May 30, 2013

Possible Theories About Who Bob Benson Is

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Mad Men
Mad Men

For the past ten weeks, white people have been running the same question through their head. “Who is Bob Benson?” The new accounts man is charming but might be one of those charming psychopaths who does brutal murders on the side. Or, you know, maybe he genuinely wants his co-workers to have access to free hot coffee always. The Internet is blowing up with insane and reasonable theories about this beautiful teddy bear man, and I decided to join them. Here are some theories. You can take some of them seriously but then I’d look like an idiot.

Bob Benson is Joan Holloway’s soulmate. His stepson, Kevin, will get grey hair before he does.

Bob Benson is a wizard from the American witchcraft and wizardry academy in Salem, Mass. For his Muggle Studies class, he’s posing as a muggle at a muggle workplace. So far, he’s learning that muggles are really selfish, enjoy coffee and they have sex with each other even though they shouldn’t because they don’t have magic to channel all their impulses. At this point he’s conflicted, because he’s starting to feel these sexual urges after being without magic for so long.

Bob Benson will move to Los Angeles in the late 80s to pursue his lifelong dream of writing for television. After nearly twenty years of charming his way into gigs and a couple seasons wiriting for Full House, he’ll create a critically acclaimed television series inspired by his days as an account executive at an advertising agency on Madison Avenue in the 60s.

Bob Benson is a freelance writer going undercover for a piece for The Village Voice. Unfortunately he’s never worked for The Village Voice or any other publication, and they have no idea he’s doing this.

Bob Benson is a private investigator working for a literary agent trying to discover the true identity of Dave Algonquin. He still has no idea it’s Ken Cosgrove, in fact he’s about to tell his client that it’s definitely Michael Ginsberg or Meredith, the receptionist.

Bob Benson is Pete Campbell and Peggy Olson’s love child. He is already a grown man because he suffers from accelerated Benjamin Button Disease. He’s trying to get to know his parents before he dies of being a newborn baby in a few years. He couldn’t get an in at CGC, so he single-handedly manipulated Don Draper and Ted Chauogh into merging. I don’t know how he did it, but he did it. He must have some opposite aging super powers that Brad Pitt didn’t. That movie was only three hours long so they could only show so much.

Bob Benson is actually a Kennedy. He changed his name, dyed his hair and his eyebrows to get away from the political life and diminish the possibility of being murdered or killed in a tragic accident.

Bob Benson is working his way up in the company by giving out coffees so he can buy it out to establish the world’s first ad agency slash catering company.

Bob Benson is an FBI agent investigating Don Draper because the government is suspicious that his identity is false. Bob is an incredible investigator but he doesn’t play well with others. The FBI forgot this when they sent him off on this intense undercover mission, so Bob’s social overbearingness is causing the government a lot of dollars and cents. He’ll get close to discovering Don’s secret, but he’ll accidentally offer him a fifth coffee that afternoon.

Bob Benson is going to fall in love with Peggy by the end of season seven. So in the final episodes everyone—even Bert Cooper—will be in love with Peggy. We’re gonna be so annoyed and think to ourselves, “why does everyone love Peggy? She’s great but not everyone can love her.” Anyways it’s gonna be this whole thing but ultimately Bob Benson will be the one to fire Pete’s gun from season one at everyone and run off with Peggy unsatisfyingly into the sunset.

Bob Benson is just a normal guy with a human heart working at an ad agency full of terrible people. He didn’t choose his co-workers and he’s certainly not trying to murder any of them or ruin their lives with scheming. This is America, not Westeros.

Bob Benson is the Zodiac killer. TC mark

Carrie Wittmer

Carrie is a writer and shark sympathizer. You can read her important thoughts about things like cheese and Don Draper …

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