September 8, 2016

In Losing You, I Found Myself

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@NickBulanovv
@NickBulanovv

It took mornings of dragging myself out of bed when I wanted to hide away from the world. It took me hysterically crying until I had no more tears left in my eyes. It took avoiding social media because the chance I’d see your name pop up would be too painful.

It took having to pull myself up on my own in order to learn how to walk again on my own. It took me finding my way when I was wandering through the dark alone at night. It took me being able to look in the mirror and realize that you not being there without me isn’t the end of the world.

It took time and it took strength, but eventually I knew it was time to let you go. I decided enough was enough. I decided it’s time to move on and find myself. I decided it was time to invest in myself for once.

I decided moving on doesn’t mean that I can’t still love you, but it means that I have to also love myself. It means that I have to do things for myself because you’re not around anymore. It means I have to focus my energy on bettering myself.

It took me losing you in order to find myself.

I decided to look in the mirror and like the face looking back at me. I decided to love the scars on my legs. I decided to accept that my stretch marks are part of me. I decided to start working out more because I love myself, not because I hate myself. I decided the jiggle in my belly was alright and that the messy, wavy hair I have on my head is beautiful.

I decided that I don’t need the love from someone else in order to feel okay about myself, I decided that loving myself was finally enough.

This doesn’t mean I forgot about you, it doesn’t mean I don’t have times where I miss you, it doesn’t mean that I replaced you, it simply means I finally started enjoying my own company. It means I started finding my own way and became comfortable with being alone.

I found myself and I’ve finally become happy on my own. I don’t feel incomplete. I don’t feel lost. I don’t feel rejected. I don’t feel like I’m not good enough.

With you everything felt good, it felt right and I felt happy, but now you’re gone. It’s time I stop clinging to your memory and hoping you’ll come back, because you’re long gone. I finally accepted it’s time to stop living in your memory and start discovering my own happiness.

I needed to fill the void you leaving left in my heart and instead of turning to someone new I decided it was time to love myself first.

I decided it would be better to love myself than turn to a stranger, to give my heart away again to someone who could break something so fragile.

I decided it was finally time to invest all the love I’m so eager to share with others into myself and it paid off. It finally paid off.

It took every ounce of strength I had and it took me losing you, but I finally found myself. I finally know what it’s like to create my own happiness and I can finally say I’m happy on my own, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. TC mark

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