What You Tell Yourself You’re Going To Do On Sunday Vs. What You Actually Do On Sunday
What you tell yourself: I am going to get up at 9 a.m!
What you do: You wake up around 9 a.m. and feel way too hungover to get out of bed. You pull your laptop into the bed and fall back asleep while clicking through YouTube videos.
What you tell yourself: I am going to do the laundry!
What you do: It’s sunny outside! You can’t stay inside when it’s sunny outside. All responsibilities requiring you to be inside are automatically canceled.
What you tell yourself: I am going to put in a good two hours on the creative project that will be really awesome once finished!
What you do: You cover yourself in blankets and lie on the couch. You slowly eat a small bowl of cereal with a cup of coffee. You open the project on your laptop. You open Gmail and Facebook. You chat on Facebook for a long time while looking through blogs and more YouTube.
What you tell yourself: I am going to do the dishes!
What you do: You look at the dishes. There is just no way that you are doing the dishes today.
What you tell yourself: I am going to study all day for my exam next week, so I’ll finally be ahead of the game in at least one of my classes!
What you do: You go to brunch. You realize by 3pm, after a few bloody marys, that the option of studying is completely off the table. You use this as justification to go ahead and get totally drunk.
What you tell yourself: I am going to shower, pick up around the apartment, and eat a healthy breakfast!
What you do: After waking up, you walk to the kitchen in your underwear and chug an inordinate amount of orange juice. You stand, motionless, staring out the kitchen window for an unreasonable amount of time, making deep morning sighs, squinting, and sometimes scratching yourself. You pace around the apartment idly, without purpose. You turn the radio on.
What you tell yourself: I am going to help my friend move into her new apartment!
What you do: On the way there it suddenly occurs to you that a long walk to the park would be much, much nicer than lifting heavy stuff for a long time. You start toward the park but realize that you’d be a total dirtbag if you ditched out on helping your friend move. You help your friend move.
What you tell yourself: I am going to look into internships or potential freelance side-projects I can work on to further my career and ultimately enhance my quality of life!
What you do: You get stuck in Craigslist Missed Connections, then decide to watch episodes of South Park.
What you tell yourself: I am going to read a book that will make me more knowledgeable and a better person!
What you do: You stop reading the book after five pages or so because it’s really boring. You take your search for texts that will make you more knowledgeable and a better person to the internet. It does not go well from here.
What you tell yourself: I am going to have a good, energetic day!
What you do: You have a good, lazy day.
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1. Head When a guy puts his hand on your head, he’s probably too shy to make any contact, because you two are not exactly chums.
I can still feel the grief like molten lead in my gut. The absurdity, the formality, and the often uncanny casualness of it all, needs to be remarked upon, to be experienced.
Excuse me. Which way are the dressing rooms? This has to be one of my least favorite questions I get the pleasure of asking at least twice a month.
Us males are a clueless, relatively embarrassing gender–particularly when it comes to interpreting female actions. Here are some trends–some recent, some timeless–that even the most competent male has a tough time figuring out: