I’ll Never Admit That I Miss You

To be fair, how could I not? After all the memories we shared and all that we’ve been through it’s only normal but I’ll never admit it – not to you or anyone.

It’s been years since I’ve seen you and the emptiness that’s been so familiar came whirling back when I walked into the same restaurant you were in the other day. I didn’t think the sight of you would hit me like that but it did. My friends made jokes about how my “bae” was there, so of course I went along with it and laughed.

I’ll never admit I miss you though because I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t.

You never treated me with the respect I deserved but I was blinded by you, I was consumed by you in a way that was unfamiliar. You made me feel things I didn’t know were possible, you opened up my heart in a way I had never felt before. The time I spent with you was the only part of my life I truly knew what it felt like the be alive.

You were the bad boy – the one I was infatuated with, the one I kept going back to no matter how bad you were for me, the one I kept making excuses for, the one who I gave my whole heart to.

You were one hundred percent my weakness at one time, and part of me worries that you still are.

When I was with you I didn’t care about anything and I realize now how harmful that can be, but seeing you again made me miss it. It made me miss the freedom I felt with you, the way you made me feel like nothing could touch me when I was by your side. You completely shook my whole world and made me lose track of everything that mattered to me.

You were the one person I wanted in this world more than anything and the one person I would have done anything for.

I’ll never admit I miss you though because I shouldn’t.

You never cared about me the way I cared about you. I always gave and gave and gave, while all you did was take. You only wanted me when it was convenient for you and I came, every time, without a fight. I tried to stand my ground, to prove to you that I was worth more, but you had control over me and I’d always give into you. You were my weakness.

You were everything I never knew I wanted and you turned me into someone I didn’t recognize for years.

For years you had me wrapped around your finger, you’d never commit but you always made me believe I was the one for you. How stupid I was to fall for your words and your twisted mind. I’d constantly give into you because I thought that you being in my life at all was better than nothing. I’d allow you to walk all over me because I’d rather have your footprints on my heart than risk the chance of losing you.

What we had was toxic, you were toxic, but I didn’t try to stop it. Not really, anyway because I would have rather been with you – lost and happy, confused yet complete than live without you. Being with you made me feel something when I felt nothing, having you in my life made me feel alive and that’s a feeling that’s hard to come by.

Seeing you the other day sparked some of that passion inside my chest again, even though it shouldn’t have. It brought back some of that innocence, that carefree feeling I only got around you, that desire I used to feel.

I’ll never admit I miss you because I shouldn’t but just between us, I think part of me always will.