1. Current obsessions
Begins with: I am OBSESSED with…
and continues on to discuss Netflix series, new Starbucks orders we’ve just discovered, trends in patterns and colors, celebrity girl crushes, fictional TV characters who would be perfect for us, our cats/dogs, etc.
Begins with: Can I ask you a huge favor…?
and continues on to discuss the things that we kind of feel bad asking for because we don’t want to impose, so we initially propose the favor as being a lot bigger than it really is so that when you hear it you’ll be more likely to say yes and not think that we’re demanding.
Beings with: Wanna do lunch?
and continues on to discuss when we’re both free, the really cute new restaurant we just discovered in town that just opened, what we’ve been craving lately and how we’re Paleo/on a cleanse/eating kale all day and where the most delicious food for those needs would be located.
4. How much we have eaten over a given period of time
Begins with: Take these [food items] away from me.
and continues onto give plausible reasoning as to why we simply cannot eat anymore chips because in the last day we’ve eaten like 2,000 calories but we really don’t even care.
5. The ex’s new girlfriend
Begins with: I just… I feel bad for her, honestly.
and continues on to discuss how he downgraded, how, even though we’re not trying to be rude or anything, there is no way he’s going to do better than us, or theories as to why they could be dating: he was desperate to move on from me. It’s a rebound. It’s just physical, honestly. Do they even have meaningful conversations?
6. How we could look better
Begins with: “Stop, I don’t even have makeup on…”
and continues on to discuss how we are in sweatpants, haven’t showered and do not have an intense amount of cover up and mascara on and thus do not want to accept the compliment of “you look pretty” because we don’t want you to think that this is the best we can do.
7. Intense apologizing
Begins with: Omg I am soooo sorry.
and continues on to further discussion of things that we probably don’t have to be that sorry about but we don’t want to seem inconsiderate or anything and we didn’t really mean to upset you so we’re going to over-apologize just to make sure you get the idea.
8. Things we don’t care about
Begins with: It’s fine I honestly couldn’t care less.
and continues onto discuss just how much this thing does not affect our life in the slightest but we’re actually not completely convinced that it doesn’t so we’re going to keep repeating it until we’re able to sell it to ourselves a bit more.
9. Contemplating the unlikely
Begins with: Can you imagine?
and continues on to discuss an insane possibility that will most likely never happen but would be so crazy/funny/sad if it did.
10. Complimenting other people
Begins with: Stop. I love your _______.
and continues on to tell people about the things we are admiring/want you to offer to let us borrow (steal) and/or to just make you feel good and let you know that we’re diggin what you’re doin’.
11. Things we said we wouldn’t get obsessed with but did anyway
Begins with: I didn’t think I had anything to say either, but give Twitter a week and you’ll be addicted trust me.
and continues on to discuss the things that you initially thought were pointless but after caving you have discovered you can’t get enough of: Candy Crush, Twitter, Amanda Bynes.
12. The literal vs. the metaphorical, except everything is the former
Begins with: Literally…
and continues on to discuss something that we really want you to understand how much we are not kidding about so we will repeat literally so you know we are not exaggerating although it sounds crazy enough to think that we are. We are not. Literally.
13. Future weddings and children even if they don’t necessarily know if they want that
Begins with: Yeah, well, if I ever get married I will NOT do that.
and continues on to discuss the flaws in modern society, Kimye’s baby name, tacky wedding traditions, what we want the shape and cut of our dress to look like, who our bridesmaids would be and occasionally who we would marry.
14. Our attractive new flings
Begins with: Wait let me find a better photo.
and continues on to discuss their hobbies, accomplishments and what we’ve done together whilst flipping through Facebook photos and narrating what he/she is doing and who he/she is with in each one.
15. Being serious
Begins with: I am literally not even joking right now.
and continues on to discuss how we are somehow always under the assumption that people will not take us seriously so we need to really define what is a joke from what is not and this. is. not. even. a. joke.
16. Ridiculous things that could warrant judgment
Begins with: Don’t judge me but…
and continues on to discuss the crazy thing that we really want to tell you about but we’re a bit worried that you’ll be judging us in your mind and your facial expressions aren’t really indicating whether or not you are so to let you know we think this could possibly be judge-worthy we added the disclaimer.
17. Directions from the greater universe
Begins with: I’m sorry there is no way that is just coincidence. It’s a sign.
and continues onto discuss how the person that sat next to you on the train was wearing a red t-shirt and that’s the color and style of the shirt he was wearing when you first met him and these things don’t just happen so it obviously means something.
18. Hair lengths
Begins with: It just needs to get a little longer.
and continues on to how we just really wanted to cut it and we liked it at first! But then we missed our long hair and it was difficult to put into a messy bun so it’s really impractical.
19. Clothing as it pertains to the weather
Begins with: I’m so excited to wear layers again/I’m so excited to wear sundresses and sandals again.
and continues on to discuss how said clothing items are more flattering than another season’s.
20. The pros and cons of buying something
Begins with: Yeah but when would I even wear it?
and continues on to list reasons that we really deserve this shirt and don’t care that we’re spending the money because we are strong independent women who earned it and deserve it and we can do whatever we want with it. And not to mention, it’s on sale, and we’ve been looking for something like this for-like-ever and it’s a staple! So it’s really worth investing in… Right?
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