7 Sexual Things That Have Lost Their LUSTer
1) Cyber Sex
Oh, to find yourself in a chatroom talking dirty to what may or may not have been a 45-year-old man. Cyber Sex was all the rage when you and your middle school friends all gathered around your desktop and chatted with what you thought was a “18/f/Cali.” As chatrooms have fizzled, and our awareness has heightened, it seems that “HotBlonde4U” doesn’t exactly get things moving down below anymore.
2) Phone Sex
While phone sex may hold a special place in the hearts of long-distance relationships and people who refuse to accept that web cams have been invented, it is tough when static decides to make an appearance or when your hearing decides to show its age. It is especially difficult when you find your partner in crime asking “What did you say…?” Or “I didn’t hear you…” all while trying to maintain their lovely balance of dirty talk and heavy breathing.
AutoCorrect. A person doesn’t really need another reason to be against sexting. Not only must you focus on turning a person on through the magic of vocabulary, but you also must make sure that all those English classes you took paid off. And on top of that, you must realize that AutoCorrect will never be on your side and will make you look like an ass.
4) “Say My Name!”
It is always great to hear anyone say your name, and it sounds like it would be a wonderful idea to hear them yell it while your sweaty bodies are tangled like determined high school wrestlers who want to impress their girlfriends, but it isn’t. Trust me. When you’re mid-lovemaking and your guy or gal scream your name and sound like a loan shark who is yelling your name because he’s angry and looking for his cash, it’s not erotic. At all.
5) Role Play
I’m sure any woman would enjoy donning a Xena costume and giving her best warrior cry before jumping into bed for a night of raunchy sex, but the fact of the matter is if your significant other agrees to be naked in a room with you, do everyone a favor and do not suggest they dress up like your favorite Ghostbuster. It is fun to dress up, but it’s even more fun to have sex.
6) “What’s That Red Light?”
There was a time when Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian glamorized sex tapes and everyone’s new best friend became a camera tripod, but in reality they quickly became the number one way to either blackmail someone or unintentionally become the next great porn star. Let’s face it; the majority of us have massive egos. If you want to see yourself having sex so badly, invest in a mirror.
7) Setting The Mood
Candles, chocolates, and some rose petals lightly thrown on the bed are a nice touch if it’s Valentine’s Day or an afternoon movie on Lifetime, but while the effort will be duly noted, the rest of the night probably won’t be. Our generation prefers to skip on the R. Kelly music that fills the bedroom and would prefer to get straight to sex. If you want to be romantic, have a bad movie and pizza ready to go afterwards.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”