese Witherspoon’s Four Christmases, or A Christmas Story. Nothing about those films appeal. Nothing about the actors in those films appeals to me. Except Witherspoon in Legally Blonde. And in Cruel Intentions. And in… OK. Maybe I’ll give Four Christmases another try.

But let’s not forget Nightmare Before Christmas, for which I lift my fatwa on animated holiday movies. But Nightmare is unlike other holiday movies. A plot is hatched to kidnap Sandy Claws. And Jack Skellington courts Sally. And there are pumpkins. Not to mention a killer soundtrack. Plus Nightmare makes me smile.

Life of Brian over Bad Santa any day. I think December would be better spent celebrating Brianmas than Christmas. That’s just me.

But my hands-down favorite Christmas movie? Batman Returns. Mostly because of one scene. Batman, as Bruce Wayne, dancing with Catwoman, as Selina Kyle, neither in masks, though they are at a masquerade. And Siouxsie Sioux is singing Face to Face in the background. And mistletoe becomes a key plot point. And something about that moment of recognition, of realizing what’s right in front of you, says everything I want Christmas to say, which is that a kiss under the mistletoe can be deadly, but a kiss that you mean can be even deadlier.

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