Confidentiality Agreement For First Dates
It is understood and agreed to that the Discloser (________________) and the Date (________________) would like to exchange certain information that may be considered confidential. To ensure the protection of such information and in consideration of the agreement to exchange said information, the parties agree as follows:
1. The confidential information to be disclosed by Discloser under this Agreement (“Confidential Information”) can be described as and includes:
Excessive mumbling (“Getting Stuck In A Mumblehole”).
Inability to offer full compensation for expenses incurred while at Venue (“Shame Cave”).
Unexpectedly rapid, unqualified departure (“Bailing”) from Shame Cave, in the event of social discomfort and/or gastrointestinal issues.
Wearing sunglasses during entire duration of First Date
Rapid-fire overqualification of statements which Discloser neurotically feels is offensive to Date, overqualification of overqualification, apologizing for overqualifying the overqualifying, apologizing for apologizing for overqualifying the overqualifying (“Going Woody Allen”).
Information revealed to Date in last-ditch efforts to keep the conversation from veering into periods of silence punctuated by minimal eye contact, awkward laughter, and frequent checking of phones (“Keeping Date Above Water”).
Inebriated behavior characterized by problems Keeping Date Above Water, pronouncing words, unseemly displays of enthusiasm, inappropriate sexual remarks, chugging, yelling, fighting, getting kicked out of Shame Cave, groping, vomiting, passing out on the sidewalk in front of Shame Cave, almost getting hit by a car, unintentional urination, crying, weeping, trying to follow Date home, repeated texts between 2 and 9 a.m., dick pics.
2. Date shall use the Confidential Information only for the purpose of evaluating sexual potential (“Fuckability”) and relationship potential (“Yeah Right. Like I Deserve To Be Liked By Anyone. You Want A Relationship With Me? You’re Lying. I’m Miserable. Save Me”) of Discloser.
3. Date shall limit disclosure of Confidential Information within its own organization to its friends having a need to know (“No One”). Date shall not disclose Confidential Information to any third-party (whether an individual, corporation, or other entity) without the prior written consent of Discloser.
4. If there is a breach or threatened breach of any provision of this Agreement, it is agreed and understood that Discloser will feel very ashamed and very embarrassed and loathe himself even more than he does now, which is like, a lot, he can barely even make it to this date because even he can hardly take himself seriously anymore, oh how uncontrollably manipulative and validation-needy he is, he knows all his own tricks, oh, he knows them, and he’ll die if you call him out for them because they’re supposed to be secret and they’re supposed to work on you and they’re supposed to produce the kind of validation that he so desires — which, by way of needing this specific type of validation, makes him an incalculably pathetic individual, he knows, oh, he knows — and if you call him out on that he’ll be found out, he’ll be exposed for the fraud he really knows he is, and he won’t be able to live with that, not really, well, he will, because he’s too much of a pussy to kill himself and too much of a pussy to change so it’ll just be another notch on his self-defeatist, bad Date belt, so we guess, to sum that one up for you, if there is a breach or threatened breach of any provision of this Agreement, die in a fire?
5. This Agreement states the entire agreement between the parties concerning the disclosure of Confidential Information and supersedes any prior messages on OkCupid, understandings between mutual friends, or representations with respect thereto. Any addition or modification to this Agreement must be made in writing and signed by authorized representatives of both parties. This Agreement is made under and shall be construed according to the laws of the State of New York, U.S.A.
6. If any of the provisions of this Agreement are found to be unenforceable, the remainder shall be enforced as fully as possible and the unenforceable provision(s) shall be deemed modified to the limited extent required to permit enforcement of the Agreement as a whole.
WHEREFORE, the parties acknowledge that they have read and understand this agreement and voluntarily accept the duties and obligations set forth herein.
Recipient of Confidential Information: ________________
City, State, & Zip: ________________
Discloser of Confidential Information: ________________
City, State, & Zip: ________________
A | A | A
It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.