May 17, 2013

Things Girls Say To Each Other In the Bathroom

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What is the issue?
All my life I’ve felt that guys assume girls travel in packs to the bathroom because we’re snorting a Narrow Sea of cocaine, plotting to take over the world, or planning our wedding in the handicapped stall because this dude who resembles Ryan Gosling bought us a vodka tonic. No actual guy in the universe actually “looks” like Ryan Gosling and anyone who has ever said this to you is a fool and a liar and do they even have eyes?
But deep down girls travel to the pee room in packs because we don’t want to end up alone, we need sanctuary to drunkenly shout Mean Girls quotes at each other, and we like to compare and contrast bathrooms. It’s a good topic in case we run out of Mean Girls quotes. TC mark
I think he’s cute, but is he cute?
Should I text him? I shouldn’t text him. But I want to. I put him in my phone as Voldemort since he’s so mean to me. But I love him. No, I don’t love him. I’m gonna text him.
Do I look fat? I feel large and in charge.
Your Nana and I have that in common.
How do we get free drinks without any guys in this bar talking to us?
Can you see my food baby? I should just throw up.
Oh my God was I dancing with someone? Was he cute?
Let’s ask the DJ to play ‘I Just Had Sex.’
Is there a bump in my hair?
I wish Taco Bell delivered.
I can’t go to Taco Bell. I’m on an all-carb diet.
I need a good cry don’t judge me if I cry right now.
Are you ready to go get pizza?
Promise me you won’t let me comment on my own Instagrams.
Is he looking at me? I feel like he’s looking at me.
Should we make out?
Boo, you whore.
I just want to go home and eat a frozen pizza and watch The Hills.
SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE.
Does he look like he has a good penis?
I just want to be horizontal right now.
I want to lose three pounds.
I don’t say this stuff a lot, but I’m so glad I met you and I consider one of my best friends and whenever I get married will you be the maid of honor? I want firefighter strippers at my bachelorette party.
I want a hot dog.
Made out with a hot dog? Oh my God that was one time.
Does anyone have chapstick? I need chapstick.
I’m not even drunk. How am I not even drunk?
Is he flirting with me? He keeps caressing my weenis.
I can literally feel him staring at me from across the room. He’s looking at me right?
I don’t even know why he likes me. I’m not that pretty.
Make sure I don’t log onto Facebook chat when we get home.
Don’t let me tweet.
You look so pretty. Like, you always look pretty but tonight you look SO pretty.
We should make a pact to stop looking into mirrors.
Did you see those girls who cut in line? Let’s buy a beer to spill it on them.
Our life is The Hills.
I think we need to go because I’m trying to get into a fight.
You smell like a baby prostitute.
I want to punch the next person who looks at me. You need to stop me.
This guy asked me if I was DTF so I spit on his shoe.
We definitely need to talk in English accents for the rest of the night.
Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.

Carrie Wittmer

Carrie is a writer and shark sympathizer. You can read her important thoughts about things like cheese and Don Draper …

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