There’s no big fight or dramatic betrayal, but a sense of hopelessness that invades you piece by piece, until you’re defeated and empty.
In a way, it’s almost worst. You have nothing to blame, nowhere to point your angry finger. The loss is slow and draining, providing you no ammunition to fight.
It starts with a shred of doubt, casting a shadow over all the happiness you’ve somehow taken for granted.
You thought everything was going well but now you’re forced to question that feeling as though it’s an unfounded assumption. “Is it all in my head?”
You start to worry about all those things that never bothered you before. Little hints of jealousy that were previously quelled by his unwavering love are no longer tamed so easily. You read into every emotion, seeing his indifference as disinterest and wondering what’s changed.
“Is it my fault? Am I going crazy?”
The same things don’t make him happy the way they did before. It sounds trite, but you finally understand how that phrase feels. You try harder to make him smile; hoping that, somehow, a tiny indication of happiness will shatter this reality where you’re losing him little by little. It doesn’t.
It feels hopeless and worthless, clinging to him like a sinking ship. He’s drifting away from you but it’s out of your control to bring him back. You sit beside him, legs touching, fingers in his hair, but he feels far away. Nothing you can say will bring him back to you. He looks past you when he talks and it makes your chest cave in.
One day, it hits you like an emotional tidal wave. That shred of doubt has won you over, and you can feel it; he doesn’t love you anymore.
It hurts. You thought heartbreak was an abstract pain but it’s not. The feeling is harsh; it’s tangible. Your chest aches, your throat tightens, and your lungs struggle to fill with every breath.
You’re grasping around in the dark for any kind of feeling that fits, but there’s nothing to cure this kind of hurt. Anger is unfair, sadness can’t fix the physical void inside your chest and numbness is only a side effect of the desire to scream and cry. You’re grieving him as though he was lost but he’s standing right in front of you. But, there’s no way to explain that to your aching heart.