My Relationship Resume
Brandon Scott Gorrell
1110 E. John St. Apt B
Seattle, WA 98102
To find a position in a heterosexual relationship where my personality, behavioral traits and specific skill set will coalesce with the opposite party’s in such a way as to bring a completely sustainable, resilient sense of existential satisfaction to both parties involved. In these regards, I hope to use my consistent record of deliberate use of rational problem solving, ease with (and preference of) total honesty and sincere desire to make the person I love happy.
Rational • Not Ugly • Emotionally Expressive • Not Insane • Logical • Somewhat Chivalrous • Well-Adjusted • Promising Career • Appropriately Well-read • Authentic • Keeps His Shit Together • Healthy • Healthy Social Life • Honest • Minimal Participation In TV/ Mass-Market Culture • Smart • Somewhat Endearing, Sometimes • Self-Aware • Socially Aware
Smart Girl In An Almost Constant Struggle With Individualism, The Future, And Other Existential Worries, June 2008 – Present (part-time for first two years, full-time for past year)
- Successfully overcame major commitment issues and multiple (First World) existential/ identity crises to eventually commit myself to the relationship in a manner that had been unprecedented in the organization, at that time.
- Achieved positive, steady growth rate of domesticity, understanding, authenticity, and emotional awareness.
- Amicably humored partner when it expressed desires to indulge in whimsical tradition. Sincerely and successfully attempted to understand and assimilate the meaning/ magic/ pathos of such rituals.
- Sincerely tried to help partner understand and assimilate a more functional view of herself and the world. Included hours-long, emotionally difficult conversations, forays into therapy, silently bearing my own existential worries that ironically came to exist as the result of learning of partner’s own problems and the recognition of irreconcilable differences while maintaining the resolve that those differences were not significant enough to affect the meaning that fueled my love for partner.
- Refined communicative strategies such that a very high, realistic level of honesty was acceptable and called-for, logical decision making increasingly moved to the forefront of organizational problem solving methods and emotional woes were increasingly responded to with understanding and emotional awareness.
Independent Contractor, May 2007 – August 2010 (with June 2008 – August 2010 in part-time position listed above)
- Attempted to understand at a deep level my identity and outward-facing persona while traveling Southeast Asia alone for two months.
- Assumed Romantic Traveling Companion position (~2 weeks) with British sole proprietorship (SP) in Laos and Northern Thailand. Made day-long, dangerous emergency trip through mountainous terrain on a small motorbike carrying SP and its gigantic backpack to a city in which the partner had a departing flight, but could not have made it (were it not for emergency trip) because all busses that day to said city were fully-booked.
- Used Craigslist rideshare to make lone, month-long travel from Seattle to Oaxaca, Mexico. Spent two months in Mexico and Guatemala. Dedicated many resources to understanding my identity, goals, outward-facing persona, what I wanted out of a relationship, people, females, writing and happiness.
- Assumed Romantic Traveling Companion position (~1 month) with American LLC in Guatemala, providing honest friendship, support and occasional comic relief. Successfully navigated difficulties of sometimes being and sometimes creating a third wheel. (Maintain loose friendship agreement with LLC to this day.)
- Accepted 2-month dating status with Seattle firm, 1-month Sexual Interest position with an unrelated Seattle company, and three 2-3 month Sexual Interest positions with companies based out of the East Coast, all terminated as they were deemed to be not the right fit after working with them in an IRL context.
- Successfully achieved hipsterdom, explored its vacuousness via excessive drinking and cigarette smoking, repeated practice of being highly judgmental, elitist feelings, and the ultimate catharsis/ depression associated with the realization that such a position was in essence an extremely inauthentic modus operandi and required immediate modification and reworking of personal beliefs on significance, importance, identity, connectedness and what it means to be genuine.
Idyllic Foreign Girl With Precarious Emotional States And Inscrutable Ways Of Showing Affection, November 2005 – May 2007
Boyfriend/ Conflict Mitigator
- Understood at an almost-innate level what it felt like to fall cinematic-style in love i.e. why those movies exist, including consistent experiences of euphoria, disbelief, confusion, dream-like states, wonder and happiness. Gained subsequent understanding of reality’s cold truths, the impermanence of fantastic constructs, and what happens after the vacation period.
- Let myself cry on a number of occasions in presence of partner (previously unprecedented).
- Orchestrated month-long surprise visit to partner’s country of residence.
- Made sincere attempts at integrating with partner’s group of friends and family.
- Endured what seemed like an almost constant barrage of conflict for extended periods of time.
- Completed one year of long-distance relationship (entire duration of time that the relationship was long-distance) in a faithful manner.
Independent Contractor, September 2005 – November 2005
- Accepted various Sexual Interest positions with a number of international organizations whilst studying in The Netherlands.
- Experience surveying, recognizing Signs, Hitting On, Subtle Hitting On, Making Eyes, Bagging.
Please do not hesitate to inquire about experience before September 2005.
EDUCATION & TRAINING
Bachelor of Science, Psychology, May 2006, University of Utah, Salt Lake City, Utah.
SKILLS & INTERESTS
- The internet, emotional music, coffee, the sun, literature, big budget epic sci-fi and fantasy, 70s – 90s epic sci-fi and fantasy, alcohol, organic food, vegetarianism, environmentalism, thrift, quiet, farming, cleanliness, friends, the blogosphere, social smoking, frisbee, parks, Seinfeld, PBS, eating outdoors, nature.
- Proficient in rational discussion, meaningful sex and clear exchange of ideas.
- Other skills include: canning, significant knowledge of food processing methods, cooking, cleaning, intermediate written/verbal fluency in Spanish, sincere desire for personal growth/ significant self-awareness and sensitivity to emotional states, stagnation and Red Flags.
Available by request.
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5. Ditch your old bad habits and reinvent your self this holiday season-try identify theft!
I recently finished reading Mindy Kaling’s book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? She’s an all-around comedic badass so if you haven’t read it yet I suggest buying it or borrowing it from your coolest female (or male?) companion.
I’m an avid believer that being in unfamiliar circumstances and doing things that seem scary can really develop character. I’ve never learned more about myself than times I’ve felt utterly unprepared.
This portable press that doubles as a thermos will have even the fiercest coffee snobs saying “YASSSSSSS.”