7 Reasons Why All Your Vegan Friends Are Miserable (By A Vegan)

Everyone knows us vegans are a pretentious, holier-than-thou lot (Gwyneth Paltrow, anyone?) There’s nothing we like better than to turn up our noses at a friend’s proffered creamy forkful of mac & cheese — “I’m sorry, I don’t eat that; I’m vegan” — while surreptitiously smoothing our hands over our slim hips. We lead a life full of choosing broccoli over ice cream, salad over cheeseburgers, and stubbornly denying ourselves many of life’s simplest pleasures.

In short, all vegans are secretly miserable. Here’s seven reasons life is better with bacon.

1. Dining out.

Who wants to go to a restaurant and only be able to eat one-third of the items on a 12-page menu? Like, great, I’m always the first one who knows what I want to order because I have fewer options to choose from and have to wait for everyone else to decide. Such a pain.

2. Dating.

Vegan/vegetarian, the reaction from others is no different: someone who never eats meat is practically the same as someone who never has/had sex. Uptight. Boring. Prudish. For all intents and purposes, un-dateable. I even know a (vegan) girl who wouldn’t kiss her (non-vegan) boyfriend until he brushed his teeth after eating meat. Full disclosure: all vegans who secretly love your meat breath? Every one of us.

3. Identity.

Vegans flaunt their vegan-ness. “Hi, I’m _______ and I’m vegan,” is literally how we all introduce ourselves. Our cheeseburger-free lives are a sort of self-imposed Napoleon complex and we’re always overcompensating. It’s why we constantly talk about foods like quinoa and acai and edamame — we need to be able to brag about something. Give us a little cheese on our pizza and suddenly — surely — we’ll become much more tolerable human beings.

4. Having fun.

If someone is willing to eliminate TWO WHOLE FOOD GROUPS from their diet, then clearly, they don’t believe in living life to the fullest. Surely, someone willing to go to such lengths to give up cheddar and fried chicken has a severely restricted take on “fun,” amiright?

5. Bacon.

BACON, people. This woman is 114 and she eats four strips of bacon for breakfast every day, so clearly it’s a secret to longevity.

6. Ideology.

Vegans only make up 2% of the population, which means they are ruthlessly trying to improve their numbers and gain converts. Every non-vegan is a target, every mouthful of filet mignon is criticized, and every stranger eating an ice cream cone is judged. Because the sole reason anyone goes vegan is for the pleasure of being the food-police.

7. Ice cream.

Why live without Ben and Jerry? Why?