10 Things You Actually Learn In College
1. How to bullshit, literally, anything. This can include, but is not limited to: term papers, tests, relationships, friendships, level of drunkenness, etc. College is a very magical time where you find yourself over-involved and not wanting to sacrifice any of your social life for it. It is at this time that you start to become a jedi-master-bullshitter.
2. That nothing before college actually counts much in the real world, except, like, felonies. I know you were really excited when you did something super cool in high school (lol, rhymes) but your resume is kind of wiped clean once you hit higher education standards. This idea does not apply to serious things like legal trouble. Note to high schoolers: do the right thing, then take it easy. Remember what will matter in a few years.
3. What dating in the real world is like. This is especially wonderful if you don’t have parents over your shoulder everyday. You can get to know someone without feeling uncomfortable about holding hands on your living room couch while your mom is in the kitchen. It’s really something.
4. How to cook Easy Mac and order solely off the dollar menu. We college aged-folk have a super special ability, and it’s one that will not last a lifetime: we are able to consume excessive calories with only minor consequences. Yeah, sure, the freshman 15 and everything, but give it 10 years and try to even glance at chicken wings. You’ll gain 2 pounds. That said, in desperation to fill that hungry hole in your heart, you will find ways to feed yourself the worst crap you can find for as cheap as possible.
5. That you’re essentially paying thousands of dollars to end up with a piece of paper and maybe a job that pays off your debt. Maybe. I don’t think anything else needs to be said about this. College seniors, you feel me?
6. Alternative energy sources: coffee, 5 hour energy drinks, etc. Bullshitting takes energy, people.
7. How (and why) you were an embarrassing know-it-all version of yourself in high school. It’s okay, we’ve all been there. Just un-tag the photos and no one will know.
8. All of the cheapest alcohols and where they don’t card to get into bars.
9. Why the “real world” isn’t all that fantastic, and why you were an idiot for thinking you wanted to get there faster. After this little college world you have to be a person who gets health insurance and functions in relationships (hopefully) and buys a home or rents an apartment and holds a steady job or doesn’t and just travels and pursues their passions. The point: regardless of what you choose to do, you have to actually do it when college is over.
10. The three B’s of being poor: bills, budgeting, bargaining. Pretty self-explanatory when you’re living off $30 per week.
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