This Is A Pinterest Love Story Without The Love

America – the land of freedom and double standards. No, seriously, America, why do you do this to us? More specifically, why do you have to do this to us women? This isn’t really a “feminist rant,” so don’t click that little red X before you have to. This is more of a “Really?” moment except I’m not as cute as Amy Poehler. I think I’m tied for cuteness with Seth Meyers, though. You have to give me that. But the thing is simple. Pinterest, you’re doing it wrong. Here’s what’s great about Pinterest – it’s like Tumblr, but less offensive to the eyes and discontented with literally everyone who has ever existed. It’s where I can go to look at pretty Buffy the Vampire Slayer pictures without all the “fandom fighting” in the middle of it. If you’ve ever experienced two or more fans of something arguing about if a character is a horrible person or not, consider yourself lucky and kiss the freaking pavement for me. It’s terrible. It’s like that scene in Billy Madison where Billy gives an answer about a children’s book to a question that had absolutely nothing to do with a children’s book, and the moderator says, “Everyone in this room is now dumber having heard that. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” That’s Tumblr. It’s also another story.

Where was I before I started talking about movies that aren’t even that good? Pinterest. Here’s what Pinterest (and America) is all about.

“Eat everything and be fat!”

“Eat nothing and be skinny.”

Notice the difference in punctuation. Pinterest is really enthusiastic about junk food. There are approximately 90 million desserts you can make out of cookie pieces. It’s so much fun to look at all that food and really, really easy to want to try it. But just as you’re about to let yourself have something, you see these posts.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

“Here are the easiest ab exercises you’ll ever do!”

“Feeling hungry? Drink a gallon of water instead – the hunger will go away!”

Here’s the thing. Neither of these philosophies is wrong. You should eat what you want, you should exercise, and you should drink a lot of water. But Pinterest and the rest of America thinks it has to be one or the other. They eliminate a middle ground. Consequently, so have I.

I am not fat. I am not skinny. I am thinnish. If I lost five pounds, you’d shrug. If I gained five pounds, you wouldn’t notice. But having Pinterest, watching TV, and reading magazines while I’m waiting to get my hair cut isn’t convincing enough. I forget that I’m thinnish. I forget that I’m thinnish, and I start thinking that because I’m not skinny, I must be fat. Pinterest and Co. eliminate the middle ground. The middle ground isn’t represented.

Actually, I’d like to scratch that, please. The middle ground is represented… as fat.

I mean, recently in entertainment news, Sasha Pieterse (Alison DiLaurentis on oh-my-gosh-this-jumped-the-shark-three-years-ago ABC Family drama, Pretty Little Liars) has gone under fire for seemingly gaining weight. Apparently, Pieterse has been going through a hormone imbalance, and my heart goes out to her and hopes she’s feeling okay. But when I look at Pieterse in these season five episodes of the show (which, yes, I watch), I think that she looks way better than she did before. I think she looks healthier. It’s OK to weigh 120 pounds. It’s OK to weigh 150. If you’re healthy at such and such a weight and carrying on such and such a lifestyle, please continue. The only reason you should make a change is if you’re unhappy, unhealthy, or both. Pinterest just thinks there are only two ways to be happy and one way to be unhappy. Unfortunately, the only way to be unhappy is one of the ways to be happy. It doesn’t make any sense.

One of my all time favorite shows is Gilmore Girls. You know as well as I do that Lorelai and Rory eat more junk food than a ten-year-old left home alone for the first time. And yet, they remain skinny as rails. I mean, two words – spit bucket. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the spit bucket. You can’t just keep eating while filming numerous takes because it’s not good for anybody. I don’t care how fit you are. All I’m saying is that normal people don’t get spit buckets, and we don’t see them. We follow the happy, junk-food-must-be-healthy example of the Gilmores, Lorelai. And as great a show as that is, that’s messed up.

I’m not going to end this by saying, “Eat McDonalds! Be you! Kisses!” This is because I’m not an immature, Tumblr user. I’m not going to end it by saying, “Don’t.” I’m going to end this by saying Pinterest doesn’t know what it’s talking about, but you probably do.