I told my mom one night that she was a bad bitch. Before you think I’m crazy, hear me out. She was a bit skeptical at first, but when I told her that Urban Dictionary describes it as “a female who knows what she wants and knows exactly how to get it”, she readily accepted her title. My mother is awesome – she is the true embodiment of #goals and it both scares and empowers me knowing that I have such huge shoes to fill. She runs several companies with almost a thousand employees under her wing, she’s an excellent homemaker and I don’t think I’ve seen anyone rock a Valentino dress the way she does. She taught me the meaning of unconditional love and how to celebrate being a woman. On top of that, despite all the successes life has graced her with, she remains humble and completely down to earth.
A woman of grace, substance and style – she truly is the baddest bitch around.
My mom has been there for me throughout every single break-up I’ve encountered. I used to hate how she would meddle, but now I voluntarily seek her advice whenever I’m feeling down in the dumps. Whether they were short or long-term relationships, she always knew how to knock some sense into me and here are a few lessons I’ve learned from her along the way:
1. You attract what you are.
We oftentimes complain about the scarcity of good men or women. “Why am I single, where have all the good ones gone?” or “Why am I stuck in a crappy relationship?” are questions we often toss around. The harsh reality is, you are where you are for a reason. Before looking at external factors, it’s best to look at yourself first. My mom told me once that your relationship is a reflection of you – the kind partner you attract, the things you do as a couple, and the problems you both face. You can visualize and wish for the woman of your dreams or Mr. Right all you want, but you will eventually get someone aligned to who you are as a person. If you want to attract a great partner, work on being great first. This is where your goals, values and experiences come to play. A mediocre person may attract an extraordinary person for a while, but the truth will always come out and little to no common ground will be found in the long run. How can a mediocre mind sustain an iconic one? If you wish to be part of a relationship that is fulfilling and holistic, focus on being a person with a lot to contribute before anything else.
2. What you resist persists.
Human nature is to resist anything that makes us uncomfortable. Sadness, loneliness, longing – you know what I mean. We often push these feelings aside thinking that if we run far away enough, they would somehow magically disappear. Some result to an overloaded amount of activities to keep busy, some turn to vices as a means of escape while others even use other people. (Guilty!) My mom has always told me that the more you hold back your feelings, the more it multiplies from within. The more you resist an emotion and pretend that it isn’t there, the more it grows and festers. The saddest thing you can be is an escapist – while you think you’re fine avoiding your emotions, little do you know that they’ve been piling up in tremendous amounts just waiting for a moment to explode. And believe me, you wouldn’t want to have mental breakdown at work or during a family dinner. Take time to be angry, cry or feel lonely. When things aren’t under your control, it’s perfectly fine to be sad about it. Always honor and stay true to how you feel.
3. What you let out, comes back to you.
Know that super good-looking photo of yourself on Instagram? The one you posted so your ex would “suffer” or “regret ever letting you go”? A bit immature, but admit it. No matter how good the relationship was, I’m sure that thought has crossed your mind. For past relationships that have deeply hurt you, you can’t help but want to take revenge in some form. From a shallower perspective showcasing “I’m still happy without you” posts online to deeper aspects such as wishing they experience the exact pain they’ve inflicted upon you – these thoughts really won’t get you anywhere. Having the intention to hurt someone may temporarily feel good at first, but it will come back to you tenfold because you still remain in his or her trap. Your actions are still obviously revolving around them and that is far from a life of freedom. You will find yourself still caught up in their thoughts or feelings towards you and this will hinder you from a life of tranquility. On the other hand, if you genuinely wish them happiness, that as well comes back tenfold because you yourself will be at peace. It may be a colossal challenge to wish happiness upon someone who triggers a copious amount of negative emotions inside of you, but it’s good for your soul in the long run.
4. You will never really know.
Sadly, we weren’t given the power to read minds. One never really knows what the other is going through – and social media posts don’t count. Does your ex think about you everyday? Is your ex completely over you? Has your ex fallen in love again? Are you still that one true love? You will never really know and your ex wouldn’t either. It’s not like you both would just blatantly express your feelings to one another, all forms of pride aside. That’s not how the world works. So instead of beating yourself up with what ifs, focus on what you do know – which is what you feel. Focus on your own growth and the own mastery of your feelings.
5. Always come from a place of great compassion.
I’ll keep this short and sweet. Always remember that your ex is also going through what you’re going through. It doesn’t matter who broke up with whom or if it was a mutual agreement – you’re both trying to heal and find your way through. One may be coping differently from the other, but both of you are still coping. Some choose to cope in silence, some choose to be more expressive. Some try to put up a tough front while others choose to show vulnerability. Coping mechanisms may vary but one aspect remains the same – you both just want happiness. Always remember that and always come from a place of great compassion.