This Week In Food
So You Don’t Like Eating Pink Slime?
Thanks to the internet, Beef Products International — the makers of pink slime — have been forced to close three out of their four factories. All in hardworking blue-collar American towns: Amarillo, Texas; Garden City, Kansas; and Waterloo, Iowa.
Way to kill more jobs, people. Now hundreds of children won’t have health insurance because daddy isn’t working at the meat factory anymore. Bet you didn’t think about that before jumping on the “pink slime is murder” bandwagon.
Hamburglar Strikes McDonalds Drive-thru
A real-life hamburglar crippled an area McDonalds in Augusta, Maine. At the moment of exchange, a daring thief charged through the drive-thru and snatched a bag of burgers as it was being handed to a car full of hungry patrons.
Luckily, a Good Samaritan flagged down Lt. Christopher Massey. Massey was given a description of the culprit, who was reportedly wearing red jeans.
Red jeans, not exactly popular this time of year in Augusta, were a dead give-away. Massey found the thief chowing down on his loot in a nearby Arby’s parking lot.
Upon confrontation, the humburglar spit out his meal, swore at Officer Massey, and took off running into the woods.
Lt. Massey, being a reasonable man, did not pursue. Not ashamed, he reported:
“[McDonalds] said that [hamburger theft] does happen occasionally,”
The food was worth roughly $20.
First-Time Ever, Burger King Introduces Lamb Burger
Move over pink slime, Burger King UK has introduced a new lamb burger. Weighing in at slightly over 700 calories, the new lamb “flat-bread” is being marketed as a healthy alternative.
Gourmet fast food burgers are a growing trend in Europe.
Despite the advertising, it is not the first lamb burger to have ever been sold. It is, however, the most recent.
Available for a limited time — never in the US.
McDonalds Hit With Two Cups Of Hot Litigation
McDonalds just can’t catch a break.
First a daring robbery, next two coffee-related lawsuits.
The first suit involves a four-year-old girl who was given an empty cup of coffee by her grandmother and instructed to throw it away. Instead, the kid got a refill and spilled the boiling hot beverage all over because her tiny hands couldn’t grasp the cup, which was served without a cardboard holder.
She suffered second-degree burns.
Apparently it’s against company policy to sell hot coffee to children. It’s also against 7-11 policy to sell cigarettes to children. But it happens. Welcome to America.
The child’s father wants four million dollars.
The second case involves a middle age woman who spilled some coffee while leaving the drive-thru. Her attorney said she suffered “horrific burns.” No one cares because she was a 35-year-old woman, not a 4-year-old child, and should have known better.
Bon Appetit. Watch out for hot coffee, pink slime, and drive-thru robbers.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”