January 19, 2013

7 Things We Do That Make Us Look Like Jerks

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What is the issue?
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1) “Parking Spots Are For Shopping Carts, Right?”

We’d rather not walk a little distance to put our shopping cart back in their designated area, so we think it’s best to put it right in the middle of an empty parking spot. Just imagine how quickly a person goes from feeling elation because they found an empty parking spot in a jam-pack parking lot, to anger when they realize it is occupied by a cart.

*Bonus Asshole Points

When others continue to add shopping carts to that same parking spot creating shopping cart hell.

2) Movie Theatre Seat Hog

The seat beside us isn’t taken but we will put either a jacket, or a purse, or just stretch our arm out far enough to notify others that the seat next to us is taken. If that doesn’t work, let’s just say we are holding it for our grandmother who will be dropped off by her nursing home’s bus any minute now.

*Bonus Asshole Points

Watching the sad person you made sit in the front row of the theatre turn around and look back at the empty seat next to you.

3) Everything is a Sample at the Supermarket

I would like to try these new blue cheese tortilla chips, so I will open the bag here at the supermarket and have a few. I will then roll the bag up and toss it between some cereal boxes.

*Bonus Asshole Points

I like the chips very much, so I will grab a non-opened bag and pay for them.

4) “Where Did I Pick Up This Shirt Again?”

While it can be a grand ole time shopping and trying clothes on, sometimes life is so rough that we just don’t feel like putting things back where we found them. So, common sense tells us to toss everything in random places around the store.

*Bonus Asshole Points

“I don’t fucking work here! It’s not my job to fold these jeans!”

5) The Classic Elevator Shun

Let’s face it, we would rather not share a tiny space with a complete stranger who may or may not have had taken a shower that morning. So if we hear any sign that a human being might be nearby, we will hit the “close doors” button repeatedly.

*Bonus Asshole Points

Eye contact as the doors close.

6) The Tip Discussion

Let’s all go around the table and judge the waiter. What we each say will determine how little we leave in tip money. It seems that the majority agree that the waiter took too long to refill our drinks, one of my forks had dried water spots on them, and I had to ask him for a straw.

*Bonus Asshole Points

“That fucker probably makes more in tips than I do in a month.”

7) The Parking Spot Close Call

Sometimes we just have an urge to park our big SUV in a tiny parking spot. And yes, in doing so, we may park a little too close to the car next to us making it impossible for that person to re-enter their car upon return.

*Bonus Asshole Points

Not being there to witness the person re-enter their car through the passenger side. TC mark

Bryan Brunati

Bryan Brunati is a writer from New York City who enjoys talking about all things pop culture, loves to people watch, …

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