10 Foods For Depressed People

6. A pile of Taco Bell

A pile of Taco Bell is another seminal depression food. Best eaten breathing heavily through your nose during mastication while pitying yourself because you’re stuck in a relationship that seems – on paper – to be the best thing that’s ever happened to you while simultaneously and consistently catalyzing urgent thoughts such as “Oh fuck why the fuck do I feel so bad all the time?” in your car, in the Taco Bell parking lot, where you sit for an extra hour just to not be in the presence of your significant other, who’s, alarmingly, started to actually, noticeably cringe when you touch her, a pile of smelly, meaty Taco Bell will take you to the place you need to be when you’re depressed. Bonus self-loathing for eating 10 or more soft and/ or crunchy tacos in one sitting; even more for eating the stuff that’s dropped onto your lap and between your seat and the center console.

Stats
Ave. consumption time: 10 to 30 minutes
Calories from fat: 350 – 700
Total calories: 750 – 1500 (5 – 10 tacos)
Price: ~$10
Average comfort received: Very high

7. An obscenely large amount of mashed potatoes with gravy made from a packet thing

Served with a generous dallop of butter, an obscenely large amount of mashed potatoes (2 – 5 lbs.) topped with gravy made from a packet thing is the perfect food for the depressed person. Scooping incredibly large spoonfulls of the mess into your mouth between bellowing sobs, this particular portion of buttery ass mashed potatoes and gravy will bring you closer than ever to cardiac arrest, sincere hate for yourself and the pathetic, all-encompassing feeling of not giving a fuck anymore.

Stats
Ave. consumption time: 30 minutes
Calories from fat: 300
Total calories: 600
Price: ~$4
Average comfort received: Very high

8. Factory-farmed steak slathered in a pool of butter, topped with sour cream

© BrokenSphere / Wikimedia Commons

Your average grocery store will indeed feature this most depressing menu item. Pick any steak from the beef section – the cow it’s from is likely to have endured an unimaginably terrible life of suffering and disgusting living conditions in sacrifice for your Saying Fuck It on a regular basis and just buying 20 pounds and frying them up in saved bacon fat and topping them with a half-cup of melted butter and a quarter cup of sour cream for 14 days, straight. During this meal you can wail as the blood mixed with melted butter and sour cream runs down your chin – mixing with your tears of unbearable guilt and shame – and achieve a level of toxic self-doubt and existential anxiety that you’d never thought imaginable.

Stats
Ave. consumption time: 45 minutes
Calories from fat: 175
Total calories: 390
Price: ~$8
Average comfort received: Extremely high, almost instinctual

9. Reddi-wip straight from the can

xcitement.com

When there’s nothing left in the fridge aside from some spare Taco Bell hot sauce packets, a bottle of lime juice, 3-week old white rice that you’re afraid to look at, a similarly-aged leftover Taco Bell quesadilla, and a half-empty can of Reddi-wip – not to worry. ‘Squirting’ Reddi-wip directly into your mouth is a perfect food if you’re depressed. It’s extremely convenient – you simply need to get out of bed, retrieve the Reddi-wip from the fridge, take off the cap, return to the bed, tilt your head back, lift your arm a bit to point the nozzle into your mouth, and put a bit of gentle pressure on the nozzle. You’ll soon be guzzling a sad mass of something that’s supposed to be whipped cream, and after you finish the entire bottle, you can get sort of high off the can’s remaining nitrous oxide.

Stats
Ave. consumption time: 1 minute
Calories from fat: 18
Total calories: 20
Price: ~$4
Average comfort received: Very high

10. An entire “bloomin’ onion” from Outback Steakhouse with that weird cheese sauce

The depressed person knows she’s reached a serious low point when she suddenly realizes that she’s developed the habit of eating an entire “bloomin’ onion” from Outback Steakhouse with that weird cheese sauce every day after work, taking comfort in its greasy tenderness and crispy industrial deep fried batter that so lines each depressing ‘petal’ of the food abomination. Pick the darkest corner of the Steakhouse for this terribly sad meal and order a Bud Light for extra depression. Attempt to pity yourself to the extreme, here – make sure you think about your ex-boyfriend. Additionally, make sure you think about it enough to realize how utterly alone you – and everyone else – really are.

Stats
Ave. consumption time: 30 minutes
Calories from fat: 1827 (not even joking here)
Total calories: 2710
Price: ~$7
Average comfort received: Very high Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I am the co-publisher of Thought Catalog. Follow me on Twitter. I also use a pen name called Holden Desalles.

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