September 16, 2016

51 People Reveal The Most Pathetic Thing An Ex Ever Said To Try To Get Them Back

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Responses originally posted on Reddit

1.

“I just don’t think either of us have the right mental state to date other people right now. Come home please. Bring McDonalds.”

— zebra_butts

2.

“You can’t call 911! You love me!”

( I called 911)

— Kingofthejunkyard

3.

She cheated. I said so long, get out of my house. She did, moved in with this guy. She showed up a few weeks later with her cat and some belongings and said she made a mistake, wants me back because she “needs me to take care of her.”

Sorry, what? You’re trying to move in while cheating on me and simultaneously asking me to pamper you?

— keepitdownoptimist

4.

He broke up with me by sort-of ghosting me after two years together. He wouldn’t show up when we had plans, then text me later and apologize and say sweet things, but go on to ignore my calls for a week. He set his status to single on Facebook so I figured it was done and deleted him.

Almost a year later he sent me a text saying he was sorry, that he was willing to talk and answer any questions I had, and that he regretted what he did because I was the second best girlfriend he’d ever had. I shit you not. I told him I didn’t need his answers and didn’t want to be his friend. He never bothered me after that.

— bringmethebatman

5.

“My new girlfriend is terrible…I miss you a lot. Like I sometimes regret leaving you. You are so much better than her. Just so you know, I’m going to dump her soon. After we go on vacation, because I’m using her miles to buy my ticket”

Like…Uh there are so many things wrong with that. And the vacation was two months away. I told him he had “made decisions” so I didn’t feel bad for the fact he “missed” me and never spoke to him again.

— devoricpiano

6.

my phone rings “Hey just wanted to let you know that I’m getting married this afternoon and I’m pregnant so now is your last chance…”

2 years later my phone rings “Hey, I’m pregnant again and getting married again…this is your real last chance…”

— KylerTopFlight

7.

He decided to make a grand gesture for my birthday which was about 6 months after the break up. He had a cake made in the shape of Australia. He had it shipped to me in a locked steamer trunk. (Keys in the card)

All of this was based off of a line from Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-long blog: ” she may cry but her tears will dry when I hand her the keys to a shiny new Australia. ”

This is after I found out that I was the other woman, and I had started to date someone else.

It was just painfully awkward.

Side note : the cake was dry.

— Sheldwyn

8.

“If we break up, it’s just a matter of time before you ask for your laptop back and I use it for school so I’m going to have to drop out and my kids are going to be raised in poverty. Do you really want that on your conscience!?”

— HotWheels17

9.

A month after we had broken up, I started dating a new guy. My ex told me that he would cut his hair to look like the new guy’s, dress like the new guy, and act exactly like the new guy if I got back with him.

— aranjelais

10.

I once dated this guy who literally carved my name into his hand. He said he did it because he couldn’t afford a tattoo. And when I broke up with him for it he said, ” but, your name is carved into my hand!!”

I’m not sure if that was supposed to make me stay, or if he at that moment, realized how stupid he was.

— woody527

11.

Finally broke up with him after three years. His big gesture to get me back (an e-mail about how he couldn’t live without me) ended as follows: “I get now that you’re not a whore. That’s why I treated you the way I did. I thought you were a whore, but now I see you’re not.” Wow… Be still my beating heart!

— JBTBE

12.

“I just miss the boy I used to know,” then she turned around and walked away. She later texted me, “I wanted you to run after me.”

— pleasegetoffmycase

13.

“Nobody will ever love you like I did.” Great, I could do without being loved via a fist to the stomach.

— nerdybird84

14.

‘I know i cheated, but your dick was better than his’

— the_love_we_deserve

15.

Tried the ole fake pregnancy to keep me around , only thing is I’m the female. I’m not sure how he thought he could convince me I was pregnant…

— olives_andsuch

16.

“I’m just kidding. We are not really broken up.”

Me: wtf no sorry that’s not how this works.

Some more info. She broke up with me over the phone, during which I tried to rationalize why, how, what went wrong, etc. I talked with her for a good 30 minutes at least but she was content on saying sorry it’s over.

I rationalized and accepted and was ready to move on. Heart tender obviously since the relationship was real for me at the time. At this point is when she said “just kidding. We are not really broken up. I was just testing you to see if you would fight for the relationship”. I about lost my shit. No. No that’s not how any of this works. I hate to break it to you, but your plan backfired. We really are broken up, because you do NOT test me like this. Not like this.

— istandforgnodab

17.

“I would have treated you better, except I thought you’d never leave me!”

— InvincibleSummer1066

18.

“My cat told me that letting you get away was my biggest mistake ever,” after I moved out.

— Kingofthejunkyard

19.

“I didn’t fuck both of the twins, I only fucked one”
Spoiler… She did fuck them both

— jeffjones30

20.

My abusive ex-husband sent me a long, impersonal email three years after I left him. My favorite part was: “We should get back together. I don’t want to be with you, but by some miracle of God, I might grow to tolerate or even enjoy your company.”

