January 28, 2013

The Most Absurd Thing You'll Read Today

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It doesn’t take much to keep my interest: high-stakes political dramas, snowstorms named after Star Trek villains, individually-wrapped slices of Velveeta. So imagine the neurogasm I enjoyed when I came across the following headline:

NAKED MAN POOPS, GOES ON RAMPAGE IN SW FLORIDA”

Now, trolling through Florida news for a defecating naked man is like finding the end of this simile. If Floridians aren’t being confused by ballots or eating each other’s faces off in bath salts-induced fits of rage, they’re typically shitting on each other’s doorsteps (or so I’ve heard). But let’s check in with Miami’s News-Press to find out what this birthday-suit clad gentleman is all about.

MIAMI – A southwest Florida man was arrested after he reportedly jumped off the roof of a couple’s North Ft. Myers home, knocked one person over and then went on a rampage inside the residence.

Yeah, yeah. What else is new? The gentleman was 21-year-old Frank Bruni. Twentysomething problems, amirite?

The victims told the Lee County Sheriff’s Office they were inside around 6:50 p.m. when they heard noises on the roof.

6:50 p.m.? That’s pretty early for a violent, nude romp through a strangers house. I typically wait until at least 10 p.m. to cause a massive disturbance in a middle-class neighborhood.

They said the man then jumped off the roof and onto one of the victims, knocking him down. The man then ran into their home and pulled a 72-inch television off a living room wall, breaking it.

Wow. 72-inches? This man isn’t a lunatic; he’s the crackhead Robin Hood. But here is where things get really weird.

The victim told investigators he yelled for his wife to get a gun as Bruni continued to thrash around the house, knocking over a wet/dry vacuum and spilling its contents on the floor. The wife fired three shots from a .38 caliber revolver at Bruni but missed and hit a wall.

A few things. First, Florida, as anyone who followed the Trayvon Martin case knows, is a stand-your-ground state. This means you can legally shoot someone if you feel they are threatening to your life (although technically this would be a castle doctrine case). Presumably jumping off the roof and on to your husband would justify breaking out your six-shooter. Second, you missed the naked man flailing against your vacuum cleaner? He wasn’t bouncing around the walls of somewhere you’ve never been before; he was attacking household appliances in your own damn house. Next

Bruni then fell to the ground and began masturbating in the living room before he ran into the victims’ son’s bedroom and began rubbing his face with clothing, according to the report.

While that last part about the son’s clothing might sound especially creepy, you’d be shocked how sweaty your face can become after drug-addled masturbation. Also, perhaps when he was distracted by his own self-pleasuring would have been the better chance to fire off your gun? Just a thought.

Deputies arrived on the scene and tried to detain Bruni, who started flailing around on the ground and speaking but not making sense. Deputies said Bruni sucked up the water that had spilled from the vacuum and spit it out.

This guy sounds like my dog. In fact, have I been wrongfully blaming my dog for the messes I come home to?

“Deputies later discovered Bruni defecated near the front door and in a hallway inside the residence.”

What?! When?! In between the vandalism and masturbation and dodging bullets he had a chance to pop a squat not once but twice? When it’s this easy, how can you even blame the guy? Alright, let’s wrap this up.

He was transported to Lee Memorial Hospital for observation. Doctors advised deputies they couldn’t identify “what Bruni was on” and were conducting further tests, according to the report.

I’ll tell you what he was high on: life. And there ain’t no piss test for that. TC mark

Ben Branstetter

Ben Branstetter is a 25-year-old writer living in Central Pennsylvania. He attended Milton Hershey School followed by …

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