Explaining The 2013 Best Picture Nominees To My Mother
Django Unchained: “Jamie Fox and that evil German guy from that Brad Pitt movie, the one you didn’t watch because it was “too bloody.” Well yes, they team up to find Jamie Foxx’s wife and they later hang out with Leonardo Dicaprio. Yes, the guy from Titanic.”
Silver Linings Playbook: “It has that guy from the Hangover… no, not the funny fat one, the other one. The one you don’t like who used to go out with the Avatar chick. And it also has Jennifer Lawrence… the Hunger Games girl… she had the bow and arrow. Well, the Hangover guy has to move back in with his parents, and he meets the Hunger Games girl and love blooms. Yes, I know he is old enough to be her dad.”
Les Misérables: “Gladiator, the Devil Wears Prada actress who you despise, Wolverine, and Amanda Seyfried, you know the chick from Mean Girls? The blonde one. Well, they all get together in France and they sing their hearts out. Is there a flash mob? Well… I guess there is.”
Zero Dark Thirty: “It’s a movie about the capture and killing of Osama Bin Laden. No, I didn’t spoil the ending for you.
Argo: “Ben Affleck, yes the man who used to date Jennifer Lopez. Yes, I know how you feel about her. Well, he leads this fake film crew and he attempts to get American hostages out of Iran. Yes, I know it’s something you wouldn’t take out of the Redbox.”
Beasts of the Southern Wild: “I have never heard of this, but a nine year old girl did get nominated for an Oscar for her role. Yes, I know I have some work to do.”
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”