24 Thoughts Every Chronic Over-Thinker Has While Attempting To “Casually Date”

I don’t know what “casual dating” is. Do you? I guess the only idea I’ve ever had of it is steak dinners and goodnight half-kisses in 90s rom coms, and that’s even a stretch. “Casual dating” seems like a mix of the most impossible and undesirable things I want to do with my weekends. Who are you “casually” taking out? Where are you meeting all these people? How long does this go on for?

But I guess I’m just further proving my point that over-thinkers cannot casually date. They really can’t do anything casually, but especially this. Casual dating requires a significant amount of chill and we were born and will continue to exist with approximately none. So here, the 24 most insane thoughts you probably had while trying to meet up with some guy from Tinder last weekend. From my neurotic mind to yours…

1. “If you aren’t immediately obsessed with me I interpret that to mean that you’re not interested. Like, when I see something I’m going to be in love with I’m obsessed with it immediately. It didn’t take me four Nacho Bell Grandes to know I loved Taco Bell.”

2. “Right but what does ‘see you SOON’ mean?” *Proceeds to discuss possibilities with friend who is half-listening for the next 2.5 hours.*

3. “How many people are you doing this with?”

4.“Oh. So you don’t [also like something very arbitrary and ultimately unimportant in terms of compatibility?] guess this is a sign that we aren’t getting married. Guess this date is over.”

5. “I want to be on Tinder, it feels like Tinder is a place I should be, and yet there’s some part of me that is convinced someone I’ll know will be on there and they’ll know I’m actively seeking love and I won’t look cool I’ll look thirsty and they’ll go home and say to their friends, oh I saw them on Tinder guess they’re lonely. Oh my god I can’t do Tinder.”

6. Regarding Tinder date, one week later: “How do I nonchalantly inquire as to whether or not they would be willing to lie their asses off to their nearest dearest love ones about how we met?”

7. “Say what you want but the punctuation in a text message is the single most telling sign of where they are at, how they are feeling, what they are thinking about the future. I can basically tell whether or not you’re considering what our kids would look like by how many dots you use at the end of a sentence. Try me.”

8. *Lists in head the 10 different possible meanings and sexual undertones “Hey, what are you up to tonight?” could possibly have.*

9. “… How many people are you doing this with?”

10. “She just said she wants to live in a city for the next few years. I want to live in a city for the next few years. I think that’s what she was implying. Cities. Us. Yeah.” *Continues to listen intently for any subconscious hints that they’re basically about to lock this shit down.*

11. “Where do you take a ‘casual date?’ What’s a casual place? Applebees???? Please god don’t let him take me to Applebees. Actually, that could kind of be great though haven’t been there since I was 16.”

12. “My jeans say, I don’t care, and my nice top says, please fall madly in love with me.”

13. “Wow, this date is actually going really well. …How do I… casually… ask if they’d like to do this again? Casually, though.”

14. “I’m intentionally trying not to talk about how much I want kids or how I’m saving for my house because I know what it’s like to date the kind of crazy that asks you what age you’d like to start procreating and immediately start feeling like ‘oh shit, this one’s in deep.’”

15. “…What’s the difference between a casual date and just… hanging out? How do I differentiate this from just being friends? … Are we just friends? Am I interpreting this wrong? Nobody really says ‘let’s go on a casual date,’ they just say, ‘hey, let’s go out.’ I don’t know what any of this means. I don’t know whether or not I should flirt. This is the worst day of my life.”

16. “How do I gently probe at personal questions without looking f*#king insane?”

17. “This was a bad idea. And I know this is a bad idea because I am viscerally uncomfortable and that means I am not following my soul’s path, and I know this because I’ve read Deepak Chopra’s dating guide.”

18. “Right, but everybody says they’re not really looking for anything because that’s how to be cool and chill. … But like, you’re actually looking for more, right? … Right?”

19. “Do we casually go back to my place and casually happen to have casual sex after this? Or does that make it not casual?”

20.“I literally can’t do this unless I know for sure you’re interested. I am exhausted just from the first 10 minutes of trying to interpret your body language and not look crazy.”

21.“….. I really need to know how many people you’re doing this with.”

22. “Because I wouldn’t mind casually dating as long as I’m the only one you’re doing it with.”

23. “…That’s not casual dating. That’s… dating.”

24. “I’m deleting my Tinder account when I get home and I’m going to live as a recluse committed to their art forever. The Times will report that I lived a life of passionate solitude. Or I’ll get a puppy. Whatever.”