Thought Catalog
June 7, 2016

To The Girl Who’s Become The Sidechick — You Deserve Better

Report This Article
What is the issue?
Sergey Zolkin
Sergey Zolkin

If you’re in a situation between dating a man who has a girlfriend/wife but treats you so well unlike those exes who broke you and choosing to do what is right by pushing him away, what would you choose? I bet you’d choose the former. Why? Because that’s what you think will make you happy – despite its image to the society.

Well, people will always judge you for doing what you think will make you happy, right? They won’t seem to understand why your heart chooses to settle with the mere feeling the former gives. Even if you don’t say it, I’m sure you’d choose what makes you happy. We’re human right? And to err is something we inevitably do. But what about the right thing? Are you just going to compromise what ‘feels’ right than what ‘really’ is right?

This is what you call the pain of choosing what is right rather than what feels right in love. Well, this is how I call it. You’d choose to be happy – of course, we are entitled to our own happiness – over doing what is right. What I think people settle for most of the time is how long they have suffered a heartbreak, so when they get to be treated right (even by the wrong person) they’ll choose it.

Let’s face it. Being a mistress or a third-party is wrong in the eyes of the society. Women who are engaged in it get. If you put yourself in the shoes of the girlfriend or the wife, I’m sure you too would get mad about having your SO shared with someone else. Who would probably even consider that on the first place?

But when you’re in a relationship and you are the mistress, chances are you’d pursue the love that makes you happy. Well, if he treats you right and he makes you happy, why would you even consider leaving him on the first place?

“Yes, he may have a girlfriend or a wife, but if he loves her, he wouldn’t compromise dating me on the first place.”

“He isn’t happy anymore. That’s why he has me. I’m just going to wait until it’s okay.”

I understand, though. You will never cease to feel ‘this and that’ when you’re in love. Rationality will succumb to your emotions, and what will make you happy and satisfied will always be your first choice. But, I would like to ask you:

Do you really think ‘this’ situation is what you deserve? Are you really going to be happy in the expense of having someone else hurt?

If ‘this’ love makes you feel ‘alive,’ would you kill somebody else’s heart? Someone who has a different name, different personality, innocently unconscious, but has the same gender and feelings as you do? Think about it.

He will not leave you. He will not leave you because this is what makes HIM happy. Unless you push him away – like, religiously push him away to the extent of inventing something that will make him decide to leave you (for your own good), and/or he realizes he still loves the first one (especially in the event she finds out about you and him and she decides to leave him), then he will.

But, guess what? This is not the end of the chess game. When they’re through and you’re still available, he’ll keep you. Why? Because you love him – you still love him – and your tendency is to allow him to have you as his RESERVE. Are you ready to be rebounded? At the end of the day, he’ll come running back to the first, and while you’re still together, he has her now for his reserve. Now both of you are reserves. If she acts up, he has you. If you act up, he has her. What a fine way of changing the rules on the chessboard. Is there anything more cruel and tyrant than that?

I’m not saying all men have this way of thinking. But if stereotyping is a case and GUILTY MEN doing these are in denial and would like to appeal against me now, I bet you can be my witness, and we can have your situation as my evidence. The mere gesture manifests denial, and denial is the weakest sign in court. Denial is the product of guilt, and there’s no other psychological explanation to defy that logic. I mean, why would he keep two women? Why would he keep both of you and tell the two of you he ‘loves’ you?

I couldn’t blame the other woman, though. You love him. And, compromising to become his third-party or side chick would always be the last option you’ll have for yourself. I understand that. This isn’t what you’ve planned for on the first place. No, you’re not selfish. You’re just in love. But who’s the ‘loser’ not just in the eyes of the society, but also in the heart of someone who loves so hopelessly? Who’s the loser in the eyes of the cheater who knows who he truly loves, but cheats because he thinks he loves someone better?

I know you know the answer. Don’t deny just because it hurts.

By the way, I want to take this opportunity and tell the judgmental society that inhibits hypocrisy to screw themselves up, and to stop judging the women they know a third-party. You have no idea what they’re feeling or going through – just what you know they’re doing. Some women may be accused of adultery, but those who are having a hard time letting go aren’t the same b*tch you have in mind. Why? Because if ‘this’ is just for ‘fun’, they could have easily jumped from one man to another.

Never degrade or underestimate a woman undergoing this situation whose vulnerability and fragility should you really blame on the first place. Women are naturally fragile. You’re a woman, you know what I’m saying. You’re a man, you know where I’m coming from. They easily fall in love, especially if a man gives them a reason to. In my defense, they are not the ones to blame but the cheaters. If they hadn’t flirted with other women on the first place while in a relationship, these women wouldn’t fall for the trap. They wouldn’t resort to becoming irrationally ill; defending what they ‘think’ is right because for them, this is what they want and think they “deserve.”

To a cheating man, if you’re not happy with your relationship anymore, why not end it? Why hold on to something that holds you back from being happy? You’re just hurting two good women unworthy of the garbage you call “love.”

To the women experiencing infidelity, please don’t blame your fellow women. Climbing back up after falling 50 feet underground is a whole lot of work. Even Alice had to drink a potion just to escape the 50 feet rabbit hole underground. Know what I’m saying? It’s naturally and inevitably HARD once you’re in it. Women are vulnerable – we all are. Don’t deny that. Even the strong and independent women fall for this once their right brain malfunctions.

If you find yourself in this situation, please choose to do what is right. Don’t do what is easy. There are plenty of fish in the sea, although as of the moment he is YOUR Sea, you could always swim and transfer oceans anytime.

You don’t have to fight for something that is already wrong in the first place. Unless he leaves his legitimate one, now is the time you have the right to do so. But, I’m going to ask you again. If he was able to do it on his first, wouldn’t he be able to do the same thing to you all over again? Think about it.

Always choose what is best for you. Compromising for the sake of love will just drown your hopes in it. Choose to be free alone and find yourself instead of staying in a relationship that is wrong for you. The wisest decisions are always the hardest, but you can always learn how to deal with it. More so, you can always find someone better than that. If you think he already is the ‘best’ one for you, how much more if the right one arrives? TC mark

Read This