Are you sad?
Do you feel sorry for yourself?
I think its about time that you throw yourself a pity-party.
Now I know you are thinking, “But Caelan, how does one throw such a torrid affair?” Well lucky for you, I’m an expert, a “pity-party animal” one might say.
So I have a few steps to achieving ultimate party and self destruction:
1. Start with circumstance
Now, of course you can throw a pity party for the heck of it, but usually to pity yourself to the degree of an actual party you need to have a motive. Whether its because you failed a math test, got your period in class, have your period in general, got stuck in an awkward car hug, you’re going through a breakup or you found out that Amy Poehler and Will Arnett broke up, there are many reasons to pity yourself and your life, you just need to find one.
(Don’t seek these circumstances, trust me, they will find you)
2. Loathe and pity yourself
To do this right you need to loathe yourself and your situation, but instead of letting that angry fester to maybe even inspire you to do something about it, let it bubble up but then quickly turn it into pity.
Ask yourself, why did this happen to you?
Why is your life so miserable?
Why is everyone unfair to you?
How is this fair?
Questions like that will fuel the pity, and just make sure you keep the pity going, if someone tries to talk to you deny everything positive they say.
3. Crawl under your comforter
4. Bust out some Elliott Smith tunes
Oh Elliott, my good ole friend. His soothing voice and haunting melodies allow for the perfect soundtrack for when you are feeling blue and or sorry for yourself. Pity-parties can have any sort of soundtrack but the more melancholy the better. Some other options are:
Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley
Asleep- The Smiths
Mad World- Gary Jules
Grey- Ani DiFranco
While listening to this music lie face up on your bed, stare at the ceiling and think “Why?” This music will enhance your mood.
5. Forget hygiene
It doesn’t matter when you are pitying yourself and wearing the same sweatpants all day.
NOTHING MATTERS, EVERYTHING HURTS!!
6. Reiterate that your life is harder than everybody elses’
You are so unlucky and so unfortunate and you should feel really sorry for yourself.
Everyone is getting hitched and having bouncy little babies and look at you, your only accomplishment is being able to answer all the questions that flash on the screen before the movies begin
“What is A. Gary Busey?!”
WHY IS THE UNIVERSE TORTURING YOU!!!
7.Eat your feelings
Ben and Jerry are your dear friends.
Eff, calories are your friends, they wont hurt you, they wont leave you and most importantly they wont judge you. Feel free to indulge because thats what a party is for right? A pity-party is like a pot-luck, but YOU get all the food and your only guests are failed ambition and yoga pants.
*WARNING* do not drink booze while pity-partying, that is a horrible horrible idea waiting to happen *WARNING*
You haven’t been crying yet?
WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!?!
Let those tears start pouring like Niagara Falls!
Must I mention that its your party and you can cry if you want to. Hello, why not, make it rainnnnnnnnnn.
9.More ice cream and more crying
You’re crying, then you’re eating, then you’re crying, then you’re eating–you are a multitasking wizard, while eating a blizzard. You can be as messy and as loud as you want too It’s your night, you are a star.
When you cry and hide and sulk and eat and repeat, you are eventually going to get exhausted. If you have time, take a bubble bath, watch a sad film and softly cry yourself to sleep while you curl up on your twin bed thats covered in tissues and potato chip crumbs. The party is over, turn off the lights and trust me, as the light trickles in through your windows in the wee hours of the morning, you will feel rejuvenated, you will emerge from your self-pity cocoon like a butterfly and guarantee you will be feeling 100% better. Because despite this party, you are beautiful, and talented and are going to accomplish a lot.
I hope that helped.
Let me know how your pity-party went and have a wonderful day and please keep it sorry.