5 Honest Out-Of-Office Auto Replies
Subject line: My Boyfriend Just Broke Up with Me and I Couldn’t Possibly Make it into Work
“If the sun ever shines on my life again, I will be back in the office shortly thereafter. But, until then, I will be alternating between sobbing, whimpering, and eating my feelings. If I’m able to pull myself together enough to leave the house, I might report to my tiny cubicle and subject myself to follow-up questions about ‘the news’ by my co-workers. Otherwise, I’ll be back in the office on January 21 of whatever year I can finally find a man that is not a sheer and utter asshole.”
Subject Line: I’m Actually in the Office but Don’t Really Want to Respond to You
“I have mentally checked out for the day. Please disregard the fact that you’ve seen me several times throughout the building, including in the coffee shop, snack bar, gym, and can actually see me in my cubicle from your cubicle across the hall right now. I am using the Internet for my own personal use, which has nothing to do with work whatsoever, and can therefore not be bothered to return your email. I will respond to your message tomorrow, maybe. If you require immediate assistance, you can contact my co-worker, Linda, who, despite her official 9-5 schedule, has left at 2:00pm every day since I’ve worked here.”
Subject Line: I’m Busy Recovering from an Ill-Advised Wednesday Night Out with Friends
“I’m currently hunched over the toilet, without access to my email. If I’m able to pull myself together by the end of the workday, I’ll be back in the office. Otherwise, I’ll respond to your message when the room stops spinning. In the future, I would appreciate it if you could remind me never to let Caitlin from marketing convince me to join her for a ‘chill, post-work happy hour.'”
Subject Line: I’m Taking a Sick Day Mostly Just Because I’m Sick of this Job
“Thank you for your message! I couldn’t really care less what you think or whether you have a question about something. I probably can’t answer it anyway. I’m currently busy browsing other job listings on the internet, but when I finish that, I’ll watch TV, then take a bath, then read all those magazines that are piling up on my coffee table, and then I will promptly respond to your inquiry.”
Subject Line: I’m Stuck in the Middle of Nowhere on Work Travel
“I am out of the office on official work travel. Which basically means that I’m in Tampa, or Cleveland, or somewhere else that won’t be cool enough to tell my friends about when I get back. But that’s OK, because I’m stuck in meetings all day anyway, without access to fresh air or sunlight. I won’t be able to respond to your message after those meetings, either, because I’ll be getting drunk with my co-workers, many of whom I have only just met today. Tomorrow I’ll be busy regretting that decision, while sitting in more meetings hung-over. I will respond to your message when I return, after which I will keep awkwardly running into those same co-workers in the hallway or cafeteria.”