November 28, 2016

What I Want To Say To The ‘Forever Person’ Who Got Away

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Artem Kovalev
Artem Kovalev

I love you beyond everything else. I can honestly tell before God that I love as truly and as deeply as I am, capable of loving as a man and as a human being. Loving you has been the fulfillment of my life. Before I met you, I ignored ambition. I was drifting from day to day until you came along and changed the trend of my life.

You inspired me and gave me the confidence I sorely needed. I know that I will never be able to forget you. Our memories together will forever haunt me for the rest of my lifetime.

I can’t thank you enough for sharing few wonderful years with me and for bringing me happiness beyond my wildest dreams. I couldn’t ask for more. I had no idea that I was my classmates’ envy whenever you kiss me and stand by me in public. They all turn green whenever you hand me a cup of coffee that you, yourself prepared.

How much do you mean to me? It’s immeasurable.

I may have taken you for granted at times but I never love you less than the first time I saw you. You are a God’s gift to me and I never regretted a single moment of my life, because of you.

Now that everything is in the open. You said you no longer love me and wished to be released from our relationship. I remember seeing a young boy’s face watching a house of card he had painstakingly built. Card upon card come tumbling down. I tried then to guess what he felt when the house of cards came crashing down. I think I know now.

Your letter is right here on my study table. I have read it just now. Just a few inches away, a fragile ten-inch tall yellow ceramic rose, complete with plastic fern leaves held modesty in a papier-mâché covered wine bottle. The minimal inscription that came with it was all too familiar!

“To my one and only love. I would like to tell you million things but it would not matter much now, so please, let me just tell…I LOVE YOU, Goodbye!”

I read it over a second time, and then a third. The letter was written on a piece of paper, fast fading after all these years, as rigid as the old autumn leaves during winter days. I folded and I tried to shut my eyes off after that. I couldn’t. I tried to recall the contents of my letter I gave him long, long time ago… I don’t love you anymore. I am going to move on with my life as best as I can. One day, we’ll look back on this and say,”it was all for the best.”

Everything was great. But what happened? Ah, there are things in life that defy explanations and it’s difficult to live with them. How can you explain a mother who takes out the foods from her mouth and give it to her starving child?

How can you explain a beautiful girl’s decision to leave her boyfriend and disappeared behind the wall of a convent?

How can you explain a man who dives into a raging waves of the sea to save a girl from drowning? Our hearts behave the way they do!

I knew that I have made the right decision. I put my right hand on my chest. Now that I’m holding his letter, I don’t feel anymore the pain deep in my heart — it’s at peace already, for maybe choosing the safest path. I have learned to heed the call of my heart. They said that the safest path is not always the best path but thanks God, I never doubted my ability to survive and to find peace along the way. Now, that I am looking back on everything I had with him, I can honestly say, “it was all for the best!”

I took the letter away in its box and put inside a small bottle, covered it. Then, I went out and beneath the stars, with my cal poly pamona green overcoat on, I wandered into the cold breeze of the wind. I followed my feet where the path met the sea. I am here once again, I sat on a place where the waves couldn’t reach me, holding the letter in a bottle, with my coat wrapped tightly around my body. I listened to the world. There’s absolutely nothing to hear except the calm rhythm of my heart- steadily in my ears. Then, I stood up…I don’t belong here anymore. No place any longer. I threw the bottle far, far away in the middle of the sea- that’s our deepest secret and will remain forever mysterious…”I wish you are happy now…somewhere!” I mumbled.

Nothing is perfect but it’s going to be a fine day tomorrow. A fine day and a new start! TC mark

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