Introducing the Turtle Man
Ernie Brown Jr, the Turtle Man, is a beast. His YouTube video has over 2.5 million views, landing him a website selling apparel decorated with his trade mark logo: “Snapper-Licious”. He also hired a manager, has a rap song, got a shout out by American troops in Iraq on CNN and took his turtle catching show on the road. Despite his remarkable talent and brilliant marketing effort he calls himself “the poorest famous guy around.”
Turtle man hasn’t always been a super famous person. His day job was on a sawmill in rural Kentucky. In his spare time, he began turning his hobby into a small profit by removing snapping turtles plaguing people’s ponds and harassing livestock. Apparently, snapping turtles have a real appetite for cow utters and thirsty horses. He works alone capturing snapping turtles with nothing but his bare hands, some Gatorade, and a signature rebel yell.
“I’m kind of like a warrior, like Robin Hood,” says The Turtle Man. “I bring a turtle out of this pond, put him in another where he won’t do no violence.”
A robin hood indeed, prancing around ponds stealing snapping turtles from the rich and unleashing them on the poor. Debate remains over whether he actually consumes his catch. The turtle man has only added fuel to this fire. He is on record as saying that turtles are “good eating” and proceeds to refer to the captured turtle’s tail as ‘steak’ and the arm as ‘tenderloin’. He later contradicted these remarks, stating:
“I don’t kill it, I only catch it. Don’t never torture nothing. That’s my name of the game. That’s how you stay into it. Keep people liking you.”
Right on turtle man, rule one is never torture your catch. Although, I might like you more if you grilled up some turtle tail steak. Maybe a nice turtle and yellow Gatorade stew.
So far he has not received any significant wounds but lost the majority of his teeth in an unrelated battle with a chainsaw.
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“Behind the glamor, the glitz… it’s just selling us, constantly, an idea. And it’s not like you can just sell products. You need to sell the entire context… you have to sell the concept of glamor… the movies, the newspaper, all of it creates a frequency of consciousness that’s constantly spellbinding you into a state where a Galaxy phone seems like a good idea.”
It began at thirteen, breakfasts hidden in desk drawers, flushed down the toilet, and, when the toilet had backed up, its pipes blocked by bananas and boiled eggs and buttered slices of toast and so much cereal and so much…
Some of these are absolutely golden.
Yup, that’s right. If you’re one of the people that clicks on and shares clickbait, you’re likely to be a racist.