November 18, 2016

I Want Love But I’m Terrified Of It

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What is the issue?
John Canelis
John Canelis

I want love; some days I want it so bad it brings me to tears and makes my heart hurt. I’m left with a feeling of emptiness inside my chest and all I can do is kick myself over it. It shakes me to my core and makes me feel like loneliness is just hanging around my shoulder whispering in my ear that I’m not good enough.

I watch happy couples around me smothering each other with love because that’s all single people see, right? Just the happy couples that make it seem like they’ve got it all together and they do a damn good job of making it look that way.

The problem with me is I want love, but I’m absolutely terrified of it. I’m scared of the commitment; I’m scared of the permanence and the reliance on another person.

I love being single, I love not relying on anyone but myself and not having to check in with another human. I like being me, solo, single, own my own.

But some days and some nights I can’t stand it.

Some nights I just can’t outrun the sting of loneliness and that’s hard to swallow.

It’s even harder to swallow when I know that I am my own problem.

I know I’m standing in my own way.

I think there’s no way that someone could seriously look at me and want to be with me forever and that’s hard. It’s hard to feel like I’m not good enough the way I am but those feelings of self-doubt are real because I’m so used to being the girl who is over looked.

I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that someone could like me more than a friend because that’s normally all I am. I’m the friend who helps guys talk to my girl friends. I’m the friend who’s pushed to the side while guys hit on my funnier, prettier, skinnier friends and forget about me. It’s what I’m used to and at this point it’s what I’ve come to accept.

I can’t see how someone would be attracted to me with all my weird, quirky traits and not only think they’re mildly attractive but also be proud to call me theirs.

But I would love it.

Because I really do want to find someone to call my own, someone who would love me with no restrictions because I make them happy.

I want that so badly, but I don’t allow myself to have it. Instead I allow loneliness to make a home on my shoulder and continue to whisper degrading comments in my ear, making me feel like I’m never going to be enough to be loved completely.

I think I’ve just accepted the fact that I’m not the type of girl people look at and think, “I want her and I never want to lose her.” So I distance myself. I keep my heart guarded because I don’t want to allow myself to break my own heart by giving myself false hopes.

I don’t want to get my hopes up to only have them crushed by being another friend or someone’s 2 AM booty call – I know I deserve more than that.

So I barricade my heart. I shut people out. I decided it’s better that way, but barricading my heart only ends up hurting me in the end.

It’s become one of my greatest fears and I don’t know when I’ll be able to overcome it because as much as I do want love I’m absolutely terrified of it.

All I can hope is it’s someday soon. TC mark

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