November 10, 2011

2012 Calendar Of Existential Crises

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What is the issue?

January

This is it — the year I get my sh-t together. Starting with eating right and exercising more. Although, it’s probably unhealthy to mentally associate self-improvement with the New Year, because if I quit, I won’t restart again until next year. So maybe I’ll just aim to start being healthier at some point this month. Ohmygod, is that my weight?! That cannot be my weight.

February

I am so glad I’m going to the gym more — I feel so much better about myself and life in general. The fact that Valentine’s Day is right around the corner doesn’t even bother me, because I’m getting my sh-t together. I wonder what ever happened to that guy I went on a date two Valentine’s Days ago, he was so terrible. He’s probably on Facebook, I should look him up. HE’S ENGAGED?! How is he engaged and I’m still single? What is wrong with me?

March

Joining Match.com was the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m finally changing things for the better, and those five awful first dates I’ve been on are great practice. March is the perfect time for re-birth. Speaking of birth, I can’t believe how many of my friends are pregnant! Luckily, I don’t have to attend a million baby showers since I live so far away. I do feel a little guilty, but plane tickets are like $400. Ugh, why do I live so far away? It’s not like I’m ever going to afford a house out here, since they’re all exorbitantly overpriced, and inversely proportional to the crime rate. I just want to go home.

April

Never again am I going home. Having my mom corner me with questions about my sexuality, and whether I’d thought about trying ‘Zumba’ didn’t help. At least my brother understands me. It’s his birthday this month, isn’t it? This year, I’m going to find him the perfect gift, instead of those iTunes gift cards I usually buy. Wait — his birthday was last month! Why do I keep doing this?! It’s like I’m too lazy to check a simple calendar, and then I look like the worst sister ever!

Addendum: Late April: I can’t believe I sent my brother’s birthday gift a month early! But at least that iTunes gift card made it before the big day!

May

I love the start of wedding season — so many people are getting married this year! Whoever invented the save-the-date magnet is genius, I feel like seeing all seven on my fridge at once really helps me stay organized. Shoot, I need to remember to return my “single, vegetarian” RSVP for the next one. I wish I could have found a date, but at least my friends are going stag too. Although, come to think of it, they both have boyfriends now. I hope they’re not bringing their boyfriends, because they’re basically the only people I’ll know there. THEY’RE BRINGING THEIR BOYFRIENDS? What am I supposed to do, drink alone during all the slow dances?

June

Those three weddings last month were so fun — and doing the “cha-cha slide” every Saturday with some of my closest acquaintances has been really energizing! Still, it’s getting a little tiring. I guess I have the rest of my life to relax, though, since every single one of my friends is now married except for me.

July

Alright, enough self-loathing and pity. It’s time for the Summer of Carrie!

August

Holy hell, is summer almost over? If I have to walk into work with pit stains one more time, I’m going to burn my entire business casual wardrobe in effigy. What am I doing in this rat race, anyway? I should go back to school for something I’m really interested in, instead of that crap I went for before. Or law school? Did I make a huge mistake by not applying for school this year?

September

Thank the gods I am not in school anymore. It’s so nice to come home from work and do whatever I want. Which usually means watching TV and falling asleep by 10 p.m., but that’s OK because I’m choosing that lifestyle. It is weird, though, not being in school. It almost feels like I’m stuck in an endless cycle of work without a distinct endpoint. Like, there won’t be a graduation from work in May, and something new after that. Which scares me. Has this cubicle always been this tiny and dingy? I have a Masters degree, dammit, what am I doing with my life?

October

Autumn is here — I love this time of year! It’s fun seeing all the adorable families with babies strolling through my neighborhood, admiring the leaves. I can’t wait to have kids of my own! Which is weird, because I’m nowhere near prepared for a child. Plus, I always told myself that I’d wait a few years into a relationship before having kids. Working backwards, though, that means I’ll have to meet someone, like, three years ago if I want to be pregnant by 30. Ohmygod, is my math right??

November

The holidays are so close, I can feel them! I guess it helps that the radio stations are in some sort of arms race for who can play Christmas music sooner. But, I love Christmas music. First, though, I need to get through Thanksgiving. I guess I’ll spend it without family again, since everyone’s so far away. Which is fine, because I am an independent woman with a strong sense of self. I don’t even eat meat, why should I care about Thanksgiving? I’m just really, really excited about Christmas.

December

If Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” comes on Pandora one more time, I’m throwing this computer out of our aggressively decorated office window. I cannot wait to get out of this town, and have 10 leisurely days at home. Which probably means spending New Year’s Eve at the Eagle’s Club with my parents again. But that’s OK, because next year is going to be different! Next year is definitely the year I get my sh-t together! TC mark

image – Julia Lamphear

Carrie Schuettpelz

Carrie’s originally from Iowa, and enjoys saying everything in ‘Midwestern voice.’ Her hobbies include reality …

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