September 6, 2016

I Want To Love You, But I’m Scared You’ll Leave

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Sophia Sinclair
Sophia Sinclair

Part of me wants to love you, part of me really wants to care about you and let you fully in, but the other part of me can’t. Part of me knows how happy I could be with you, how much I could love you and how much you could change my life, but the other part of me doesn’t want that because I’m happy with the way my life is now and that’s huge.

It’s hard to comprehend the thought of actually letting someone in, of letting someone come into my life who could actually change my world.

I want to let you love me, but I don’t know if I know how.

I’ve become so reliant on myself; I’ve become so set in my ways and set with my own life. I’ve been putting all my time into myself and it’s been great because I’m actually happy with myself and the progress I’ve made. I can honestly say I’ve been able to find my passions and pursue them, I’ve been able to say ‘yes’ to whatever intrigues me because I have no one to check in with. I’ve spent so many years simply worrying about me, myself and I, and that’s finally enough for me. I finally don’t crave the thought of another by my side, I’ve finally become comfortable enough with myself to cry when I’m sad and not feel pathetic. I can just allow myself to feel my emotions, embrace them and move on. I finally found peace within myself and I’m scared to let you in because I’m scared to screw all that up.

Part of me knows how much I would enjoy waking up in your arms, part of me knows that I would enjoy someone else doing kind things for me and helping me out with things I usually do solo, but part of me doesn’t want that.

I know I would love sleeping with your warm body by my side, but part of me will always wonder when the time will be up and I’ll be sleeping alone again.

I know I would love texting you all day, but part of me will always wonder when I’ll start staring at my phone and it will no longer light up with your name.

I know I would love getting comfortable with you, but part of me would always be a little reserved because I’m so used to people always leaving.

I want to believe your different, but the thing about loving a girl like me is that we know that most relationships have an expiration date because that’s all we know. There will be the time when you can’t take the holding back, or the emotions, or the way I am set in my ways and you will leave. Or maybe I’ll just push you away without even intentionally realizing.

I want to love you and let you in, but to be honest I don’t even know if I know how, and that’s the hardest part.

I don’t know if I can change it in my brain to allow you in, to open my heart up to you completely, at least not right away.

Because if you leave I will no longer have you, just the memories and the endless possibilities of all we could have been, and that’s the hardest part to grasp.

I’m not saying we won’t make it forever, but I’m saying that I want to love you, I just don’t know if I’m ready. I’m saying that if you really want this to work all I need is a little bit of a chance. All I want is for you to be able to work through this with me because I want to love you, I just don’t know if I know how. TC mark

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