I Like Big Jerks And I Cannot Lie

Really though. My track record proves it – I have a tendency to fall for them. Maybe it’s me that’s the problem, maybe it’s not. Either way, that age-old adage about women flocking to bad boys and nice guys getting left in the dust? Sometimes it has a small amount of truth to it.

Falling for bad boys is quick, sudden, all-encompassing. It’s nothing, and then everything. It’s heart over head, emotions over logic.

It’s a reckless abandon type of falling, one I’ve experienced too many times for my liking.

Even so, I don’t lack all common sense and intuition. There have been times that I’ve fallen for nice guys. But it’s a different kind of falling – more precise, intentional. It involves talking myself into the relationship, reminding myself that I do deserve someone who treats me well and is genuine.

It’s a calculated type of falling.

I’ve already accepted that I’m going to get a lot of flak for writing this, a lot of “we accept the love we think we deserve”  and “maybe it’s you” responses. But I also know I’m not alone in this situation. For a certain type of woman, there’s an allure to a broody, broken, dark, mysterious man, some force that pulls us towards them even when the voice in our head is screaming that we know better, that we’ve been down that road before.

There’s something about the idea of a guy who comes off as bad, but is a softie at heart – these are the guys we convince ourselves we’ve come across, when really we just have a knack for picking out the assholes.

Over. And over. And over.

The latest asshole in my line of assholes? Arrogant. Manipulative.  Emotionally immature. Dark past. As much as I wanted to convince myself we had potential, we never stood a chance. It was always about him – he was overwhelmed, he was having a hard time, he wasn’t ready.

Towards the end when we did talk every few days, it was like he was doing me a huge favor by giving up his time. He never once took the time to ask how I was. Then he suddenly cut me off.

I found out less than two weeks later that he was “in a relationship” on Facebook – after he told me we were taking things too fast and he wasn’t ready for that step.

At the start of said “relationship” with Mr. Asshole, I was talking to a friend about how I had this inexplicable gut feeling telling me to turn and run, that this was going to end badly. But, like I’ve done so many times before, I ignored it. It’s like I have to make the mistake and see how it plays out, just in case.

I was so enamored with Mr. Asshole, so determined to fix him and his problems, that I let him treat me as an option, as someone who was conveniently there when we was lonely. I knew I deserved better. Hell, he even told me as much, but I brushed it off and told him to let me decide what I deserved.

The problem is that this is not a one-time thing – I continually misjudge and even justify someone’s character. But why?

Is there some psychological explanation? Do I just ignore red flags when they present themselves? Do I like the challenge? The anticipation? The unpredictability?

What the hell does it say about me that at 22-years-old, I can look at almost every guy I have ever had a semblance of a relationship with and confidently say, “Yep, he was an asshole, but I stuck around.”

For one, it says I need to get my shit together and figure out what I deserve.

There’s this thing called the Douchebag Theory – no, really, it’s on Urban Dictionary. (Therefore it’s obviously legit.) It claims, “It usually starts from a young age, when a boy is mean to a girl, the girl goes home and cries to her mom, her mom then says ‘it’s okay, it’s just because he likes you.’ The girl is then happy with that answer and moves on with life thinking every time a guy is an ass to her, it just means they like her. She goes on thinking that until she is old enough to date guys, and then she proceeds to ask the biggest douchebag out, and that explains how all the assholes get hot girls.”

Okay, so that’s not the most well thought out explanation – but it does make sense to a certain degree. I can certainly recall times in elementary school that this specific situation played out. I’m not claiming that is why I still tend to choose douchebags to this day, just that it could be a factor.

I do have another theory for women like myself – we enjoy the chase. We revel in feeling as if we conquered or overcame something every time the douchebag lets us in a little bit more. There’s something about connecting with a person who seems unattainable or unreachable. There’s a little bit of victory every time they allow us a glimpse into themselves, a victory that isn’t present when dating someone who has all their cards on the table from the start.

And once the chase is over, we want to change the guy. Actually, scratch that. We don’t want to change him, we just want him to want to change for us, to want to be a better person for us. We want to be the driving force that makes him come to their senses.

It’s messed up, really. Why wouldn’t we want to be with someone who is a better person from the start, who we don’t feel like we have to prove our worth to time and time again?

I wish I had the answer, but I don’t.

In the meantime, I’m trying this new thing – I’m going to trust my intuition and turn the other way when it tells me to do so.