October 13, 2016

I Only Miss You When I’m Breathing

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I miss you at night when I’m crawling into my bed all on my own and your voice isn’t there to comfort me and your arms aren’t there to keep me warm. I miss you when I’m tossing and turning from having too much space to move around in. I miss your sleepy smile and your tired eyes that looked into mine.

I miss you in every breath I take; I try to exhale your memory until I fall asleep and you show up in my dreams.

In my dreams you’re next to me, you’re by my side and we’re laughing. Nothing has changed and you’re still here. You haven’t left me and I no longer feel sad, until the good part; until you lean in to kiss me and I wake up.

I wake shattered in pure disbelief. I try to fall back asleep, I try to force the dream to pick up where it left off, but it never happens. It feels like I was hit in the chest and had the wind knocked out of me and suddenly you’re no longer there with me.

I’m alone again and I can’t stop missing you; I can’t stop thinking of you next to me.

But I get up, I give up on the dream and you coming back. I start my day like I have for so many mornings without you. I push through the sting of the pain and I put my makeup on to try to hide the sadness in my eyes.

I try to be strong, but I’m still learning how to choke back the tears I want to cry when I hear your favorite song.

I try to sort my thoughts and ignore the hurt, but I wind up thinking back to all the memories we shared and I can’t help but wonder if you’re ever wondering about me, too.

I’d give anything for one more day with you filled with nothing but each other’s company; sitting on the couch laughing in each other’s arms.

I miss you in everything I do.

I miss you when I can’t sleep, when I’m driving and when I’m smiling. I miss you next to me with your fingers perfectly laced into mine. It felt like we were made for each other.

It doesn’t seem fair and it doesn’t feel like the pain is going to disappear, but I’m trying to get a little bit stronger without you. I’m trying to accept the thoughts that you’re not coming back and you’re not going to change.

I’m trying to move on, but it’s like you’re holding a weight over my lungs making it harder for me to breath without you, even though you’re already long gone.

I’m trying to be done holding on. I’m trying to rid you from my body, but my skin still aches for your touch and my heart still wants to beat to the rhythm of yours.

I’m trying to get stronger without you.

I’m telling myself I’ll be okay, but I still only miss you when I’m breathing. TC mark

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