September 13, 2016

You Aren’t The Man I Thought You Were

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For months on end, I have blamed myself for not being good enough and for not being what you needed. But I wonder, do you even know what you need?

When we first met I believed that you were too good to be true. How did I get lucky enough to find a man that opens the door for me, listens to my every word, and treats me with the utmost respect in the 21st century?

I admired you. I admired your ambition to do better than yesterday. I admired your respect towards other people. I admired how I would sometimes walk ahead of you and not realize that you got stuck holding the door for everyone else that followed us on the way in.

You would swallow your pride and admit to being wrong, even when you still thought you were right. I loved how you would cry at chick flicks just as much as I would and how you were not afraid to show it. You were not afraid to show me off, either. You made sure everyone knew that I was the girl you loved.

You told me to call you as soon as I got home and to “please drive safe.” You offered me your sweatshirt when I was cold, regardless of how cold you would be. You pulled the car around when it was raining, just so I wouldn’t get wet. You called me baby girl. You made sure to wipe my tears and tell me everything would be okay whenever I was upset. You were my rock, my storm, my shelter, and my best friend. The best friend that I got to fall in love with.

But as you got comfortable in our relationship, everything slowly faded.

The “call me when you get home” became more of a “check in” to make sure I was actually home. Suddenly, I was always wrong. I became someone you couldn’t trust and you started watching my every move. Your ambition faded, your respect faded, and your love was gone. You became the reason for all of the tears you used to wipe. You became the person I never imagined you would be. I would blame myself day in and day out for not being good enough for you–or at least for the man I thought you were.

The truth of the matter is, I’m too good for you and you were too good to be true. The person I fell in love with was a mask that a sociopath like you wears in order to destroy someone innocent.

You ended up treating me poorly out of guilt. The only thought that crossed your mind was, “If I’m not being faithful, how could she be?” I became untrustworthy, because you thought that if you were capable of doing that to me, then I would be capable of doing it to you.

Here’s a reality check, my friend. I’m not and will never be able to mentally destroy a person the way that you destroyed me. I am not capable of looking the person I “love” in the face and lying to them. I am not capable of looking at another person, let alone touching another person, knowing I would be hurting the one I love.

I am loyal. I am respectful. And I love with all of my heart. No, I wasn’t good enough for you. I was too much for you. I cared a little too much. I listened a little too much. I devoted a little too much of my time. I helped you a little too much. And I loved you a little too much.

So when you’re sitting in bed one night, reflecting on your life, just know that you weren’t ready. You weren’t ready for the amount of love I had for you in my heart. You weren’t ready to commit to someone without being unfaithful. You weren’t ready to be the man you pretended to be when we met.

But I am ready. I am ready to let the thought of the old you go. I am ready to let go of the memories. I am ready to let go of my expectations of us.

I am ready to receive the love I want to give. TC mark

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