8 Things You Really Mean By “I’m Staying In Tonight”
By Becky Lang
Invite me 3 more times, more creatively, because I don’t exactly feel like part of your friend group and I need reassurance that you like me. How about a drunken, affectionate phone call and a text from one other person in your group?
I’m extremely introverted and my week of sitting in the office has me drained to the point where I just want to get drunk alone and make a quesadilla using everything in my fridge. Also, I resent all of you for having so much free time and will sit around exaggerating how irresponsible you are in my mind.
I have been a serious alcoholic this week (I woke up in a different zipcode each day!) and I am trying to prove to all of you (and myself) that I have some restraint. Tonight I will stay in and research juice diets so that I can cleanse my body enough to do it again next week, although right now I am entertaining the regular delusions that I won’t.
I’m in a new relationship and we do this thing where we get in an argument about where to go out for sushi and end up instead staying in wearing sweatpants and watching Bizarre Foods while makeup cuddling. Why don’t you get your own relationship so you can understand and stop being so needy?
I just realized that I gained 10 pounds and my best dress-up clothes don’t fit. I’m going to spend the night tanning, exfoliating and then staring at myself hatefully in the mirror before treating myself to a Skinny Girl margarita and crying myself to sleep.
I wasn’t invited to the party everyone is going to so I am going to stay in and tweet about it regularly so that the person who is throwing it knows how offended/ lonely I am. I will also be scouring their Facebook to see which of their exes I must have slept with to piss them off.
I actually have no money and have been surviving on frozen pizzas and macaroni and cheese. I can’t talk about how hard this is because none of you vodka Red Bull addicts understand.
Unlike all of you, I grew up and had kids and I will be spending the evening scrubbing old peas off the floor, watching Dumbo and then falling into an interrupted sleep. Party!
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image -Mish Sukharev
This post originally appeared on The Tangential.
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
By Larry Hardin
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
By Rob Fee
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.
By Meg Beyer