Thought Catalog
April 28, 2016

This Is What Your Guy Is Like In Bed, Based On His Zodiac Sign

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wendy liu
wendy liu

Ladies, Gentlemen (and everyone in between), please do me a favor and pour yourself a drink, turn on “Gimme Gimme Gimme” by ABBA, and feast your eyes on this appetizing astrological dish. Bred somewhere in between the men’s luxury lifestyle world, and the highly active dating life of a single gal in Manhattan, I give you a saucy little horoscope that shines the spotlight on men. Whether you regard it as mystical garbage or brilliant insight, if one thing is for sure: it’s entertaining. It also comes with the disclaimer that I assume no actual responsibility for your futures whatsoever. I’m not an astrologer. I’m an observer and entertainer of these concepts, to be taken lightly (facts and horoscopes are not exactly married). Is there truth to this? That’s for you to decide.

If you happen to fit the stereotypical mold of your sign, congratulations. If you don’t identify with it at all, good for you just the same.

On another note, if your lovers know what’s good for them, they’ll read up on this. Without further adieu, please allow astrology to assist your love life…

Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

I doubt I’ve ever met an Aries man who couldn’t charm the pants right off of me. That’s not to say I submitted every time, but Sir, you are trouble. Put it this way: wherever there’s an Aries man, opportunity awaits. His charm has rivals muttering, “Oh, it’s not fair” in his general direction. He seems to always have a large collection of admirers at his disposal, which is annoying to anyone trying to take him seriously. We’d better be pretty damn sure of ourselves if we want to end up with him because an Aries man rarely changes his ways. At worst, he has a tendency to be self-involved to a fault; a one-man show. At best, he is an absolute demon in the bedroom; a burning, churning, cosmic explosion of star dusted superiority. His poster child Mr. Hugh Hefner, will tell you all about it. The best advice here would be that if sex were a scary neighborhood, he shouldn’t go there alone. Just remember, Mr. Aries, there are two people here. Giving is receiving.

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

Is it just me, the industry, or are Taurean men running ramped through the streets of New York City? This seems to be the most dominant sign in town. It’s either that or that he is just the most outspoken about his sign. A true alpha male, he’s aggressive with a sort of discretion that most people find intriguing and attractive. When he enters a room, heads will turn (and sometimes roll). “Who is that?” is the common inner dialogue in response to his presence. If not for his devastating good looks (he’s usually “really, really ridiculously good looking”), then for the way he commands attention with subtle intensity. A master of deals, discussions, and decisions, he gives us a real run for our money. He takes care of business and the same goes for sex. He’s just a busy kind of guy. While he tends to take on a number of projects at once, he doesn’t forget to stop and smell the roses (or the weed). On that note, maybe he shouldn’t smoke so much of it! Just saying.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

If it takes two to tango, then we’ll do the horizontal mambo with this guy any day. Double the pleasure, double the fun, is the name of the game for the exciting Mr. Gemini. A man of great versatility, few signs have as dynamic a personality as he does. His bedroom escapades are no different either. Every love scene with him is an Oscar winning performance. Mr. Gem is the Bugatti Veyron of the dating world. He has a speeding problem and will blow through lovers like nobody else. If (and only if) he finds someone worthy, he will slow down his roll. The fact that he is so open-minded makes him a lot of fun. He also has a way with words. They don’t call him the Wordsmiths of the horoscope for nothing! His words will cut like a knife or slay like a giant, depending on his mood. Yes, moods. He has many. Try to keep up. However, he is easy to love. Eccentric and clever, we want him at every party. Sometimes villainized and other times glorified, there is never a dull moment with Gems. “If you’re not having fun, it’s your own damn fault” would be your mantra. Let’s pillow talk later. Call me.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

