Let’s face it, when it comes to speaking English, some accents are sexier than others. While everyone has their own preferences, and I’m sure a person’s gender and, of course, their nationality plays a part in their preferences, I’ve noticed some very consistent patterns when it comes to which accents do better in the game of lust…I mean love. This list is based on what I’ve been told, what I’ve seen, and a little bit of my own personal opinions from traveling and living overseas for the last six years. (I’ll be sure to let you know which is which.)

16. Asian Accents

While there is a hierarchy in terms of which ones sound better (Korea and Japan being at the top assuming the women don’t use their culturally acceptable baby talk voices), I would typically describe most Far East and South East Asian accents as sounding fast and choppy. Combine that with some cultures tendency to speak very loudly – and this is coming from an American – and you have a very losing combination in terms of using an accent to pick up. However, the better someone from Asia learns English the more all these things tend to go away.

15. Heavy Canadian Accents

Soree guys (that’s “Sorry” in English), heavy Canadian accents just aren’t a turn on. Lucky for them, the only people who can even hear them are Americans and other Canadians. Sadly though, Americans really don’t like them. As for the more typical Canadian accent, it pretty much sounds like Americans aboot 99% of the time except they have their own annoying idiosyncrasies. I guess people don’t really like that drawn out “o” sound, eh?

14. Valley Girl Accents

While this accent started in California, it has somehow worked its way all over the US and seems especially popular with Asian girls of every area code. It’s the most easily imitated American accent. In fact, ask just about anyone who speaks a little English to do their best impression of an American accent, and they’ll likely be able to say “Oh mah guad!” in flawless Valley Girl fashion. I just pray that’s not how people think we all sound. Separating this accent out from the typical American accent is probably a personal thing. However, the high pitch, drawn out words that go along with it grate on my nerves. Unfortunately, this seems to be the culturally acceptable way for American women to speak now when first meeting another girl or when they’re trying to sound super friendly. Sadly, it comes off as fake and is heavily mocked around the world. Stop doing this American women! You’re making us look bad.

13. Typical American Accents

Like I said, Canadian and America accents are pretty much the same, and we’re pretty much the only ones who can tell them apart. Even then, only sometimes. So, if a Canadian accent isn’t gonna get a person laid, an American one isn’t either. I personally blame it on the popularity of our movies and TV shows which have made the American accent ubiquitous and under appreciated. However, I do know more than a few foreigners who have complimented the American accent on it’s ability to make cursing sound awesome. I think we can all thank Samuel L. Jackson for that. And American guys do have one ace in the hole. We can always bust out Joey’s old line from Friends, “How you doing?” It’s a good mother-fucking icebreaker if nothing else.

12. Dutch Accents

Dutch speakers tend to speak English the way they speak their own language: a bit too much in the back of the throat which can make their English accent sound a little harsh and the women a bit husky. But hey, husky voices can be a real turn on for some people.

11. Northern English Accents

While I, like most Americans, couldn’t tell the difference between Lennox Lewis’ accent and Prince Williams’ for most of my life, I have now been around enough Brits to at least tell the difference between Northern and Southern accents. The give away is that Southern accents, aside from all the slang, is easy to understand and Northern accents aren’t. This is especially true in regards to men (I’m not really sure how I didn’t notice it before cause sometimes the difference in intelligibility between the two can be quite dramatic). Needless to say, having to ask someone to repeat themselves again and again isn’t anyone’s idea of sexy.

10. South African Accents

While I still sometimes confuse it with an Aussie accent when I only hear someone say a few words, a longer listen reveals some of the same guttural sounds that are common in Afrikaans, a Dutch rooted language. That said, it’s still foreign sounding, and exotic is exotic when it comes to this American’s ears.

• Just as a side note, I don’t know how well African men do overseas, but I’m often jealous of how deep their voices are. I gotta think that counts for something.

9. Scandinavian and German Accents

Honestly, the average Scandinavian and German I’ve met overseas has spoken English so well they sound like a native English speaker who just talks a little slower and mispronounce a few words more than normal. However, once a native English speaker finds out the exotic roots behind the slightly odd speech, that’s usually enough to give them an advantage. Combine that with a few cute screw ups of idioms and syntax and they can easily jump all the way up to extremely cute. My ex-girlfriend, who was German, used to say things like my couch was “incomfortable,” and “Do we go to dinner?” and I loved it.

