May 25, 2012

What Your Favorite Game Of Thrones Character Says About You, Part 1

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What is the issue?
As the kings and queens of Game of Thrones hurtle closer to all-out war, the show’s producers continue to frustrate their audience by NEVER SHOWING THE DRAGONS ENOUGH, and everyone watches in a state of annoyance at the fact that we’re well into the second season and we still don’t know any of the character’s names because they’re so freaking complicated (I can’t be the only one with this problem), the show and its creators are starting to pick up a massive pop following. Here are my suggestions about what your favorite Game of Thrones character might say about who you are.

Tyrion Lannister

If your favorite Game of Thrones character is Tyrion Lannister, you’re a nice guy with a twist. You have a job at a small start-up, at which you’re valued for your insights and savviness. Thing is, you’re plotting for a promotion, and it does involve screwing over some of your closest co-workers. But oh well — that’s life. Can’t get to the top of the dogpile without stepping on some bodies on the way. But all that’s just business. When you get home at the end of the day, you’ve got a kind, maternal girlfriend waiting for you, who you very much appreciate. Well, you’ve cheated on her a few times, and curiously, you detect not a hint of remorse about it, but you do appreciate her. You really do.

Joffrey Baratheon

If your favorite Game of Thrones character is Joffrey Baratheon, f-ck you. You’re f-cked up. If you like Joffrey, who’s basically King’s Landing’s version of Patrick Bateman, you liked torturing small animals as a little kid and now spend your monotonous days at your crappy data-entry job trolling SomethingAwful forums and leaving extremely racist/ sexist comments in the comment sections of YouTube videos. Your favorite book is Blood Meridian, you’re obsessed with Tyler the Creator, and you own Takashi Miike’s entire filmography. You likely live in a fully-carpeted ground level apartment with a roommate who you despise for being relatively well-adjusted and with whom the only contact you make is when you leave your poorly-lit dungeon of a room to restart your wireless router so your torture porn video can start loading again. You freak.

Daenerys Targaryen

If the mother of dragons, Daenerys Targaryen, is your favorite Game of Thrones character, you grew up a spoiled brat and continue to suffer from ‘the world revolves around me’ syndrome as an adult. You’re likely a server at a place like The Old Spagetti Factory or Olive Garden or Marie Calender’s who flips out on the line chefs when they put the wrong dressing on a side salad order. “RAWWR!” you say to them. “I AM THE TEAM LEADER HERE! HOW DARE YOU CROSS ME. WHEN I AM HEAD SERVER OF THIS ESTABLISHMENT, IT IS YOU WHO SHALL BE THE FIRST TO GO! SIRS!” You then proceed to text your friend, who you’ve viciously kept in the friend zone for THREE YEARS, “dude these people don’t appreciate me here. can you pick me up from work after my shift is over? and drive me to the grocery store? and then can you take me to the bank, and then the laundromat after that? pretty please?” Your friend texts back, “of course ;).”

Theon Greyjoy

If your favorite character on Game of Thrones is Theon “Benedict Arnold” Greyjoy, I don’t like you anymore. I used to like you, but then you got promoted to Head of Accounts (no salary increase — I know, I have inside information) and became a total dick. I mean, why’d you email our boss telling him I actually wasn’t sick the other day when I took the day off? What the hell, man? What is wrong with you? You know they “promoted” you so you’d stop whining about how you’re “underappreciated” and “never getting the respect you deserve.” I used to like you, dude. I used to think you were a good person, but now I’m not so sure. What gives? (Oh, and your taste in women is super weird, promotion or not.)

Jon Snow

If Jon Snow is your favorite Game of Thrones character, you and I should be friends. We can watch Game of Thrones together, loving Jon Snow every minute of it. I’ll enjoy your company because you’re shy (but not cripplingly so), opinionated (but only offer your opinions when asked), stoic (but able to laugh at yourself) and, a hot girl. Yes, you’re a hot girl. I hope. If we’re watching Game of Thrones together, I mean.

