Speculations About Celebrities I Only Know About Via Cultural Osmosis
Ke$ha: African-American pop singer with typical pop sound whose hair is pink and shaved in some places. Wears lots of spandex or tight-fitting leather clothing. Either raps or sings R&B style; rides a motorcycle or uses a motorcycle as part of her gimmick.
Michael Fassbender: Shows his penis in Shame, has something to do with an X-Men that was recently released. Maybe rode a motorcycle in the X-Men thing.
Kat Dennings: Have images of this person wearing a waitress uniform similar to those featured in Roseanne on the set of Two Broke Girls; strong suspicions that the character she plays in Two Broke Girls is insufferable, poorly written, lowest common denominator.
Rihanna: Distinguishable in my mind from Ke$ha because of domestic abuse scandal with Chris Brown; rides a motorcycle or uses motorcycles as a gimmick, somehow. Career based mostly on singing or rapping in club anthems; maybe associated with DMX.
Chris Brown: Beat Rihanna yet somehow continues to be revered; also rides a motorcycle or uses a motorcycle as a gimmick. Maybe has had something to do with dog fights. Maybe associated with DMX.
Michael Vick: Organized dog fights, plays basketball or football; probably rides a motorcycle.
The Kardashians: Women who are for no discernible reason famous; envision their television show is just them eating dinner and yelling at each other. Television show features occasional ‘melt downs.’ Kim Kardashian, the most famous of the Kardashians, looks either better or worse with her make-up off; she once made a disappointing sex tape with a professional athlete. One of the Kardashians is married to a former professional figure skater, or runner, or something, whose name might be Bruce Jenner.
Ann Coulter: Wrote a book about vampires and/ or is a very controversial, neoconservative writer who has her work placed in unknown venues that everyone but me seems to be aware of. Gawker hates her. Maybe wrote love stories, but definitely writes heinous stuff about, maybe, abortion and gay rights. Motorcycle use is quite possible although I’m unsure if that’s a publicized fact or not.
Bradley Cooper: Acted in The Hangover, seems douchey. Spoke French on television once.
True Blood/ Twilight/ Vampire Diaries/ (???): All about vampires, directed toward teens. All based off the same book, or something. All TV shows.
Tim Tebow: Tight end or quarterback for a NFL team that performs a lame or ‘move’ at seemingly random times during football games (in one of the only clips I’ve seen of him he’s doing it on the sidelines). Unable to discern why people care about his ‘move’ at all. Is Christian.
Nicki Minaj: Seems like she is Ke$ha. Definitely associates with motorcycles, maybe with DMX.
Tila Tequila: Seems like she is Ke$ha + Lil’ Kim, associates with Insane Clown Posse somehow, maybe associates with motorcycles. Possibly Mexican re: her name. Small in stature, raps or sings about sexually revealing topics.
Drake: A rapper who gets made fun of a lot. Maybe raps in club anthems.
Skrillex: Makes dubstep or dirty rap, maybe associates with Justin Beiber. No idea what race he is.
Deadmau5: An indie band similar to Arcade Fire and Modest Mouse.
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Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.