Women want hot sex. Men want hot sex.
There’s a way we can work this out, and keeping these 25 tips in mind will help you sexy things to light up our nights. (We promise to give it back in return.)
1. We’re as happy to be there as you are.
We’ve had some bad PR in the past that’s convinced men we don’t like sex, don’t like to talk about it, don’t look forward to it, and get disappointed when a planned seduction goes south. It’s all lies.
Just as you’ve wanted to see us naked, feel our flesh, kiss us all over and do all the delicious things two people can do in the dark, so have we.
2. Do unto us as you would have us do unto you.
All the things you want from us (grooming, nice underwear, oral sex, attention to details), do those for us, too. Please.
3. Foreplay isn’t a speed competition.
While we’re hoping you don’t ever go straight for the main event (ugh, the worst), we also don’t need you to attack our nether regions with so much fervor and gusto that we fear a rug burn. Also, smashing our clitoris like you would an elevator button while running late isn’t pleasant for us.
4. Don’t whisper.
Like, ever. It’s so creepy. No, really, it makes us very uncomfortable.
5. Please. Go. Much. Slower.
6. Say something.
No one is asking you to recite a monologue here; it could be a moan here and there, or even a “You feel incredible” now and then. Just make noise, because silent sex is so freaky that we can’t concentrate.
7. Give a lady fair warning.
If there’s something unusual (such as a very odd shape, multiple colors, or an unusual ailment), it might be alarming. Give her a chance to prepare.
It’s unfair to put your partner in a position that will make her uncomfortable just because you’re afraid to mention it. A worthy partner will be supportive and understanding.
8. Remember that this isn’t a porn movie.
We might love your filthy mouth and a few rough moves, but we also may not. Let’s get to know each other’s likes and dislikes before you start re-creating your favorite RedTube.com flick.
9. Make an effort.
If you’re going to invite a woman back to your place, clean your apartment. Have a bottle of wine. Put on a playlist. Wash your sheets. Wipe down your bathroom. Serving Tecate with lime juice from that plastic green bottle in fluorescent lighting will likely not work to seduce her (yes, this happened).
10. Don’t pout about wearing a condom.
It’s not only pathetic, it shows you don’t have much respect for anyone’s health — yours or ours. If you want to have unprotected sex, get tested and prepare to be monogamous and then we can talk.
11. Speak like a man.
There are things you were told in high school and your fraternity about things that work with women that shouldn’t be referenced in the adult world. Using the terminology you used back then (i.e. The Shocker) won’t win you points.
12. Don’t be a douchebag.
Logging onto Tinder while still we’re at your apartment is such bad form.
13. Stop with the d*ck pics.
It doesn’t impress us or turn us on. In fact, we get so freaked out by the cell block mentality it took to send it, that we send it to all of our friends … with your full name.
14. Pay attention to our responses to what you’re doing.
Some women prefer something along the lines of licking a spoon that has hot sauce, while others want a melting-ice-cream-cone approach. We think a little of both will work out well.
15. If you can’t cuddle, don’t come over.
Yes, in all senses of the word.
16. Freshen up.
A little cologne, breath mints, a bit of grooming, and a little lotion on the hands pre-date will go a long way.
17. Take off your socks, already.
Stay awhile, jeez.
18. Don’t try to sneak in through the back entrance.
We’re pretty sure you want anal sex. We’ll let you know if we do.
19. Stop with that tongue-in-ear thing.
You did it while making out at 17, but don’t do it anymore.
20. We want to move, but this isn’t cirque du soleil.
There’s a balance to be found in moving through positions. One is going to get old, five is exhausting. Try three the first time; you know which ones they are.
21. Pay attention to lighting.
Fluorescent overhead lights don’t exactly enhance the mood and no woman feels sexy with that brightness overhead. Your lighting choices can impact your night.
Note: Candlelight and amber lighting are the most flattering to everyone.
22. Be courteous.
Offer a glass of water. Walk her to her car, or hail her a cab, or take her to brunch if you’re up for it. Even if you never plan to see her again, it takes very little effort to close it out with class.
23. Don’t sleep with your friends.
You know better.
24. Man up.
If you’re not interested in continuing to see someone or are only looking for fun, let them know very clearly. The bait-and-ghost approach to sex makes you look like a common cliché.
25. We like round two.
So don’t fall asleep so damn fast.