Samwell Tarly

If your favorite Game of Thrones character is Samwell Tarly, everyone thinks you’re basically adorable, but the problem, for you, is that you’re not getting laid. “Everyone thinks I’m ‘cute,’” you tell your best friend, who is, somewhat unfortunately, much better-looking than you (but who you don’t resent, because you’re a genuinely good person). “But no one wants to f-ck. I can’t get anybody in bed with me.” Not to worry, Samwell Tarly fan — I have a feeling that your time shall come. One day you will find a lover to hold you. Just — I have some advice. Think about dieting. And exercise. And eating less. And limiting your ‘grazing.’ And taking up a sport activity? And less beer. Also, the dentist. You need your teeth cleaned. Friendly advice.

Khal Drogo

If Khal Drogo, the late Dothraki warlord, reformed rapist, and lover of albino khaleesis is your favorite Game of Thrones character, you are a member of Hell’s Angels and I do not want to hang out with you. I don’t like giant people who will kill you. You most likely harbor a resentment for all forms of art except for ‘action-packed’ blockbusters and are often found at the club, because that’s your job. You’re a bouncer. You especially harbor an affinity for The Rock and Vin Diesel flicks, and on your days off you terrorize sidestreets on your ear-splitting Harley Davidson. Not cool, Khal Drogo fan. (Please don’t hurt me.)

Viserys Targaryen

If your favorite character on Game of Thrones is Viserys Targaryen, your favorite character on Game of Thrones is Joffrey Baratheon. Asshole.

Cersei Baratheon

Well, if your favorite Game of Thrones character is Cersei Baratheon, you’re obviously a soccer mom. Driving your kids, in your minivan, to practice, you tailgate cars ahead of you, begin flashing your brights and honking your horn when someone in the left lane fails immediately to switch lanes to allow you to pass, and are a frequent user of ‘the middle finger.’ At work you hold a position of relative power — CFO, Director of Marketing, Vice President — and you’ve worked your ass off to get there (and you aren’t afraid to let everyone know it). Recently divorced, your love life is actually pretty f-cked up; you’re beginning to spend way too much time in the Craigslist personals section and your kids are starting to ask questions about “Mommy’s sleepovers.”

Brienne of Tarth

If your favorite Game of Thrones character is Brienne of Tarth, you’re a dependable, hard-working friend who everyone can count on. Fiercely dedicated to those closest to you, you’ll beat anyone down who crosses them. F-ck everyone, you love your friends and family and that’s it. Your favorite music is Norwegian death metal and in your free time you’re into running marathons and general badassery. You work in construction and whether male or female, all your friends consider you “one of the boys.” Your only weakness is your inability to let go and have fun, which limits your participation in activities such as pub crawls, karaoke, dancing, and recreational drug use.

Robb Stark

If your favorite Game of Thrones character is the Lord of Winterfell, Robb Stark, you’re a pretty cool dude who’s loyal to his friends and believes that people “get what’s coming to them.” You start your day off by reading your Google Reader — all news websites — and at work are seen as an all-around nice guy. If you’re into Robb Stark, you’re most likely a social crusader; you believe in equality for all. At the same time, you never fail to face tough decisions and move forward with your agenda. You want what you want and no one’s going to stop you from trying to get it.

Lord Eddard “Ned” Stark

If Ned Stark is your favorite character on Game of Thrones, you’re likely a capable person with a lot of responsibility. You’re sort of tired of life, but you’re also convinced that life is meaningful — that responsibility, loyalty, and family are important. A meat-and-potatoes kind of person, you get more excited by saving money and living as minimally as possible than you do shopping and buying the latest new device. You have a group of friends who have mad respect for you, yo, and you hope to one day start a family. One word of advice, though: watch your back. There may be a Judas.

Pyat Pree

If your favorite Game of Thrones character is Pyat Pree, you sodomize dead people. Please get away from me. TC mark

Get your #GoT fix before this week’s episode with our Thought Catalog Book here.

GameofThrones_Final

image – Game of Thrones
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