Thought Catalog
June 19, 2017

You Don’t Miss Him, You Miss The Idea Of Him

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What is the issue?
Stacey Rozells

As tough as it already is to let go of being in a relationship and come to terms with your newly single status, it can be even more difficult to not miss your former partner, even when you know the two of you ended for the greater good.

Everyone gets over their past relationships at different times, some much sooner than others, and the options and ways in which your ex may choose to can seem inconsistent with person you thought you knew so well. You may have found that your former guy chose to immediately throw himself onto social media, boasting about all his new #gains, physically, mentally, or with some other #doyou mantra. (Side note: unfollow). Maybe you rarely hear from him, until the nights he’s out with his buddies and allows those rounds of Jame-O to dial you repeatedly on sporadic occasions. Or, it could have taken on an ideal ending: one where the two of you decided to move forward, as separately as possible, and still wished each other all the best.

It doesn’t matter how horrible, extraordinary, or undoubtedly failing (maybe even all of the above) your past relationship may have been with your ex. It also doesn’t really matter if you have been appreciative of or appalled by his post-break up ways after the two of you decided to call it quits.

There’s a piece of them, no matter how hard you try to ignore it, that still lingers on within. There’s a part of you that questions at some point, “What if?” The notorious thought that decided to creep up on you well after your melatonin should have kicked in. There’s a flood of these emotions for them, and you’re not start sure where to even place your finger on how, when, or why they’re there. There’s something about them that you start to miss. Yes, that’s right: you feel like you miss them.

You beat yourself up, but those happy memories, even if there are few to choose from, start clouding your ability to remember the not-so-happy ones. The hard times, the sad moments, and those nights where you felt so alone even when you had them right by your side are so far gone from your mind that you barely even remember why you considered ending it at all.

It’s a brutal battle between heart and mind; one where mind seems like it’s losing something it should have been prepared for.

Here’s the thing, though, you don’t actually miss your ex.

You don’t miss your ex in the way that they were always meant to be yours. You do not miss them because they were your ride or die. You aren’t tossing and turning, three melatonin deep or none at all, because of them. You aren’t feeling this missing element in your life because of who they were, are, or could be.

There’s special qualities that your ex very well could have, as there’s something inside of every single person that one can learn to find endearing. Still, you are not missing your ex or your prior relationship because they were your person.

You essentially miss the idea of having a person.

They should no longer be allowed the to hold a spot in your heart or even the credibility to question your new solo status. Contrary, they can and should give you more than one excuse to admit that you miss the idea of them. Their absence, as you begin to move forward, finally gives you the purpose, the fuel, which drives you to be ambitious enough to put yourself out there. It offers you enough strength and rationale to throw out the idea of “What if?” with them and dive knee-deep into something so real that your heart and mind decide to do sign a treaty and call an end to World War (Insert Ex’s Name Here).

That’s a promise you have to keep telling yourself over and over again, until it’s no longer a losing battle. It’s a promise to cling on tightly to, even in your weakest moments, as you begin to understand that’s there’s someone out there, in some time, that’s wanting you and won’t allow this relationship to mimic either of your priors. There’s someone out there that you won’t even have the opportunity to lose sleep over. Why? Because that someone isn’t just a person to you. That someone, finally and undeniably so, is your person. TC mark

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