He was serious. I laughed for about two minutes and then sent screenshots to my boyfriend.

— Prettypinkscarf

21.

Him: “Just talk to me and tell me why.”

Me: “Because it’s not working and I’m not happy.”

Him: “But I’ve changed! It’ll be different!”

Me: “No. I’ve made my decision, I’m done. We are over.”

Him: “Is there somebody else? If there is, just tell me. Just tell me who he is! Tell me who you’re fucking!”

Me: “I’m not doing this, you’re acting crazy. I’m hanging up.”

Him: “If you hang up on me I will kill myself!”

Me: “Stop this. You can’t guilt me into staying on the phone. Now I’ve got shit to do, I have to go.”

Him: “What do you have to do? You’re just standing in your living room talking to me on the phone. You don’t look very busy to me. I can see you, you know.”

It was a long distance relationship, he lived in a town across the state. Stalking is not flattering, it’s terrifying.

— nitarrific

22.

“I promise I won’t try to stab you again.”

— flammablepenguins

23.

“We don’t have to be boyfriend and girlfriend but I don’t want you having sex with other people.”

— ThatDigitalNinja

24.

“It won’t happen again.”

We were 17 and it was so obvious that he was cheating, the guy didn’t even try to hide anything. I still remember getting a message from his best friend saying “So uh he and her are all over each other at the moment”. Bless your socks, Dylan. Saved me a shit ton of teen anguish.

— PM_ME_DANK_PIZZA

25.

Had a cheating girlfriend tell me she, “inspected the guy’s penis really well to make sure he didn’t have any signs of disease.” That made me feel a lot better obviously.

— HughGasol

26.

Broke up with douche bag ex while in Mexico with my mom. MY MOM. He said I cheated on him and told me my dad died to get away from my spoiled princess ways. He spent the next 6 hours calling me and my mom trying to win me back. Roaming charges were disgusting so we didn’t answer or read the texts. Way too expensive. Finally my mom got pissed and answered the phone. He was breathing heavy. My mom asked what he wanted.

He said, “I just want to talk to her. You have to let me talk.”

My mom said, “fine. Talk.”

He said, “all sarah had to do was-”

And then my mom hung up cause she didn’t want to hear more about what I did wrong.

After reading over a hundred texts about what I did wrong, how awful I was, how much he misses me, the girl he slept with, the lies he told me, the apologies for the lies, the endless litany of how he’ll change etc, etc I turned off my phone and didn’t turn it on until the next morning. That morning I had almost a hundred missed calls and 18 voice mails. I didn’t listen to any of them.

FUCK YOU KEN.

— Aimless_Creation

27.

Left a dead rose in my mailbox after calling my house about 100 times. Called later and asked if I liked my “present” and told me that’s how he feels without me, dead and withered. Somehow, I was not moved to take him back.

— Troll_Flogger

28.

“I’m the only one that wants you.”

— IcemanofEA

29.

Cheated on me with more women than I have fingers and toes.

Then I found out. Tore him a new one, he goes and gets a HUGE tattoo on his forearm, of a nickname he gave me that I never liked. And was shocked when I told him to go deep throat a cactus.

— Glowtits_

30.

A girl once tried to make me feel sorry for her and told me that she cut herself because of me breaking up with her.

It didn’t quite work, but it really made me go quite insane thinking that if she did something even more dangerous, people would start to point fingers.

In other words, if I would’ve dated her again, it wouldn’t be to make her happy, it would just make me feel reassured that I wouldn’t be the cause of a death.

Never went out with her, but she kept telling people that I was verbally abusing her.

Stopped talking to her. After a while, rumors died. She moved. It was done with.

— Anonymously-Used

31.

“I know it’s been like a year, but I’ve asked out 4 other girls and they’ve all said no. So I thought I’d try again with you.”

— iwasbornon420

32.

“You’ll never be with anyone like me”

Well yeah. That’s what I’m sure hoping.

— fivemetresfromthesun

33.

I’m paraphrasing here but it boiled down to “Uggh this guy I cheated on you with is so awful, we should hang out”

And I was all like “Nah bitch.”

— PillageForJesus

34.

“Your sisters are hotter than you, but I like your personality best.” Thanks a peach, but no thanks.

— cooljeopardyson

35.

“I miss you so much, I’m sorry for everything I did. Please give me another chance, move back in. You’ll see. I’ve changed.”

I said no, and then I got the following:

“I took your virginity so that means you have to come back to me. You belong to me and you always will. Leave him or I will make you.”

— CatsOnCocaine

36.

Before breaking up we had a series of conversations to try to work things out. After I ended it he said, “I didn’t realize all the stuff you talked about mattered that much to you.”

— sarcasticgraduate

37. 

“I’ll publish every nude pic you sent me”.

I left him anyways. he never published anything.

— aballofunicorns

38.

“I’m pregnant.”

— chris1096

39.

That I should marry him for his money. He was in college to be a high school teacher at the time.

— rikulova

40.

“I’ll stop burning your food if you come back!”

bitch wtf, I thought you just couldn’t cook…

— JDogg_of_RS

41.

