Generation Z Can F*ck Right Off

The Globe & Mail, one of Canada’s largest national newspapers, recently published a profile on the hire-ability of “Gen Z” – those born between 1994 and 2010, who are set to enter the workforce next year. They comprise 27 million people in the US and Canada alone.

Hovering over the link, I couldn’t help but feel a sick sense of excitement. My generation (Y) has taken a serious beating in the department of public perception. For years now, we’ve held the title of Most Unbearable Generation Ever and have been anxious to pass the torch onto the next wave of post-Williamsburg scenesters.

“What these irreparably optimistic, meme-obsessed minions have failed to notice,” I gleefully imagined it reading, “Is that there’s actually a world outside of their Snapchat – a living, breathing planet with struggles and problems beyond their own.”

Unfortunately, my fantasy was quickly dashed by the actual article; a glowing puff piece that painted a much different picture of the career-threatening, over-achieving ass hats in my rear-view mirror.

“Gen Z is an open-minded generation and sees the opportunity to learn from others…”

Ah shit.

“This is a good thing for companies that have been stressed out as Gen Ys have been job-hopping repeatedly over the past few years. Gen Z has the opportunity to rise more quickly in an organization by being loyal when Gen Y isn’t.”

Uh oh.

“Globally, we found that Gen Z appears to be more entrepreneurial, loyal, open-minded and less motivated by money than Gen Y.”

Woa, woa, WOA. Stop the clock!

We’re still licking the wounds that came from our definitive label as the WORST, most self-absorbed and unaware generation in the history of the galaxy – and now you’re telling me our successors (by a few piddly years!) are being lauded as the patron saints of empathy and self-fulfillment?!

Assholes!

Fuck you Gen Z. Who’d you pay off? What kind of deal did you broker with the cultural zeitgeist to make this so? What makes you so damn different?

I know it’s not your fault. I know you’re just getting labeled the same way we did. But how’d you manage to avoid our end of the stick? The one covered in fecal matter?

I mean, who do you think you are?

You probably don’t even think vinyl is cool, do you? We just spent five years trying to make that shit happen again. We blew away all our money on awful 45”s at musky record shops, and for what? So you turd mongrels could go and throw it all away for a dopey Spotify profile? WHY DO YOU TRUST THE CLOUD? DON’T YOU READ THE NEWS?

I guess you’re just too busy getting involved in various charitable initiatives. Well here’s another cause you can get behind: sucking my dick.

If you were one of my Facebook friends, I’d delete you. Oh wait, NEVERMIND, you’re too cool to even use Facebook! You rather just post beautiful photos on Instagram, which isn’t even annoying. Even your most vapid behaviour is relatively well adjusted. It makes me sick.

Fuck you Gen Z. Fuck your Kik Messenger and your blind optimism and saying “dat ____ tho…”

Fuck your highly evolved morals and greater chance at happiness than I’ll ever have.

Fuck right off.

You’re kinder, more fulfilled, and presumably better looking than your reporting elders, and it’s a gross case of generational insubordination. You don’t even have jobs yet and you’re still making us look like shit.

So shove it, Gen Z. Shove it right up your collective dick hole. And don’t even try talking to me until you’ve learned to be at least half as narcissistic, unsuccessful, and financially deplete as my Gen Y brethren.

PS – hire me in a few years?