19 Ways To Be Shortsighted About Your 20s
By Becky Lang
1. Constantly think of ways to give advice to people 2 years younger than you. If only they knew what you know now (at 23).
2. Compulsively add “# ______ person problems!” to everything you say.
3. Be genuinely shocked every time you meet a non-atheist, like you’ve just spotted a blue deer with wings in the woods.
4. Overestimate the amount of people who “live for BRUNCH.”
5. Feel like anyone who procreates is weird cuz having babies is so cliché.
6. Severely look down on someone for being too old to remember the cartoon you watched when you were 9.
7. Talk about your parents like they are cute, funny, clueless martians.
8. Make self-deprecating charts congratulating yourself for not having a 401k.
9. Assume everyone older than you wants to know every single aspect of being a 20something.
10. Suspect that 29 will be terrifyingly different than 21 but lump those ages together anyway.
11. Describe all of your ideas, actions and preferences as being habits of your entire “generation.”
12. Assume that you are the next Jay McInerney, destined to tell the whole world what it’s like to be young in the city you’re in. Describe the city’s breath and pulse.
13. Do hard drugs/ have sex with random people to have something to make art about. Assume this will pay off in the long run. Assume this will actually somehow make the art for you.
14. Assume everyone has traveled but none of them know quite as much about this up-and-coming Japanese phenomenon as you do.
15. Find yourself joking affectionately about drugs you’ve never even done but just kinda hear about a lot. Also with sexual acts.
16. Suspect that SNL was better 15 years ago but know deep down that you were only 7 then.
17. Read your own Twitter while listening to Grizzly Bear from when you were 20 and think about the passage of time.
18. Assume the world needs one more quirky opinion about Facebook: yours.
19. Be ironic about everything all the time to the point where your ironic shell lets you be supersincere. Congratulate yourself on your sincerity.