Crabs assemble! Anyone who actually thinks they can assemble a group of crabs is hilarious because Mr. Cancer always goes his own way. He’s not a lone wolf but he’s not a follower either. He mingles in a variety of social networks (and lovers), and rarely hangs out with people who are just like him. He likes variety and is bored easily. True, for crabby gentlemen everywhere, life is a luxurious voyage of wining, dining, and effortless winning. Dirk Diggler put it best when he sang, “You’re a winner!” in Boogie Nights. When he wins us over, we are at the mercy of his boyish charms. He’s got us doing kinky things we never dreamt of doing. Forgive the stereotype, but he always seems to be really good in the kitchen too. He puts the corny old adage “What’s cooking, good looking” back into our vocabulary. He’s passionate about good hospitality, and it’s a mutual exchange that suits him best. Even if he is a softy on the inside, he’s got a rather hard exterior.  Anatomically speaking, that’s not a bad thing at all (wink-wink).

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

Few types of men are more in touch with their primal instincts as Mr. Leo is, and if a lion’s pride is a powerful thing, then he’s as fierce as they come. For the electric Leo man, there are many, many admirers. Confident and talented, he has serious sexual prowess. His only hope is to live up to your fantasies of him. He’ll eat us for dinner if we let him. Naughty boy! For Mariah Carey fans everywhere, it was most likely a Leo she sang about in “Dream lover, come rescue me.” His naturally vibrant and magnetic personality is hard to ignore. He is infectious! Once he has plagued our hearts, we don’t want to be cured. Sometimes he can be intimidating, but as we get to know him, he’s just a cuddly kitten. At worst he’s a stage hog, and at best he’s a born performer and natural porn star (whether he makes it a profession or not). The only thing holding him back would be a bad case of stage fright. Just relax, sir. We believe in you. You’re a star. Let’s shag like minxes.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

If being a good guy is cool, then consider him Miles Davis. There’s none more devoted than the Virgoan guy. He’s a true romantic who will give his heart and soul to the right person. Lucky for you, he harbors no commitment phobias whatsoever. He’s an honest, sincere, and stand-up kind of guy. While honesty comes with his territory, getting to know him is another story. He doesn’t open himself up to just anyone. He tends to be guarded and a bit on the judgmental side. He will scour the Earth before settling on anything less than what he thinks he deserves. He may come off as unobtainable and inaccessible but that’s part of his appeal. People tend to admire him from afar because he has an out of reach air about him. He requires someone that he can see eye to eye with. When the dating market is scarce, he doesn’t compromise himself. Patience is a virtue that he does indeed possess. There are so many people who would love to go mattress dancing with him. He has more options than he realizes, he is just plain picky. Good for him. Stick to your guns Mr. Virgo! Stay strong. Slow and steady wins the race.

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

I feel like being a Libra is like being in a cult. Are you in the Libran circle of trust? Lord hath no mercy if you’re not. You do not want these guys on your bad side. For as dedicated, doting, and focused as they are (in love and in life), is as relentless as they are to succeed in everything they do. That includes driving you into the ground if you cross them. A worldly, educated, well-rounded guy like Mr. Libra is typically top dog somewhere in the professional world. He’ll see to that. Just remember, Mr. Libra is always right. With the balance that this sign suggests, is it any small wonder that they usually live up to the pressure? There is little this guy can’t handle, and he makes an excellent problem solver. Responsible and dependable, you can turn to him for anything. He’s got a hell of a lot to offer and a level head on his shoulders. Just don’t cross him because he may be prone to holding a grudge. Have mercy, sir. You’re sexy when you’re mad.

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

Playing into double standards and gender wars, Scorpio would be the most controversial. This is where guys are being scrutinized, as opposed to girls (usually it’s the other way around). While Ms. Scorpio tends to be valued for her sensuality and provocative nature, Mr. Scorpio gets a bad rap as a womanizer and playboy. Touché. Scorpios everywhere are typically donned as the sexual Mt. Olympus of the horoscope. Too bad the science of sex comes down to raw chemistry (to each his own). Mr. Scorpio has an insatiable sexual appetite, but the riddle of his existence thrives in extremes. Whatever it is about him; strengths, weaknesses, quirks, nuances, etc. it’s going to be extreme. Sir, you are INTENSE. He loves things that are shiny and new but is prone to scandal. For anyone who ever got burned by a Scorpio, it’s the oldest story in the book. Indulge, indulge, indulge, but just remember one thing, life is shorter than you think. Here’s to hoping your Mr. Scorpio more than just a hot minute (and that minute is hot).