8. Southern/Texan US Accents

This is the only regional American accent foreigners can easily hear, and it annoys me because Texan and Southern accents are so often confused, and they shouldn’t be. Texans sound stupid. However, the fact remains that other native English speakers who are not from North America typically can’t tell the difference between a Minnesota accent and one from Boston. The easy to hear Southern accent, however, is often called sexy by people from other countries. While I am southern, my accent only comes out when I’m around other Southerners. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen much while I’m overseas, so I haven’t gotten to test this out.

7. Scottish Accents

They are odd, they can be hard to understand, but Americans, at the very least, love them (likely because of Breaveheart) and that’s about all there is to it. I will say this is one where Scottish men likely do better than the ladies because the accent is a bit mannish. Still, a Scottish accent is cute and fun to listen to, at least the 70% of it that we can understand. That number goes down to 30% if they’ve been drinking.

6. Italian/ Spanish/ Brazilian Accents

I appreciate the way all the extra vowels can help smooth out the language and it for sure adds a bit of sexiness to English for me. However, I know the ladies like the additional vowels being added to the end of words all the time a lot more than me. I guess it sounds charming and romantic…I’m assuming all that extra and unnecessary tongue action doesn’t conjure up any other implications for them.

5. Southern English Accents

I have no doubt most American women would put this, along with the Northern English accent, near the top of the list and a lot of men, too. However, I’m a bit over it. Plus I can’t stand the way they’ve screwed up the language. After reading a book on the differences between American-English and English-English by Bill Bryson, I’ve discovered that many of the differences in words, and expressions between our two versions of English have resulted in Americans keeping the old way things were said during the time of colonization and the English changing what they say. Something about this discovery, and how proper (read pretentious) they sound all the time really annoys me. However, there is no denying that their accent carries a lot more pull around the world than does my own.

4. Russian Accents

This might be a guy thing, but women with Russian accents sound hot (I’ve not heard women say the same of men with Russian accents). I don’t know if it was growing up watching the Bareness on GI Joe cartoons or seeing countless Russian spies in Bond-like movies, but there is something serious, mysterious and even a little dangerous about the accent that all adds up to it being very, very sexy. Are they flirting with you or just trying to get information? Honestly, who cares?

3. Australian/New Zealand Accents

Sorry for grouping them together, but Aussie and Kiwis are pretty much the only ones who can tell each others’ accents apart. I don’t know if Aussies find Kiwi accents to be more attractive than their own or vise versa, but to the rest of us, they sound the same, and they sound very hot. Personally, I also like how freely they talk about thongs, too. (Thongs are flip-flops, you pervs). However, if I had to pick one above the other, I’d give it to the Kiwis because I like saying “Kiwi,” and they don’t use the C-word as much which can still be off putting to me even though I know it’s inoffensively used between friends in Australia. Anyway, both accents clean up anywhere they go in the English speaking world, so let’s all slow clap for that.

2. Irish Accents

They might be kind of a dark-horse, but I assure everyone that they are the most well-liked accent of all the native English accents, at least among other native English speakers. I know more than a few people who seem to instantly start trying to adopt the accent as soon as they get around an Irish person, myself included. (But hey, I’m a quarter Irish anyway). The accent isn’t the easiest to understand all the time, but they make everything sound cool and make people want to understand what they’re saying. I personally think they curse even better than Americans. I’m sure they’d like me to distinguish between Northern and Southern Irish accents, but I, like everyone else who isn’t from Ireland, can’t tell the difference.

1. French Accents

Their native language is arguably the sexist in the world, so I guess it makes sense they’d bring that sexiness to any other language they speak. It’s soft; it’s sweet; it flows effortlessly and seamlessly and with the sole exception of the way they say the word vegetable (they say the second e as if it were its own syllable: veg-e-tables), there is nothing I would change about it and most English speakers feel the same way. I can honestly say that if I’m going after the same girl as a French guy, I don’t like my chances.