“I’m ready to try anal.”

— Paymaker

42.

Broke up with ex yet she would still text me constantly. One day she tells me she has cancer and is in need of immediate surgery. I ask her what’s specifically and she tells me she has cervical cancer. I ask for facts and she throws some at me.

What she neglected to remember was that I worked in medicine.

In a surgical unit.

With two OBGYN’S.

I helped them daily performing the exact surgery she said she “needed.” When she was done I replied with a very long text detailing how everything she said wasn’t factual. Never heard from her again.

— Blabernathy

43.

Calls me six months after our breakup at 11pm on a weeknight when I had classes the next day (college).

She tells me “Remember that tree at the peak of American Fork canyon that we carved our names into?”

“Uhh yeah?”

“I’m gonna drive up there right now to see it if you wanna go with me.”

“Lol I have school tomorrow.”

“Oh……. Ok”

This was after she ended our three year relationship to go be with some white trash “bad boy” named David that she somehow knew from before I met her. He had gone to prison for stealing semi-trucks and just got out a month or two before she ran off with him.

I spent about a month acting like a pathetic moron texting and calling her, begging for her to take me back. To be fair it was my first real relationship and the thought of losing her was unbearable at the time because I was an idiot. Six months had been plenty of time to move on though. Thank god she waited that long to crawl back so I could use my brain and say no thanks.

Never heard from her again. Though I did see her in the newspaper about two years later. Apparently her, David, her twin brother Brad, and some other chick all got arrested for counterfeiting money and trying to use it at a local Wendy’s 😂. They even used plain printer paper and a cheap inkjet printer to do it. I like to imagine them drugged up and suddenly feeling like geniuses when they figured out how to line it up and print on both sides of the paper 😂😂

Edit: Found the article. I should mention that she looked a lot better when we were dating. Not sure what happened to her. Probably drugs.

— Chevex

44.

“Come on…take one for the team.”

Huh what?

— nicismyspiritanimal

45.

“I know it was wrong of me to try and separate you from all your female friends. I just get jealous sometimes. Give me another chance. We can compromise. I’ll stop complaining about you seeing them, as long as you’re not alone with them.”

(BTW – she has TONS of guy friends that she would never abandon)

— MrMagooLostHisShoe

46.

I broke up with a guy in senior year of high school. Two weeks later, he called me to tell me that he thought we should break up, since he had refused to allow me to break up with him earlier, despite the fact that I said I was done. He said that if I ‘came to my senses’, he’d consider taking me back. I told him that was never going to happen, but wished him luck.

The fun epilogue of this story comes two years after that. I logged into AIM to chat with my college best friend and low.and behold, he logged on! I said hi and asked how he was doing. He said he had a fiancée but that there was an issue and asked for a favor. I asked what it was, because I was curious.

He asked for a picture of my feet. When I asked why, he explained that the only way he could get off was by picturing me coming home from a long day of work on my feet and making him clean my sweaty feet with his tongue. If he could see my feet, he was pretty sure he could ‘ get over it’. I asked if he’d tried role playing with his fianceé , since it was almost certainly the power dynamic he liked and not specifically me, especially since he and I never did anything remotely like that. He said that they’d tried, but it didn’t work and it was my feet, or he couldn’t get hard.

He then asked if I’d be willing to boss around him and the woman he was going to marry so that he could maybe cum from sex with her. I logged off of aim and have never logged in again.

— effexxor

47.

After telling me she didn’t love me, leaving the kids with a friend whilst I was at work so she could go get drunk with her male friend, getting drunk whilst throwing my son a birthday party and texting her male friend whilst locking her self in her bedroom and letting the other parents run the party for her ( i was at work ).

The final straw came when she told me I wasn’t invited to a party her brother was throwing so I had to stay home to watch the kids, she had left herself logged onto social media so her sexual messages to her male friend were pinging up every min or so until he told her the taxi was outside. I changed the locks that night and packed her clothes and put them outside her mums house when she came home she was screaming and throwing bricks at the house so I told her if she didn’t leave I’d call the police. DRUM ROLL PLEASE….. “But you can’t just turn off 10 years of marriage, you must still love me”.

— RevertToType

48.

“I wouldn’t have broken up with you if you sent nudes :(“

— friedpotatoo

49.

I had to pull over my car because she was threatening to jump out of the passenger door. When I finally pull over on the side of the road we are about a mile from her place when she starts marching down the road. I have a bunch of shit in my trunk because I picked her up from practice that afternoon.

“If you don’t take me back then I’m going to tell my parents that you raped me!” *continues marching towards her place with tears down her face.

I broke up with her that night because she stole my car, punched my best friend in the face, hit on my other friend, and then talked badly of my parents… Yikes.

— Zef_Apollo

50.

“I made you’re favorite steak and cole slaw! Here’s a beer, now come put your baby inside me!”

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°),

(Ran like hell)

— personal_massager

51.

“But my mom and I were talking, and I was going to start letting you hang out with your friends in a week or two.”

— thicknprettypanda TC mark

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