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

“What do you mean, oh… when you nod your head yes, but you wanna say no…” comes to mind with this guy. If I had $1 for every Sagittarian I’ve ever met who contradicted himself, I’d be bidding on prime real estate in Central Park East. You are the “Lost Boys” of the modern world. Sagittarian men live with an eternal adolescence and stay young at heart even in their old age. A playful lover who is always down to explore, he loves to scope out new prospects. Is he faithful? Let’s put his status there at “grade pending” because loyalty is a crapshoot with him. It’s hit and miss. He doesn’t discriminate race, body type, age, or gender (on occasion) when it comes to lovers, so consider him among the world’s most experienced lovers. As playful as he is, he has a hitch. Sometimes he takes it too far. Need an example? He is the type to break up with someone just for the makeup sex. He should tread lightly in the event that someone comes along who takes it all too seriously. You know what they say; revenge is a dish served cold.

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

What is Mr. Capricorn supposed to do with all that energy? Don’t worry; he will channel it in productive ways. Focused and determined, he is completely capable of meeting his goals. In other words, he knows how to get what he wants. He is not susceptible to foolish jerking off (pun intended). He’s a smart guy with a resistance to temptation and vigor for fun. It just depends on what he sets his mind to. “Eye on the prize” would be his mantra. His bar is set high so if you want to be with him, you better hope you measure up to his high standards. He will involve himself with people who are nothing short of extraordinary. He’s a social climber, a clever businessman, and strategist. He knows how to use his resources. He also knows how to use his body as a vessel for ultimate pleasure. Let’s call him “the professional”. After you’ve been with him, you’ll feel as though you’ve been with the king. Yes, it’s true; the sexy, able-bodied mountain climber of your dreams is none other than Mr. Capricorn. You are the real deal, sir.

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

Right now, Aquarians everywhere are singing the theme “Let’s party like it’s 1999.” It’s no exaggeration in saying that Mr. Aquarius is a strange breed. Said to be the great humanitarians of the zodiac, we find him doing good things for Mother Earth and it’s dwellers. Ambassadors of going green, preserving the Earth, and fighting for justice, he is a soldier of human welfare. While he is known for being good hearted and righteous, he can also be a loose canon when it comes to relationships. He prides himself on his freedom and won’t be caught dead in a conventional union. There’s nothing he hates more than being tied down, yet he equally abhors loneliness. That’s quite the conundrum. He is prone to a perpetual cycle of intense, romantic collision followed by solitude due to counteracting habits. George Peppard as Paul Varjak in Breakfast at Tiffany’s put it best when he said “You call yourself a free spirit, a “wild thing,” and you’re terrified somebody’s gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you’re already in that cage. You built it yourself.” Yikes. When they say there’s no hope for him, it’s garbage. As he ages, old habits die-hard and he develops an appreciation for stability. He may have some regrets but there is also good news: his libido never wavers. Those lusty impulses he had as a teenager stay with him until the end of time. Lucky fella.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

A personal favorite, Mr. Pisces lives on the border of bizarre and brilliant. From Kurt Cobain and Alexander McQueen to Albert Einstein and George Washington, Piscean men are capable of a great, many things. He is a force to be reckoned with. To expound on his virtues is to write the recipe of what legends are made of. Complex and as deep as the sea, he is romantic, tragic, prolific, and tormented all at once. Is there such a thing as his perfect match? He is so unique, that one would have to wonder if he would ever be satisfied. He tends to want what he can’t have. He also has the talent of seeing through people’s nonsense, to a point of reality that others may find too heavy to handle. Sometimes his life gets dark, but he is magical and don’t let him forget it. Stay with us, lay with us, and let us satisfy you. You deserve the world. TC mark

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