23 Apologies I Owe My Daughter
1. I’m sorry I thought I was qualified to cut your hair… I wasn’t and that bowl cut was totally my fault and I accept whatever cosmic punishment is coming my way in recompense.
2. I’m sorry I tell people the story about how you kept calling the Parmesan cheese ‘Farmer John’s’ cheese and I never corrected you because it was hilarious and then you said it at a friend’s house and they all laughed at you.
3. I’m sorry I let your fish die over the summer and replaced it with another fish the day before you came home. You were right, Jake totally did have another stripe.
4. I’m sorry about your geographic tongue… in my defense, it’s probably genetic so you’ll probably give it to your offspring too.
5. Oh, and I’m sorry I refer to you as my offspring in public.
6. I’m sorry about that time I spazzed out because a bee landed in my hair and I knocked you into the pool in front of all your little friends.
7. I’m sorry I called another mom a ‘prissy bitch’ loud enough that your teacher heard me.
8. I’m sorry that sometimes I used to, when you were little, draw a mustache on your face and take pictures. I’m also sorry about the goatee…
9. I’m sorry I tell everyone about how you used to call kitty cats ‘titty tats.’
10. I’m sorry that I didn’t warn you what a ‘dutch oven’ was before your Aunt tricked you into participating in one.
11. I’m sorry I still think it’s funny that you peed on Santa when you were three.
12. I’m sorry about that time I let your Aunt drive my car when she was still learning and yelled really loud ‘WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!’ and you started crying. I’m also sorry that I thought it was kinda funny.
13. On that note, I’m sorry I thought it was funny that you woke up in the car that one time when your leg was asleep and you seriously panicked and thought your leg had died. You’re right, it wasn’t cute, it was very, very serious.
14. I’m sorry that I had to pretend I was mad at you that one time you kicked that little boy in the nuts when he kept chasing you around and pulling your hair and pinching you. I thought it was awesome.
15. I’m sorry you know more about superheroes and fantasy books than you probably know about current politics or cultures. My bad.
16. I’m sorry I really, really, really suck at math and I’ve only got about two years left of knowledge in me and then you are on your own kiddo.
17. I’m sorry that I take pictures of the way you sleep but it is seriously one of the funniest things I have ever seen and I am going to compile an album for your future husband/wife/whatever.
18. I’m sorry about that one time your grandpa convinced you it would be hilarious to scare the shit out of me while I was napping on the couch and I knocked you off the coffee table. To be fair, I thought you were the girl from The Ring in my sleep daze.
19. I’m sorry I forced you to see Tangled three times in the theater because I loved it so much. I have a borderline (okay, totally) creepy crush on Flynn Rider.
20. Can we just forget about that time I accidently hit that school crossing sign? I’m sorry I scared you but I feel like you’re holding it over my head because I told you not to tell your step-dad. Pure blackmail at this point.
21. I’m sorry I taught you to tell everyone I’m omnipotent.
22. I’m sorry your first word was Cheetos, I have a problem, I understand that.
23. I’m sorry about that time I accidently farted in the library and acted like it was you.