September 21, 2016

Maybe This Is How It Feels To Finally Move On

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What is the issue?
bailey foster
bailey foster

I thought going back to our old place would stop the tears and memories once and for all.

Maybe eventually. In that moment, I felt free. But the tears came rushing back as soon I walked away from the familiar scent of the pub. I called my sister in panic and disbelief. It didn’t work.

But maybe it’s not an instant relief. Maybe this heartbreak just takes a very long time to heal. Maybe every time I don’t call, text, or email you, I move an inch forward. Piece by piece.

Maybe every time I reread the breakup, it confirms the finality. Some would say to delete that. But I think it reminds me, in moments of painful nostalgia, that there are no strings for my heart to hold onto.

My head has no idea why you can still hold influence, but my heart rushes back with just the slightest hint.

Thank you for being so blunt, so clear, so removed from emotions and care. One of us needs to be level-headed in the breakup and it looks like it’s you.

I couldn’t possibly explain why after all this time, my journal looks like Adele’s scrap pieces of paper. I don’t know how to stop thinking about you caring for you wondering if I ever cross your mind I know how to stop reaching out, telling all of this to an empty wall.

There’s moments I wish we could share one last time. Last kiss, last cuddle, last hug, last look in your eyes and wonder if they’d ever feel like home for me. Last call, last fight, last anxious rush of butterflies before a date. Last honest conversation about the future and weaknesses and faith, last witty banter keeping me up at night and distracting me when I should be reading.

Last time over analyzing if I’d said the right thing, last time picking out my outfit for date night, last time hearing you complain about work.

You had no interest in any of that with me. Your abrupt, cold goodbye will be an odd source of affirming comfort, confidence, and warmth some day.

In the mean time, I’ll do my best to remember that goodbye means goodbye. Not see you later, not keep in touch, not remain close friends, not “someday,” just goodbye.

I will defer to respect that until my heart is someday stronger. And since I have nothing to return to with you, I will move forward. I’ll move on with my life and task and purpose. I’ll grow because of the challenges I faced and loneliness that woke me up. I might thank you for your sympathy but you are not the driving force behind that milestones I am slowly approaching with fear. It won’t be something I attained with your encouragement, but with your distance and heartbreak. TC mark

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