Thought Catalog
March 16, 2017

This Is Why I Will Love You In Silence

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I won’t express how I feel to you in fear that our dynamic will change. Silly isn’t it? Everybody knows that there’s something between us because our chemistry is real.

What does it matter anyway because I choose to love you in silence.

I’ve gone back and forth on this.. On how I feel about you. It’s been 3 years and we’re still going strong as cross-country friends and secret crushes. I want to be able to tell you how I wish I could get rid of that wall of silence that’s standing in our way, but I can’t.

I won’t allow myself to.

I lost you once before and I don’t ever want to repeat that.

This isn’t about not being able to move on because there was never any forward-moving sequence in our story. It was just that.. It just is the way it is. Living in the moment, immersing in each other’s energy, and forgetting time and days existed. You put me at ease which is a rare quality that has kept me attached to you and I wish you that was something you knew.

We are more than the laughter shared while eating spicy burritos at night. We are more than a pair ears to another when sharing stories about our families. We are more than timid lovers who have always respected one another.

We can be so much more than that. You are already more than that to me.

I don’t only remember you as someone who checked up on me when I had drank too much. I remembered you as someone who had a caring heart.

I don’t only remember you as someone who kissed my forehead and told me to stay. I remembered you as someone who is torn between wanting to be with me and being realistic.

Through the years I remembered you for who you are and for your actions. Mostly, through these years I’ve come to hold you closer to my heart. You’re more than just a man whose name means the “sun” although I’ll admit that you know the secret to brighten my heart. You have that something special and it’s hard to deny the magic we make together.

As we get older, we learn that sometimes we can’t always have what we want when we want it. We also acknowledge that in life, respect spans more than treating others the way we want to be treated; a big portion of being respectful towards others is taking their feelings and well-being into consideration. That’s where we fall in the spectrum.

I want to continue seeing you smile and watching you tilt your head back as you laugh. I want to be able to walk the streets of Chinatown with you while listening to you talk about surprising your dad. I want to be able to be in your presence feeling peaceful and in complete happiness because that’s how you make me feel.

So I will sit here and love you in silence because I don’t want to scare you away; I only want to be with you. TC mark

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