You’re getting hangovers now!!! You used to be able to eat twenty, thirty butter cookies in one night. They could be covered with cinnamon, frosting, even those hard silver balls that are basically just BB’s with a dusting of sugar. Then you’d wake up the next morning, have brunch with the elves, and totally go shopping. But you just can’t do it anymore. All it takes nowadays is two cookies and a gingerbread man to get you sloppy, and then all you want to do the next morning is roll up in your red coat and watch Bravo. #RHOBH!
You totally identify with your barista and know how she feels! Which is why you let her give your beard an extra long squeeze. Why do people always want to play with your beard?!
You’re tired of every random girl sitting on your lap! When you were in Santa college, it was totally cool to have a new girl sitting on your lap every night. Sometimes they asked for toys you couldn’t give ‘em, but what did you care? You weren’t gonna remember their name the next morning anyway, so it’s not like you would’ve known where to deliver that Ferragamo purse to begin with!! You’re older now and realize a real connection has its benefits. So what if all Mrs. Claus wants to do is sit around and play Catchphrase. You’re a grown-up now, and NIGHTS IN are what it’s all about!
It’s OK to Be Alone! Five years ago you’d do anything to make life feel like a party. Date one of the perfume girls at the mall? Absolutely! Invite the reindeer over for an all-night adderall binge? You know it! But now you find yourself cancelling plans to just stay in and have a you night. Santa Claus is coming to town and he’s gonna take an Ambien and go to bed!!!
You Actually Like Hanging Out with Your Parents: Too bad you’re a mystical creature and your parents died 10,000 years ago, because you finally appreciate all they did for you, and how they’re actually pretty cool people. THANKS M&D!
You’re Finally Getting Rid of Your Toxic Friends!: You’re too old to waste time with people who add no value to your life!!! All the Easter Bunny wants to do is go clubbing and use you to help hit on chicks. (P.S. I don’t think it’s working! I’m 400 lbs and smell like cocoa!! Not the best wing man!!) But when you really need him he’s nowhere to be found. And look, Tooth Fairy, if you’re such a good friend, then why have you shown up on my naughty list six years in a row?! Oh, and sorry random pal from high school, I’ve got too many toys to make to have lunch with your random ass!! Can’t we just tell each other “we’re in really good place” on email?!?!
You Realize Your Gay Phase Really Was Just a Phase: Sorry, Frosty. But I’m just not that into playing with your snowman.
You Understand That Everybody Facebook Stalks: It’s OK if you’re up at 2AM trying to figure out if your enemy from high school is really dating that girl who looks like Topanga. WE ALL DO IT!! Just don’t “like” any of their pictures, because you’re totally gonna regret that tomorrow. And don’t even think of sending a text!!! Your fingers are too big and end up mashing all the wrong keys anyway.
Life Doesn’t Have a Manual!: When you were young you thought you’d have all of your Santa shit figured out by now. But hey, there’s always next Christmas. For now, just keep focusing on the reindeer butts in front of you and moving forward. You make a lot of kids HAPPY, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. As long as you can keep sliding down those chimneys, everything will work out. Because hey, you’re friggin’ SANTA CLAUS!