Re: BLOOD FOR CAKE (Chicago)
By Brad Pike
Re: BLOOD FOR CAKE (Chicago)
Hey, so I saw your craigslist post about the cake, and I was wondering if you’d be willing to trade something other than blood for it. I can’t honestly see any practical use my blood could serve unless you’ve, say, suffered a stab wound or a catastrophic car accident. Granted, there have been studies attesting to the brain rejuvenating powers of infusions of young people’s blood for the elderly, but based on the use of YOLO in the description, I’m assuming these benefits would be lost on you. Here are items I’m currently willing to trade: money, ketchup, an Ikea bookshelf, half a box of pop tarts, hair/nails/scabs/other unnecessary body parts if that’s what you’re into, and that’s it.
I hope we can make this deal happen soon, as no one wants a stale moldy cake. Thank you for your consideration.
-brad
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What sort of cake do you think I’m bartering with here? As I said in the description, this cake is a six layer cake with chocolate mousse, vanilla cream, chocolate flakes, cream cheese, strawberries, cherries, fudge chunks, and topped with eight six-inch tall chocolate bears. This cake is 3.8 ft. in diameter and is fresh as hell, moist, dripping. There is plenty of money in the world. There is only one of these cakes. The only suitable means of payment is blood.
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Well, if that’s the case, I don’t think I’ll be able to make a trade; I need my blood to nourish my organs and transport nutrients throughout my body. But let’s just say, hypothetically, I did want to make a trade, and I don’t, but if I did, how much blood exactly would be sufficient payment for this cake and, purely to satisfy my own curiosity as I have no intention of following through on such a deal, what kind of medical equipment would I need to properly take and store a quantity of my blood. What a terrible scenario to imagine if someone — not me, of course, but someone — siphoned off a portion of blood and improperly transported it, leading to coagulated garbage blood, unfit for anyone’s mysterious, undoubtedly sinister purpose.
-brad
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I’m looking at the cake right now, and, if I had to guess, I would say six quarts would be a proper blood value for it, or as much blood as would fill up a kitchen sink. In regards to equipment, I’d recommend a large 16-17 gauge needle hooked up to six liter-sized baggies attached to a BM 323 automated blood bank machine. Insert the needle into the median cubital vein on the inside of the elbow, tie the tourniquet, start the machine, and grip a tennis ball at regular intervals to speed up the blood flow. There’s no need to worry about bad blood; as long as you keep it refrigerated in an ice chest or something, it stays good for 35-42 days.
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So on a whim, I looked on the internet and found the human body only contains approximately six quarts of blood, which means if someone — not me because that would be irrational, and I’m a reasonable stable person with a healthy relationship with food — were to actually take you up on this offer, they would drain nearly if not all the blood in their body.
Sparing the serious health effects of having no blood, I wonder whether a bloodless person, perhaps on the verge of death, pale and wheezing, gazing into the infinite black night and its requisite dancing phantasms, might summon the strength to manipulate a fork and knife to consume the cake he/she had sacrificed so much to acquire. This, I feel, would be a serious flaw in the transaction, if the person receiving the cake could only stare hungrily at its magnificence as the last residue of his life force spilled out into the void.
-brad
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Let’s call it three liters, and that’s my final offer. Based on my experience, at four liters of blood loss, subjects can still open and close their mouths, even vocalize a bit, for a few moments before passing out, so three is quite a sensible price. If you’re still vacillating, I’m attaching a photo of the cake, and a few further details:
This cake was made by O’Grady’s Bakery in Cleveland, the best reviewed bakery in the United States, by Sherman O’Grady himself. Friends and colleagues of O’Grady called this cake “the Infinite Jest of cake,” due to its size, flavor ostentatiousness, and post-modern style. Furthermore, Mr. O’Grady hanged himself yesterday, so there will not be another one. This is not just a cake, but the cake. This cake may very well be the best cake ever created, the Mona Lisa of cake, a confectionary conduit to the divine, and to have it, I only require a brief prick and a bit of blood.
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Ples bring the cak. Have blood fr you. You shod brin it now pleas. You shuld now I am reasnabl persn but also I want te cak.