February 10, 2013

What Goes Through My Mind Every Time I Go To The Gym

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OK…here we are. Ready to exercise. Gymming it up! Really gonna go after it today. No more half-assing it on the stationary bike and reading old People magazines. NO! Today we get serious. But first, a little stretching. GOTTA STRETCH. Oh yeah, that’s nice. Real loose. Don’t want to get hurt, because this workout is gonna be PSYCHO. Whew, that feels good! I swear, if stretching before a workout was an Olympic sport, I’d totally get the Gold Medal. OK, Bronze. OK, no medal, but I’d be good at watching it on TV. Hmmm. I’m kinda thirsty. Water break!…

The question is…on which machine do I start my fitness revolution? That elliptical over there is free, but… it’s close to the window. Probably pretty drafty. Don’t wanna get sick. Then there’s the treadmill in the corner, but I saw a guy fall on it once, mighta messed up the alignment. Better steer clear. Once you’re known as Fall Off The Treadmill Guy you might as well just switch gyms. You know what? I better take a little stroll around the place to assess my options. Five or six laps, probably, just to be safe…right after I have a little more water….

Ooooh, the room with all the weights. I’d really like to go in the room with all the weights. That seems to be where the real work gets done. But it’s terrifying in there. All the men are gigantic, and I’m sure the second I walk in someone will ask me to spot them, and I don’t really get what that means, so then he’ll probably end up dead. And there’s a disproportionate amount of grunting. OH! Open treadmill! Run! THANK GOD I STRETCHED!…

Alright, here we are, having a nice little jog. Feels pretty good actually. This is nice. A little heat in my legs, a little sweat on my forehead. Whew! Look at me go. Why don’t we turn up the speed here a little and….HOLY SHIT IS THAT FAST! 4.5 miles per hour?! What? I instantly feel like I’m going to die. How do you know your lung has collapsed? Does it make a sound, or does it just hurt terribly? Because I’m pretty sure I just heard a sound…

Really? I’m at the only machine with a broken television? How does this happen every time?! Let’s see what the guy next to me is watching…golf?! GOLF?! The only show that’s more awful than just working out?! Whatever. Go ahead, dude, give me that look that says “don’t watch over my shoulder.” I don’t care. The distraction of that TV is the only thing that’s keeping me alive right now…

Hmmm…it says I’ve burned 23 calories. That’s pretty good, right? So when is the absolute soonest I can eat a Snickers ice cream bar?

Why is everyone here so attractive? Aren’t we supposed to be working out? My face looks like a watermelon that’s about to explode, and my t-shirt now holds more liquid than a Great Lake. Meanwhile that chick over there looks spectacular. Honestly, I don’t dress that nice to go out on a date! Not sure who that says more about, me or her. Oh God, and she’s wearing makeup. Who puts on makeup to go to the gym? Is there a red carpet portion of the evening I’m not aware of? Aaaaaaand I’m pretty sure I just tore my achilles…

11 minutes?!?! You’re telling me I’ve only been on this devil machine for 11 MINUTES? I swear to god, I will kill you, treadmill computer. I will break in here in the middle of the night and stab you in your guts, and the world will applaud me for doing it. OH! I still have some water left!…

Oh no, the guy that smells is walking over. I hate you, Guy That Smells. There must be some way to handle this. I should tell him. I mean, I’d want to know if I smelled so bad that people couldn’t stand within five feet of me. Look! Even that nice old man he walked past knows he stinks. He wincing! That’s clearly a “you stink” wince! And that guy’s really old. He musta smelled a lot of really bad stuff in his day. OK. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna be the one that fixes this. When Guy That Smells walks by, I’m gonna motion him over, very polite, and quietly suggest he give his gym clothes a wash. Look at me. Making changes, fixing lives. Children will learn of me one day in their textbooks as The Great Ambassador! Here he comes, I’ll just give a little wave and– OH GOD! It smells SO AWFUL. Retreat! He got too close! It’s burning. My nose is burning! Stop waving, he’ll walk away. STOP WAVING!!!…

Alright, we get it, 65 year-old vixen. You’re in very good shape. But please, I’m begging you. Buy looser pants…She’s running faster than me, isn’t she? Yep, she is. I’m officially in worse shape than a Golden Girl…

Now look, we set this treadmill for 40 minutes, so we’re staying on the damn thing for 40 minutes. There is no way we are ending this workout a minute under—OOPS. I hit cool down. I accidentally hit the cool down button! Now we’re just at walking speed. I mean, I could crank it up again, but I’m out of a water, which is a serious medical concern. So…good work. Done for the day. At least I don’t have to be this miserable again for another…24 hours! Sigh. TC mark